My wife started a new job about a year ago and started hanging out with her new coworkers. She usually does this and I love it. I love entertaining and work on my own mostly from home so her bringing home new friends has always been great!
Not long after she started going out to the clubs with her friends….I didn’t think much of it, other than it was new….then she started dressing differently and doing her hair differently, getting super fancy for work. Then she was out with them one night and I put the kids to bed and then at about 2am I was going to fall asleep and I hadn’t heard from her so I went to check her location and it was turned off… I thought that was weird and mentioned it to her and she said she had no idea how it was turned off.
About a week later I went to sit next to her on the couch and she was on her phone, she immediately sat up and seemingly hid her phone. I thought that was strange so I casually sat up and positioned myself to see her phone. The second I did that she screamed, threw her phone, grabbed it and then ran to the other side of the room and continued whatever she was doing on her phone. I called her on it and she said she was just joking with me and then showed me text that she claimed was the conversation I would have seen but it looked nothing like what I saw.
I thought this was weird but I shrugged it off.
A few weeks later she goes out with her friends again, I think nothing of it. Then the next day she hands me her phone in the car to show me some pictures of our kids and I start scrolling through them. I notice that she seems anxious about me looking through the pictures which is weird so I kept scrolling…. the end of the kids photos was a screenshot of a text from a guy that met her at the club the night before asking if she was the girl that was dancing last night
I question her on it and she says that one of her friends must have given out her phone number and she screenshot it so that she could ask them who gave it out. I was feeling upset about it so I asked if I could see that conversation where she asked who gave her number out, just to set my mind at ease. She refused and then decided to show me but she showed me where she sent the screenshot but all she said to them was “haha, weren’t we all dancing?
I was upset and asked to see their response, she refused to show me. I dropped it but was upset.
The next day she tells me that she was sorry she didn’t show me but she didn’t want me to see that her best friend had been cheating on her boyfriend and got pregnant and was getting an abortion. I did know what to think about that… Its her life but I felt upset that my wife was hiding things from me and that she was hanging out with someone who is cheating and now her phone number was given to someone at a club.
Fast forward a few months and her friend is still cheating with multiple men and one of them is married and my wife is helping her to hide it.
We just got back from a vacation in Hawaii and while we were there she sent a funny snap of me to all of her friends and then she got in the shower. We were talking and laughing about it and I was like “I’m gonna see what they are saying” because her phone went off with a response. I open it up and she immediately jumps out of the shower and snatches her phone out of my hand and closes it. I asked her why and she said “i just want to keep my life with my friends separate and private.”
Idk what to think but I don’t feel okay with her being so secretive, especially after everything.
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I’d set some hard boundaries about the secrecy and begin couples therapy, going in expecting that she’ll refuse (because she’s guilty of something) and the relationship could be over. Life is too short to lead a life with someone that constantly has you second guessing yourself.
You have to put your foot down now, mate. No one on here will ever know for sure if she’s cheating or not. But her behaviour is very very suspicious. And you simple need answers before moving forward.
Obviously this should happen in a calm and respectful way. But you need to be firm, draw a line in the sand and stand by your demands.
If she’s cheating then just pack your bags without showing her what you feel or what you think. She doesn’t deserve it. Just leave. It’ll drive her crazy. Rightly so.
Damn not even lesbians can stay safe from this treatment
The fact that your wife is hiding your friend’s affair should tell you everything about your wife as a person. Cheaters usually stick together. Put your foot down.
You need to get access to her phone, ideally when she is asleep. You need to gather evidence but all flags point to her cheating.
If she’s going to clubs with coworkers who are actively cheating what do you think she is doing? Watching? And she’s enabling it.
Please follow Guy Code and tell the other spouse her coworker is married to. He has a right to know, as do you. The truth will come out.
She’s been cheating. The moment she started changing, she started cheating. I’m sorry.
all signs point to things shes doing, someone with nothing to hide would think nothing of giving you their phone – isn’t a partnership based on trust.
She’s entitled to a certain amount of privacy even though she’s in a relationship and her friends are entitled to their privacy as well; but this is too sus, beyond the pale.
Sit down for a discussion and make it clear that you need to find an amount of information and access she can share with you, right there and then, such that you are genuinely convinced and put at ease—else you’ll file for divorce.
