I thought my mother was just an enabler, now I think she may be a covert/vunerable narcissist

I am currently no contact with my mother who tries to use ignorance as a shield. I told her my condition for a continued relationship, she needs to read It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani so we can be on the same page about the narcissistic abusive dynamic in our family. I knew she was an enabler of my father’s abuse (he’s a grandiose narcissist as is my sister), but it’s been almost a year she hasn’t read it. She tried to guilt trip me into seeing her without reading and acknowledging what happened in our family. I have held my ground. Then she gave excuses about how she’s not intelligent enough to understand the concepts in the book. She held down a job for 30 years in customer support and accounting, she ran her own Mary Kay business for years. That book is written with the layperson in mind, so I don’t buy her excuses.

What led me to set up low/no contact in rhe first place….she has always been either completely shut down emotionally or over emotional to the extreme. There is no middle ground with her. She made me her therapist as a child; I had to help her cope with estrangement from her parents and then with the divorce of my father when I was a sophomore in college. She did not help me cope with either hugely traumatizing event at all and I felt like I had to be the mature one, not a daughter who deserves comfort and support. In middle school, I was being viciously bullied by a group of girls (one even stabbed me with a pencil). I reached out to my mother for help (I obviously had cpstd from abuse at home & school) and I said I needed a therapist. I told her I thought about suicide and needed professional help. She totally minimized my own experiences and basically told me to ignore them and suck it up. I was 12 btw, and they both had good paying jobs and could have afforded therapy.

We have a distant relationship because of these issues; I have done a lot of inner work, i have read countless books/videos about npd and am trying to heal and get my life together.

Two years ago I came out to her as bisexual; she changed the subject and acted like I didn’t say anything important at all. I brought this up to her and she said she didn’t say anything because she was worried about what my husband felt about this. He has been extremely supportive and sensitive about my coming out as bisexual and he’d known for a couple years before I actually told her. I truly feel she cares more about him and staying in good graces with his family then about the very real pain her emotional neglect causes me.

Last year (this was the final straw) she played ignorant/dismissive when I brought up that I believe I’m autistic and have adhd. I asked if she remembered any of the autistic traits I demonstrated as a child, but she basically said she didn’t really remember me as a child. I asked her why did she have me if I mean so little to her and she said she just wanted kids to cuddle with. What in the hell? She does not know me at all, and the sad thing is I can’t get an official diagnosis without family to share knowledge of my childhood behaviors with a licensed psychiatrist. It’s extremely obvious to anyone who actually knows me that I’m on the spectrum (intense special interests, stimming, limerance, difficulty with social interactions, anxiety, sensitivity to noise, sensitivity to touch, etc….)

The more distance I have from her and the more time that passes I have realized that the abuse in our family wasn’t just caused by my father and sister; she also had a huge part to play. Her lack of empathy, emotional immaturity, the inability to take accountability for her part in the abusive dynamic I was raised in. Emotionally immature people attract each other, it’s why she was drawn to my father. It’s why my sister is the golden child and I’m the truth teller/scapegoat. It truly saddens me how little I mean to her and it has been very eye opening to me about her true character. Reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Alice Miller truly opened up my eyes to her neglect and lack of maturity. Inaction, emotional neglect, indifference…these are abusive behaviors. Admitting this has been extremely difficult, but I wanted to share this with all of you. If you are going through a similar situation, it’s ok to name a spade a spade. Abuse is abuse, and if they try to minimize their actions through weaponized incompetence, dismissal, denial, then they don’t deserve forgiveness.