Were anyone else’s nparents like this? Sometimes they were obviously manipulating me, but other times they seemed to actually believe their own gaslighting, as if thinking that screaming in my face for getting one C on a report card actually “motivated” me to do better in school, or using physical abuse (and the threat of it) to keep me as quiet and small as possible was “good parenting”. When they believed in their own disgusting lies, it made the gaslighting that much harder to get out of my head. It felt different than other gaslighting they did, and 5 years of no contact later it’s still messing with my mind.
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My parents acted similar but I can’t offer much help. For me, it was relativity easy to accept, and that may be the only answer. You just have to accept it. Hope it helps, but I worry it won’t. Feel better soon.
Maybe remind yourself of this: they believe their own lies because they’re egotistical assholes.
Sounds familiar. They say that Ns don’t realise they’re narcissists, so don’t hold your breath. Pointing it out won’t get you anywhere because they can’t help it, I know, messed up as it sounds. Therapy, self kindness, and journaling will help. Exercise, diet, sleep, self compassion, and medication too, where necessary. I drove myself mad trying to figure them out. So I cracked the code, now what?
You just have to accept it was just our misfortune that we became the scapegoat and they’ll never admit to the abuse.
It’s an excellent question. It took me four decades to figure most of it out, but the changing of perspective that goes with the healing often yields more stuff. It can be quite a complex puzzle they created.
My nmother had books on parenting, one of which (I don’t remember the title but I have face of a baby on the cover burned in my brain) is now considered one of the most damaging. Of course she believed she was a “good” parent.
Keep at it. Keep making your reality. Some lives have “sharing it with others” as a purpose so there is no avoiding another person’s reality, but set at least healthy boundaries.