I need to know if I overreacted or not, I think it was deserved but curious on what others think.
Some background- I just had our second baby 3 weeks ago. We also have a freshly 2 year old. My husband works a job with a pretty rigorous schedule. He works 12 hour shifts on a 2 on and 2 off schedule (and every other weekend). Due to his schedule I have never once asked him to wake up with me during the night. I also do all of the housework and have been doing it all since I was only 2 days postpartum. He gets like 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Im a full time online college student. I also cook for him everyday, I do all of the “great” wife things without complaint. I am drained and exhausted and I hardly have time to even eat, but I still carry on.
This morning was his first day off after working 3 12hr shifts in a row. I knew he was tired. We have an agreement that on days he is off he will help me with the morning routine. The morning routine with a toddler and newborn is pretty rough so it’s nice to have help sometimes. I gently tried to wake him up this morning but he wouldn’t budge. I just accepted the fact he would be no help so I just got up and did what I normally do. I have to feed and change my newborn, pump, dress my toddler, cook breakfast for my toddler, was my pumps and bottles from the night, and pack my toddler’s preschool bag. 20 minutes before we leave, I went into our room and said “Hey sweetie, we’re leaving in 20 minutes if you want to come along” and he acknowledged me but turned over to go back to sleep.
So 20 minutes go by and I leave because I have to get my toddler to school by a certain time. I planned to drop her off and then grab my husband’s favorite breakfast and bring it home to him.
5 minutes into me driving I get a call from my husband. I answer and he immediately is mad at me. He starts saying things like “Why the f*** would you leave without me” “Why didn’t you wake me up”. I respond with “Why do I need to wake you up, you are a grown man” I also said “I already have so many responsibilities on my plate, waking you up would just add to that. And to that he said “ugh here we go”. He was acting like all I do is complain about my responsibilities but I never complain to him! Even when I’m running on empty I never complain. He was just so so mean to me, I can’t even believe that was my husband on the phone.
I don’t normally get mad but I was set off. I hung up the phone and put it on silent because I didn’t want to hear it anymore. My toddler was also in the car listening and I didn’t want her to hear her dad talking to me like that. This obviously pissed him off.
I drop off my toddler and I still go pick up his breakfast for him. I thought maybe he would realize how mean he was and apologize when I got home. WRONG.
I get to our house and he COMES OUTSIDE TO CONTINUE YELLING AT ME. I simply responded with “I got you breakfast” and he said “at least you did that” with a snarky ass smirk.
So I did something that I never would ever in a million years do. I closed the car door, rolled down the window, threw the breakfast bag on the ground and said “eat sh!t and f*** you” and I backed out quickly and left with our newborn.
I am currently sitting in a McDonald’s with my newborn with angry tears running down my face. I haven’t checked the messages he sent, kind of scared to.
I have never said something like that to my husband, but something took over. The way he talked to me when all I do is make sure everyone is taken care of. I am so upset.
Did I overreact?
Comments
NTA – you did try to wake him, and he is the one that is overreacting. I cant blame you for being pissed at this. He needs to be better. Youre both stressed but this is not okay.
I can’t read this headline without doing it in Andy Samberg’s voice
‘I’m not part of your system!!!!’
Under-reacting. You should have emptied the bag on the floor so he had to clean it up.
You’re overwhelmed with a newborn, toddler, housework, and school, and he was dismissive and rude. Throwing the breakfast was an emotional reaction understandable given how he treated you.
NTA. You are carrying the household. Running ragged. He chose to yell like a child instead of appreciating you. That’s years of frustration in that breakfast toss. You have been a saint doing what have been so far.
Probably it wasn’t the best way to react, but im another overwhelmed mother so I totally understand.
NTA
Perfect time to get a divorce x
NTA. You’re three weeks postpartum, juggling a toddler, newborn, and college while still trying to make him breakfast. He should be kissing the ground you walk on, not berating you over something as trivial as being “left behind.”