On her messages app. On iPhone, at the top left there is an edit button. If you click on it, if she has deleted messages, it’ll let you recover them.
Start planning your divorce now and don’t say anything to her until it’s time serve her
Reading your post, I think you let too many things go..
Yeah when you’re married with kids going out “to the clubs” should not really be a thing. It’s something single people do. Once in a while sure, but not on the regular. And disabling location is just off. No other way around it. It doesn’t happen by accident. I’d have her followed tbh by a PI.
Updateme
Her actions are showing several of the classic signs of cheating. Do a net search on “signs my partner is cheating” and read a couple of the results and see how many she is showing. She may or may not have physically cheated, but I’d bet a lot of money she is at least having an Emotional Affair.
i once dated a girl who did everything you mention about your wife with the phone. She would take the phone everywhere with her and be constantly on it. It would never leave her side and in the end, i received a DM from a random guy asking me why i was trying to get with his girl.
She’s either emotionally or physically cheating on you. No one who protects their phone like the president can be up to no good. Good luck brother.
most of these replies should be ignored. No sneaking around, no mysterious detective work, confront her like an adult. Have a serious conversation with her to her face and lay out your concerns.
I was “friends” with a girl who had a friend who was female that was married like her that would support her to see other men because she was unhappy in her marriage and I once asked the friend well would she mind if you did that to her and she got super offensive . If someone will think it’s okay for someone else to do it ,they have full potential to do it themselves ! One very important thing to also remember is her friend she trusts so well that has bad character not from being secret but being out open and messy has the opportunity to be a very negative impact on her
You know what to think you just don’t want to believe it. There’s no way I would treat my husband like this
If she has nothing to hide….why is she hiding? All signs point to shes fucking around on you. Theres no reason to keep things “private” when your married.
You know the answer!!! I still don’t understand “jumped out of the shower and snatched the phone from my hand”. No way my wife’s snatching anything out of my phone
Jfc. If she refuses to show you a convo on her phone that’s that. End of story. That’s not a healthy relationship. This isn’t hard. Demand answers.
Leave brother Life is too short to stay with a cheater and your mental health needs to be guarded
I mean, even if she isn’t cheating, I’d have a serious problem with my spouse if they were helping a friend cheat.
It’s a question of morals. If she’s willing to be deceptive on behalf of someone, what else is she willing to do?
[deleted]
I think you went a VERY long time “not thinking much” about things. To your detriment. Welcome to the consequences
I’m afraid I’ve been through that and she was cheating, when I look back on it now it was so obvious but I kept looking for clues until his girlfriend called me to spill the beans.
Yep remember women are super quick at hiding stuff
You already know. Sorry, man.
I would be sharing all my work drama with my husband
Hand her divorce papers.
There is no cheating friend ! She is the cheater. Follow her to the club and sit far away and watch….
“Idk what to think but I don’t feel okay with her being so secretive, especially after everything.”
Brother, I don’t need any more information, but it appears you do. If so, I would hire a professional to observe her. If you can manage a fake work trip, this will give her the opportunity to be careless. That’s when your professional observer will get the best pics, video, and detailed activities.
Yes it is expensive to hire a professional but you need to be metaphorically hit in the head with a 2×4.
Become a cockold
You know what is happening. But you can’t believe it and you don’t have an evidence.
TLDR?
Yes, she is cheating on you.
I don’t advocate for snooping in a typical, normal situation, but until you come to a resolution, your mind will get no rest. She has definitely given off cheating vibes and has aroused your suspicion, and rightly so. If she won’t allow you to look through her phone, which is suspicious in itself, then you’re left with only a couple options. You catch her in the act, you snoop through her phone for evidence when she least expects it, or you just pack your shit and leave.
Snooping will take a little finesse, she has to be comfortable again leaving her phone unattended. Have your phone camera handy to take pics, or screenshot it in her phone and send it to yourself if you find something. Catching her in the act will be more difficult unless you recruit some people she doesn’t know to go where she goes and observe, maybe even a private detective. This really depends on how much effort you really want to put into it. Either way, I would stop openly trying to catch her in a lie and go dark with it to make her feel you’re oblivious to her behavior. If you do end up finding out she’s cheating, you’ll also find out she’s a liar and kind of a terrible person. A homewrecker. And you’ll more than likely never be able to trust her again. And again….. rightly so. Good luck.
