At the end of the day, my bf asks if im “horny” or wants to get intimate, but then i responded im tired. its was also a holiday (Canada day) and and our 4 month anniversary day, so my bf was a bit sad that i wasnt feeling that way. After he asked that He also said he thought i was losing intimacy with him, because of different signs he saw throughout the day compared to other days.
Now this is the part that idk if it’s guilt tripping or just expressing his feelings but then he asked “on our 4 month anniversary?” and said things like “u don’t even love me anymore” “ur not attracted to me”. Then I said “oh you’re guilt tripping me”. After this all happened he claims he wasnt trying to or had no expectation of sex and was trying to seek reassurance. however i kept saying that he was trying to guilt trip me, and that got him more mad, because he said that was not the case, but i was saying that he got mad because of rejection of sex.
Now im wondering Was i trying to make him feel guilty or something after he expressed his feelings or was my boyfriend guilt tripping me in having sex.
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Defo guilt tripping
He was 100% trying to guilt trip you into sex. He specifically brought up your anniversary as a reason to have sex/to make you feel bad about saying no.
I would really sit and think about it this is someone you want to be with. For me personally, it’s gross to have a partner who doesn’t respect my boundaries and if it starts with guilt tripping when I say no to sex, it’s only going to get worse.
4 months in and he’s already making you feel guilty for not having sex when you’re not feeling like it? And he’s 28 acting that way? I’m sorry, but my 27 year old (sort of ex) bf never would do that. If it’s a no, it’s a no. No fits thrown. No guilty tripping, because that IS guilty tripping. And then throwing the you don’t love me anymore shit? Is he a teenager? He can simply ask for reassurance without the guilt tripping if that truly is what he was wanting.
You should never feel bad for not wanting to be intimate, he’s definitely guilt tripping. Hope everything works out or you find a better guy 💐
Men and women treat intimacy differently. Most men feel validated when their partner finds them attractive and is sexually active with them. Men are almost always horny, especially when you are with someone you care about/love. When a man seeks intimacy and is denied especially within the 4 month “honeymoon” phase it can be a red flag. I am sure his comment was less about manipulation and more about feeling rejected and unwanted. I am not suggesting that you sleep with him every time he wants but maybe look into why you are not at the same level especially this early in the relationship.
I don’t think he is intentionally guilt tripping. He clearly views intimacy as a way to feel connected to you and perhaps accepted by you and views it as a way to express love. Its very natural to question if someone “still loves you” etc because they’re feeling rejected – and this is a natural response to rejection. He’s sort of catastrophizing the situation in his head. He feels rejected so he’s sort of acting out a little if you like.
I think what he is saying does have an element of immaturity, and guilt tripping — but as I said, I don’t think he is doing it maliciously. He is just acting from a bruised ego because he is feeling rejected if that makes sense.
I don’t think we should instantly say “you shouldn’t be with someone like that” I think you need to recognise it, speak calmly with him about it, set a boundary and reassure him. We all feel rejected sometimes and will say or do things we don’t mean, especially with those we feel safe with.
If he of course continues to disrespect you and say these things all the time after you’ve had this conversation, and spoken about your feelings — that’s when it’s maybe a problem because then he isn’t respecting boundaries after you’ve talked about them and isn’t listening to your feelings but only expressing his.
Listen, if he was just trying to seek reassurance without expectation of sex, he failed. I’m in a relationship where I am the partner with the higher sex drive and I need that reassurance sometimes so I can understand that part.
When I needed reassurance, I talked to my partner about it in a context where it was clear that sex wasn’t something I was pushing for in the moment (fully clothed, outside the bedroom, not including any sort of horny touches) and brought up how I’d been feeling a pattern of rejection for a bit and wanted to ask for verbal reassurance that she still values that part of our relationship, even though she doesn’t have the drive to do it as often. We talked through ways other than having sex that she could reassure me on an ongoing basis, like certain kinds of compliments or touches that would not come with an expectation of leading to anything sexual.
Most importantly, I approached that conversation from the perspective of openly seeking reassurance without an expectation of increased sex and without making accusations. There’s a huge difference between “you’re not attracted to me” and “I’ve been feeling lately like you’re not as attracted to me in this way, what can we figure out together that makes me feel reassured without pushing past any of your boundaries?” It is possible to talk about feelings while being very clear that one person’s feelings are not the other person’s responsibility and seek to work together to figure something out that makes both people feel good.
This was absolutely an attempt to guilt trip you into having sex with him. Accusing you of feeling certain ways and pointing out that it was a special day in your relationship, as though that means you should do something you don’t want to do is not okay.
He was guilt-tripping you. Saying “you don’t even love me anymore” and “on our anniversary?” because you’re tired and don’t want sex is manipulative, even if he calls it “expressing feelings.” Big difference between saying “I feel a little insecure” and trying to make you feel bad for saying no. You weren’t wrong to call it out.
How often are you turning him down? Or was this the first time?
OP, how is he expressing his feelings when no where in his words did he actually say “I”. Please recognize, what he did was accuse you of not liking him and accuse you of not being attracted to him. He didn’t say “I feel like you aren’t into me anymore.” He made accusations that you simply MUST not be because he very much wanted all the responsibility put onto you.
It’s 100% a guilt trip, and really gross that a man that’s nearly 30 would be still be doing that crap. Please drop this loser.