throwaway account here
I’m currently a 25F and currently in a serious relationship with a 25M. I’ve had also a previous serious relationship.
When I was 17 approaching 18, I got involved with a male 11 years older than me. Long story short, I lost my virginity to him and had a sexual relationship with him for months. Back then, it was consensual and we weren’t in love or dating at all. I eventually stopped it as I was in a stressful period of time. It was only until recently that I realised that I might have been groomed.
In my current and last relationship, I have low sexual libido and low desire for sex probably half a year into the relationships. I wasn’t sure why, and it was a problem with both my current and previous boyfriend as I was constantly rejecting their advances and rarely initiating sex. I thought I could be asexual, but in between the old and new relationship, I’ve had a few flings and one night stands which I really enjoyed. I told myself maybe because when I’m single and alone, I crave validation and love through sex, in order to feel intimate and close to someone. But when I’m in a serious relationship, I feel love from my boyfriend in many other aspects that are not sexual.
My low libido is really killing me and getting in between me and my current boyfriend. I’m wondering now if how I was introduced to sex as a 17 year old girl has affected me and my view on sexual intimacy…
Do you think that me being groomed as affected my sexual libido in a serious relationship? Any advice and/or suggestions on how I should approach this problem? Thank you
Comments
You were groomed. That kind of betrayal wires your body to fear real intimacy and to feel desire again you have to rewrite what love and safety mean in bed.
Yeah, trauma like grooming messes with your wiring, especially around intimacy and trust. It’s not about libido being broken, it’s about your brain protecting you. Therapy’s the only real fix here, not quick fixes or self-blame. Don’t settle for less from yourself or your partner while you sort it out.
You indicate it was consensual. Were You 18 or 17 when you had sex? Evenso, and although not acceptable in American standards, 17 is legal in most states. Other countries have different perceptions of that topic though. Grooming typically is when someone manipulates a younger person (minor) for a sexual relationship for when they turn 18. Do you feel manipulated or coerced? Or was it consensual? Having a low libido can come from birth control, genetics, diet, trauma, abuse, neglect, and medication. For example, 1 adhd, anxiety or sleep aid pill can permanently destroy someone’s libido. Or maybe you arent attracted to your partner? Personally, I think you are playing victim and not looking at the underlining issue. Reddit posters will scream rape or grooming but because its the easy answer but that doesnt help you unless you want fake validation to make you feel better about yourself. A lot of 18 year old have sex with or date 29 year olds either in the open or in secret.
I wouldn’t say you were groomed because the same thing could have happened if the guy was 25, 21 or 19. It was consensual, not dating and not serious.
I suspect the guys you have dated, they fall for you and then they are committed to you. You have them in your pocket. There is no more challenge and you never have to worry about him leaving you. The excitement and the good type of anxiety are gone, and so is your sex drive for the guys.
My own opinion is that in relationships, the attitude should not be “I love you forever and always want to be with you.” It should be more like “I will share my love with you so long as you treat me well.” That keeps both partners constantly doing the little things that make each other happy, because they want to be together forever like the couple that celebrate 50th wedding anniversaries.
But if either partner starts slacking in the relationship or takes one for granted, the partner is likely to walk out. Snippy comments, a boring routine, no creativity in planning dates, etc.
Some people from sexual trauma have channeled it either hyper sexual or nothing at all. I feel like re-discovering your sexuality and finding yourself will help. It will take awhile to do so don’t get discouraged. I used to be a sex educator and people on chemo had low libido so helping them find their orgasms and love for their selves was huge. But also tantric love too, basically super super intimacy not necessarily on your vagina like have your partner slowly introduce you to what they want to do, slowly release your fear. Like have them start from your ear, to your neck, to your chest, make every movement intentional and desired.
She says she believes she was groomed, so that’s what we’re looking at. This is not about whether the person actually groomed her or not. She feels like she was (or might have been) so that’s what we should be addressing.