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NTA but your husband is a giant one! Three weeks postpartum, I don’t care what his schedule is, he should be doing his share of parenting and household chores at the very least. Also, he isn’t a toddler who needs waking. He is grown man and father and should act like one. And sweetheart, you are exhausted & are getting no support from the one person meant to be in this newborn phase with you. That’s why you broke. I hate that you sound guilty for your honest, exhausted reaction. I hate that you seem scared of what his reaction will be. I hate that you mention doing ‘great wife’ things 3 weeks postpartum and really hope I’ve misunderstood what you mean by that. Stay safe, stand up for yourself & know you have two children not three. Husband needs to man up and start behaving like a man not an additional kid.
NTA – He deserved that. You can’t keep living like this.
NTA. This is entirely on him.
Though, if this is completely out of character, there might be more to the story. Maybe once things have cooled down it’s worth exploring that.
I worked 3 -5 12’s each week for 25 years. Had all the babies and did all the house work. It ain’t that hard. His schedule doesn’t forgive him from his behavior. Oh and also I never needed someone to wake my grown ass up.
>I simply responded with “I got you breakfast” and he said “at least you did that” with a snarky ass smirk.
This right here made my jaw drop.
How ungrateful can he be?
The fact that he is working 12 hour shifts is irrelevant. You work 24 hours shifts. Motherhood is a job and you never get a time off. He can sleep a bit less or when he is awake he can take on some of the chores or look after one of the kids.
He choose to be father, he needs to father these babies. There’s no “Oh I can’t today, you deal with it”.
NTA. He needs to take on more responsibilities and you need to stop babying him.
NTA-a lot of people work 12 hour shifts, and more then 3 days in a row, so being tired isn’t an excuse for him.
He is a grown adult who is more than capable of getting himself up. And if he wants his fav breakfast he can go get it himself.
He acts like this because he’s the one making money he doesn’t realise all the unpaid constant work you do. You did absolutely right! Men dont appreciate all the works women do and think it might so ‘easy’ to stay at home taking care of toddler then newborn cook and clean!!!
You didn’t overreact at all. Fuck him and his backwards thinking. Sounds like you work a never-ending job while he at least gets time off. Seriously, fuck him on that. That’s so ridiculous it’s insane. My wife and I have kids, and they’re SO much work. We split that work, as it should be.
So he works all this shifts, ok, he’s tired and all… But your shifts seems to have 24h. Why can’t you rest? Parenthood is difficult. Why have TWO babies if his schedule is complicated and you’re actually busy studying online? Why all the mental and physical labor is yours? What is he doing to make you happy, well rested, fed, etc?
What he did is beyond pathetic and he is an ahole. And you’re being an asshole to yourself. We’re not in the 60s anymore.
Your husband sounds unappreciative, selfish and abusive emotionally. You’re basically raising your children alone . Just because he works doesn’t mean he can’t help out. You’re basically working 24 hours a day and he gets to rest and when you don’t do what he wants to treat you like dirt. Do you really wanna be in a relationship where you constantly treated like this and your children see this and think this is OK. I wouldn’t tolerate it.
He has a 12 hour job with free days in between. You have a 24 hour job AND college and no free days. Yet you are behaving like you have to care about him too because he’s so so tired from work.
Your children should be your priority. Both of you. It does not seem like you were fully prepared for the time and work a toddler and a newborn at the same time take. I know it’s hard in this economy but he either has to cut down on work or find another solution. You can’t to this alone. At the very least you deserve his respect, no matter how tired he is.
I would’ve thrown it AT him. You’re a better human than me. No, not overreacting, not the asshole. Your husband sure is! Best of luck!
NTA. Go somewhere safe (your parents’ or siblings or friend’s home, call him and tell him he’s a terrible husband and you are rethinking this marriage because you get no help and no appreciation. If you are scared of his anger, that is NO WAY to live and is not healthy for the kids. He needs to check himself now before he loses his marriage. If he doesn’t care about keeping you, then that is your answer. No point in hanging on to a man who does not want you. If he wants you, he needs to show it every day. And that starts by not yelling at you and not disrespecting you, the mother of his children. Was he raised in a barn??
NTA. He is not a good partner.
NTA. And if the food was still in the bag, you know he just picked the bag up and ate it anyway.
You did wake him up 20 mins before you had to leave!