Friends who cheat encourage friends to cheat. If your partner is hanging out with a cheater, she is almost certainly already cheating. At the very least she’s constantly being peer-pressured to do so. The fact that she “wants to keep her life with [those] friends separate and private” honestly tells you everything you need to know.
If you feel like you really need proof, hire a PI. But in most places proof of infidelity is meaningless for any kind of legal reason. Infidelity isn’t factored into things like alimony, splitting of marital assets, custody or child support.
The main question you need to answer for yourself right now is “can I continue to stomach being lied to, betrayed, and cheated on by my wife?” I hope that your answer is “fuck no,” but only you can decide that. I’m embarrassed, looking back, to say that when I caught my (now-ex) wife in an affair, I stayed and attempted “reconciliation” for the longest, most miserable, soul-scouring five years of my life before she accidentally slipped up and I caught her again and finally left.
I’m so sorry that your wife has chosen to betray her wife and children. It’s selfish and cruel and unfair and awful. She’s taken the life and the future and foundation and dreams that you’ve poured everything into, shredded it to ribbons, and thrown it away like it’s garbage. She had no right to do that, to steal your agency and your dreams and feed it all into the useless flames of her selfish desires. But she has done that, and there’s nothing that can ever restore what she’s destroyed.
Truly, the best thing you can do now—for yourself and for your children—is to cut her loose, and begin the journey to healing for yourself and your kids. Kids need a reliable, safe, stable foundation in order to grow in a healthy way, and your wife cannot be that for them, since she’s proven that she’s willing to betray them and risk their stability and security in order to pursue her selfishness, when push comes to shove.
These are steps I’d take, in your position:
Again, I’m so sorry. Betrayal like this is always awful, miserable, and unfair. I hope that you and your children are able to recover, heal, and find the peace you deserve.
You and your kids deserve more time with her, so she needs to come home after work. I would sit down with her and discuss date nights for the two of you (weekly or every other week – depending on cost of baby sitters), and both of you having the same number of nights to go out with your friends (so if you can only go out with your friends once or twice a month, she can only go out with her coworkers once or twice a month). If she refuses, that tells you a lot.
Have you thought about hiring a private investigator?
Come dude, you know what’s up.
She’s been cheating on you for months most likely. Start planning for divorce and gather evidence. Most likely all the cheating evidence is on her phone.
Why are you accepting disrespect. She’s a married woman with kids. Where in the world is it okay for her to leave her husband and kids at home to hang out with other people. If she’s hang out with her girlfriends or even coworkers. They have zero respect for you. Marriage is about respect. People can tell you that they love you. But show you little or no respect. While personally, I would leave the relationship and leave her to chase her happiness. I know that all men are not like me. So, I will tell you this. You have two options. You can lay down the new law of no more going out on dates with friends or coworkers and open phone policy for the next three years to rebuild trust or quit the job to start a new one. Or you walk. You should ask the following question. “If I was doing what she is doing, would she be okay with you behaving like that and being disrespectful.”
Why is she acting like a single college kid when she has a husband and kids at home? Even if she isn’t cheating this is grossly immature and irresponsible shit that you don’t have to put up with.
Sorry, you’re just the babysitter. She’s being single when she goes out. Lay it out to her. Tell her all these instances where she acted sus. She obviously deleted messages before showing you her phone the next day.
Tell her how you feel. If she gaslights you, or disregards you and still goes out, then ask for a separation. She will most likely keep pushing boundaries, unless there’s some consequences.
Some phone plans give you the ability to look over her calls and texts. You can use Intellus to find out who she’s calling. Minimal cost. What you do next is up to you. Confront her, call the guy, etc.
Grow a set of balls and ask her to be straight with you. Jesus man, why would you put up with this shit when your marriage and family is at stake?
Updateme
Your wife is with her serial cheating bestie and not participating? Fucking unlikely. Your post is an explosion of red flags.
Don’t be a fool my man, your wife has been taking trips to pound town and you’re getting all the left overs.. the red flags are yelling at you and you’re still willing to enjoy these sloppy seconds. Divorce your wife, she can’t be trusted… AND she is screwing other men for sure.
Get a private detective for proof but yeah, she’s cheating.