I was cleaning my entire house the other day because depression is a bitch that turns my home into a hovel. As I was sweeping the bathroom, a big spider came scurrying out from behind the toilet.
I screamed and ran away. It was instinct and I’m glad nobody was around to witness my cowardice. I really don’t like killing things, especially big things that might take multiple hits and/or leave a mess. So I grabbed a cup and an envelope and scooped it up, trying not to panic as I scampered towards the door to chuck it out.
I live in an apartment with only one neighbor, directly across the hall. They have a bunch of kids, who are all off this week for spring break. As I opened my front door, there were two strange kids, probably between 5-8, waiting for their friends to come out of the neighbor’s apartment. My dog is a giant doofus who followed me to the door and saw new friends, so he immediately tried shoving past me. He would have probably tackled the kids, then I would have had to take off running after him.
I couldn’t hold the spider cup and grab my dog at the same time. I picked the dog. I didn’t just drop the cup.
Unfortunately, while trying to grab the dog, the spider got launched out of my hands and directly at the smaller child, who immediately started screaming, which made his sister start screaming and smacking at him to try and “get the spider.” Meanwhile, I’m now panicking because I have a wiggly asshole of a dog slamming me into the doorframe while unfamiliar children scream in my tiny hallway.
I finally shoved the dog back inside and hustled the kids out of the hallway, apologizing profusely the entire time. They were fine, they even laughed about it like a minute later, but still. This was two days ago and I still feel so fucking bad.
Comments
those kids will never forget the day they encountered the lady who threw the spider at them, its just character building lol
sorry but this shit is hilarious
You didn’t mean for any of that to happen, and it’s clear you care a lot since you’re still thinking about it. Kids are pretty resilient, and it sounds like they ended up finding it funny! Don’t be too hard on yourself.
Oh how I wish I could have witnessed this core memory being imprinted onto those children lmao.
I laughed so hard because I remember the time my ex used a broom to sweep a spider from the ceiling, and AT me. Flying kamikaze spider and me screaming like a wild woman.
Aw man I would vomit, I can’t handle even tiny spiders on me- but if they didn’t cry and laughed, I rlly wouldn’t worry too much! Not that that rlly helps. Maybe find a toy spider or something and surprise them with it or hang it from ur door. Little plastic or fluffy spider pranks or something.
I can’t. I’m trying to contain laughter at work. Those POOR kids though! Horrifying and traumatizing hahahahah I’d be so upset if I were them. I’ve freaked out for less.
Maybe send them some baked goods as an I’m sorry
I wish you had a ring cam for this. Lol
I’m dead 💀 that’s absolutely traumatizing but equally hilarious
Lol that’s hilarious, you might wanna consider training your dog though. it’s a little concerning he wants to barrel kids over.
Now all I want to do is throw spiders at people. Thanks for nothing internet!
[Goes on internet to order thousands of spiders]
First time I’ve ever wished that a post was a video….
At least the kids got a surprise horror show for spring break! Who knew it’d be “Spider and Dog Drama” that made their day unforgettable.
Lol! This is a hilarious story! Don’t feel bad. I guarantee they’ll be laughing about it for years to come
This is great lmao
No harm done, you’ll be fine.
My sister had a BF who was afraid of spiders. Hell, I don’t like them either. But I meticulously stuck little strands of black sewing thread onto a black peppercorn and ran after him with it. It’s a VERY long time ago.
We did this to each other as kids, it won’t be the last time this happens to them – you might have just created a new game. One of my brothers is very scared of spiders – my other brother would occasionally tell him he had a spider on his back just to see him freak out. I wouldn’t worry.
Appreciate ya! You can’t throw rice at weddings (thanks Obama…) SO WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO THROW?
Well we know now, but to tell would ruin the surprise! And I don’t ruin surprises. I’m not a goddamned monster.
I’m just a simple man, who spends his days driving around looking for weddings with tubs of spiders in his car.
They’re making not 1 but 2 movies about me! A comedy: “Wedding Crashers 2,” AND a Western: “Fistful of Spiders.”
Oh yeah, and to “the one who got away”: how do you like me now? First you get the spiders then you get the power THEN you get the women.
So I became the awesome person I am….despider best attempts to deride me.
Dear internet. I am sorry for taking up so much of your valuable time. Thank you. This has been my Ted talk. You know Ted right? That bitch has a faceful of spiders now. Bam!
I’m 28 and deathly afraid of spiders. If I were the kids I would never forgive you! Half kidding (I think)
Please tell me you have a doorbell cam. I need to see this hilarity.
I needed a laugh today. Thanks.
Well, one COULD say, set up a misting tent at a fascist rally in the summer to cool everyone down.
One COULD fill that mister with diluted moth pheromone.
A comedy of errors. It was not intentional and you apologized to the scared kids. If you don’t let this scab over (stop picking at it) you won’t eventually find it funny. Which it is. It is hilarious
I’m deathly afraid of spiders. When I lived in Florida I was taking my dog outside when all the sudden my dog started trying to bite at her back. I looked closer and there was a huge wolf spider that had jumped on her back from the wall outside. I screamed and ran back into the house. My bf at the time went outside to get my dog and when he came back in he said he didn’t see a spider anywhere. Then a second later my dog spits it out onto the floor, like it’s a present. This is the same dog that’s afraid of plastic bags. IT WASN’T DEAD and started running. I screamed and got on the kitchen counter while my bf had to kill it.
There was a sad lady, a spider she threw
At poor little children
She didn’t know what to do?
This is hilarious af and the sister had a legit reason to smack her bro that day lmfao. The “there was something on your face” line is true this time!
At that age, my kids would have loved someone throwing a giant spider at them. They would have named it and asked me to somehow make a home for it. I would have gently discouraged keeping it saying that it would have a much better quality of life outside.
What was the fate of this gigantic spider?
This is adorably hilarious. I too am a spider rehomer (and occasional spider thrower) and have large, wacky dogs. I could almost convince myself I wrote this myself.
Ugh that’s so traumatizing 😭 I have really bad arachnophobia and the 2 scariest times of my life involve black widows. Once, I came home with my bf and my roommate to find one right outside my bedroom on the baseboard. I launched myself backwards into my roommate and knocked her down. The second time I was cooking ramen on the stove and the steam disturbed one that apparently made it’s home in the vent over the stove and I watched in horror as that mfr decended slowly over my food and I screamed. Needless to say I lost my appetite.