I know having two kids is very stressful on a young couple. If this is the one and only time he has ever lost his temper with you, or slept so hard he missed dropping off his 2 year old, maybe he is having a once-off bad day, sick day, bad night sleep, maybe something happened at work. I don’t know.
If he has NEVER disrespected you before, I agree with giving him a chance to cool down and apologize and explain himself.
But even so, what he did was unacceptable. He needs to know that and make a sharp 180 degree turn and never go down that road again. He should never, ever speak to you like that ever again.
My parents had a super huge screaming fight when my sister was a toddler and I was a baby. I do not remember it but my sister does. It was a big verbal fight. They never fought like that ever again, because my mom apparently stood her ground hard and said, you will not ever speak to me like this again or I am leaving. She meant it. She was the stay at home mom back in those days, and she put the fear in him that if he did not get his shit together, to wonder what he was going to do all alone with two babies.
Sometimes, you have to draw a line. Or else he will disrespect you from this day on.
NTA. Your partner is having a terrible twos style temper tantrum. He is mad at himself and trying to take it out on you.
The best parenting techniques say ignore or redirect the temper tantrums.
If he doesn’t grow up asap, change the locks and put his stuff in storage and give him the storage key.
You’re 3 weeks postpartum so whatever feels are going to happen are going to happen. But the mental load he is adding is taking the piss- expecting you to wake him to help you is rediculous. Also, stop martyring yourself to the idea of being a great wife- he needs to start helping overnight and all day on his days off- otherwise where is your day off?
Honestly? Proud of you. NTA
>I closed the car door, rolled down the window, threw the breakfast bag on the ground and said “eat sh!t and f*** you” and I backed out quickly
I would have rolled over the breakfast with the tires, as a coup-de-grace.
You have 3 jobs, and he has 1. You’re a full-time mom to 2 very young kids, a housewife, and a student.
And now you also have to deal with an unsupportive, demanding, verbally abusive husband.
>I haven’t checked the messages he sent, kind of scared to.
Don’t be scared. That’s what he wants. You’ve proven that you can, and are, doing everything by yourself anyway. I’d contact your family and see if you can arrange some support, and a time out until you sort out what happens next.
NTA
I work 10-12 hours and sometimes even longer and never ever would I be so rude talking with my partner.
NTA
Do not read his texts. But please do send him a list of the house chores and the time toddler needs to ne picked up. Let him know you and baby will be home in time for dinner, which you expect to be cooked by him.
He got a full night’s sleep. With a 3 week old and a 2 year old. A full night’s sleep is an unheard of luxury for such a parent and he needs to appreciate what real life with kids is.
NTA. He is an AH. A huge one. A monstrous huge one!
Take a break. Do something nice for yourself. Later pick up your toddler, treat some junk food for both of you (toddler and you). Your husband-AH can tend for himself.
“Here we go again” is a way to silence your feelings and needs.
Nah, ur no overreacting at all. Honestly, sounds like high time he steps up a bit more. You’re an absolutely cracking mom AND student, by the way. You shouldn’t have to feel like you’re raising 3 kids . Defo gotta talk it out, maybe when he’s calmer. Keeping you in my thoughts, mate! Hang in there, you incredible badass!
This is the hardest time in both of your lives right now. You’re not getting enough rest, you’re recovering from a major medical event, and you’re meant to prioritize your two year old. It’d okay. He was a total jerk and you were in the right. I bet he was hangry too. Take some time for yourself (haha I know probably impossible) but try. Try to take a nap today and drink lots of water. Sending you big big hugs. You’re not alone even if it feels that way.
Your husband is a giant ass…..
NTA. I’m sorry but your husband is a man-child. I am more than willing to do all of those wife duties until he expects it without doing anything for you. Many men think just because they bring home the money that they don’t have to do absolutely anything else. You did not overreact. I think you need some marriage counseling. It’s a big red flag that he’s dismissive that you are overwhelmed. I’m pissed for you honestly.
NTA
Your husband is lacking in understanding that he needs to help out too, no matter how tired he is. This is one reason why I’ve chosen to stay on BC & stop dating & making excuses for JUST ANYBODY. I am not bashing you at all OP, I have so much sympathy for you.
