Me 31M, partner 29F
3 year relationship
TL;DR; partner consistently breaks boundaries, lies, refuses to communicate and then tells me shes emotionally unavailable to me because i get upset when she lies, when she forces communication to be an argument and when she crosses boundaries.
If your partner was so bad at communication that every attempt you make to communicate is rewarded with combativeness AND if your partner of 3 years repeatedly lied to you about a multitude of things AND crossed your boundaries consistently, no matter how many times youve cried begging them to stop lying to you, begging them to start respecting some boundaries, begging for us to develope healthier communication habits
then acts like youre the problem.
THEN tells you, “i dont have the capacity to be emotionally available to you anymore because youre always upset with me/im starting to doubt this relationship because we always argue,” is that… is that like… narcissism? Is that what this is?
Like they broke your trust over and over an over again, but then they tell you, “im feeling emotionally unavailable to you because youre always uspet at me for being toxic and breaking your trust all the time.”
Or like when someone wants to break up with you because the way they cross your boundaries makes you feel.. emotions?
Like how dare you feel emotions about how i broke your trust?
Or when you express to someone, “hey, this bad communication habit you have makes it hard to communicate with you, can we work on this?” But they respond by being even more combative and uncaring.
Isnt there a term for this? Is this what narcissism is?
Comments
No that’s not narcissism it’s just toxic and yes gaslighting. I don’t know their side of the story but you obviously wrote this while being fired up, take a breath and think to yourself why you are even in this relationship if everything you said is true?
Buddy, and I say this as someone who married one of these people, you need to RUN.
the term is “a waste of time.”
I dont think just diagnosing her willy nilly will help at all. There are 3 sides to every story and the way this is written feels off and like youre intentionally not telling the full story. We cannot make a distinction on what you have presented here. What has she lied about? How has she crossed those aforementioned boundaries? If she wants to break up why arent you proceeding with that option if both of you feel its not working?
You’re in a bad relationship. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to respect your boundaries or to be better at communication. Honestly you should have left the first time they crossed your boundaries. You should break up because this is not going to get better.
To be blunt, i doubt things will ever change. You will continue to be treated badly, continue to beg, continue to be ignored, mistreated, have your very reasonable emotional needs thrown at you as if they’re the problem, rather than your gf addressing her own issues.
There’s so much disrespect you’ve described. Why are you allowing yourself to be mistreated that way?
Wren you find the answer to that, that’s what you need to address. Hopefully by addressing that you’ll find the courage to leave, or do whatever it is that’s right for you.
I would leave. I don’t know why you’re so caught up in this person. Do you like being mistreated? Some enjoy that type of thing. 🤷♀️