YOUR HUSBAND SUCKS!!!! A lot of men nowadays think women should be the ones to do everything, & men ALWAYS HAVE THE SAME EXCUSE… “I’m so tired, I work long hours & days… da da da da da da da” …. Excuse me, i understand you work hard long labor but women? We feel the SAME EXACT WAY after taking care of ourselves, going to our OWN jobs, coming home, taking care of MEN, taking care of CHILDREN, taking care of SCHOOL, COOKING , CLEANING, & SO MANY OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES…. It’s so rare to see a man helping out & splitting the work evenly… but THEY ARE OUT THERE.
I hope you & your husband can work this out, & I hope he can see how close minded & not helpful he has been, & steps up for you. You did not get married & have children just to be exhausted & miserable the rest of your life. Yes you have a lot of responsibility, but husbands are supposed to “lighten your load” with things. They always want to help. If he doesn’t want to help you…. Something is wrong. That’s what relationships are about. Partnership & helping each other grow.
If you absolutely want this to work out, I would suggest therapy, mainly for him, so he can figure out that he needs to do more for your family other than just going to work.
OP sounds to me like you FINALLY found your voice! Don’t lose it!
Your husband needs a major wake up call.
Also, stop babying him! You treat him like you’re his mother and your responsibility.
He is a man child!
Hes gunna hit you one of these days if you stay. This is how it starts.
He is all kinds of unsupportive and rude. You have TWO children-you don’t need a manchild too. If he wants to come along to drop off toddler then he needs to put on his alarm. You are a mother of two not three
No. You did not overreact. From what you’ve written, you did all the right things. You tried to wake him twice. He was probably in very deep brain dead sleep ( it happens – i have 2 x FIFObrothers. You can’t wake them up somedays, especially after coming off night shift), so you gave him grace and let him be whilst you went about your day.
You and your husband are both on exhausting schedules, and he behaved like an absolute turd.
FIFO is really a relationship ruiner. Most of the guys on the mines think they work so hard. While the wives party at home. It’s not true. You are working your ass off with kids 24 /7. They might work hard core 12 hour shifts. But they can have a shower in peace, go to gym, have drinks with work mates on site if they want to and food is usually provided. Here, you still have to cook and clean with two kids on your hands and drinks with workmates is not even an option.
If he can’t apologise for his actions and fails to see how hard you work too then you are in a pickle. You’re not his mum either. He needs to set his alarm clock. From now on you should refuse to wake him.
Your head line should read “I finally found my voice”
Nta. Your husband needs to get his head out of his a$$!!!!
NTA – you did wake him. You can’t wait for him on his time because your toddler has a schedule. He has to be there on time, just like your husband does at his job.
If your husband is a decent man and knows you well, then he will know immediately he crossed the line and you had enough. He crossed that thresh hold. He also knows that you left. You may be considering that a permanent option (not saying you will), just should be in his mind.
What I do think you need to do, is start keeping track of your day. Very detailed for a few days. For example, it took me 47 minutes to cook supper. While I was cooking supper, I had to stop and do this, and this and this. I went to sleep at this time, but baby woke me up at this time for a feeding and changing. Then show that too him and say I think we need to have a better division of responsibilities when you have days off. I don’t get them.
This is what happens when you have not 1 but 2 babies with a man child deadbeat.
NTA. I don’t care what his shifts are – 2yo + infant + 3 wks postpartum is absolutely nuts.
You don’t need to take care of whining manchild bitching and moaning over nothing
(Please use those words, cuz it’s true)
That being said….I’m glad you at least got the freshly 2 year old. The stale ones can be so much work! 😆
Update us when he hopefully comes to his senses, and crawls to you apologizing, which is the only acceptable response from him at this point
You know what took over? Your righteous anger at your husband. Feed on it. Stand up for yourself, and remember how powerful you felt in that moment. And never let him treat you like that again. Also, let him get his own damn breakfast.
NTA – You have 3 children, he is a grown ass man, and he needs to step up once and a while and help you out. Yes, you are SAHM but you deserve a break every so often as well. Those are his kids as well and he needs to step up and help you out with them.
He’s awful. Like I get he worked 3 12 hour shifts or w/e and was a pillow princess while you did everything but his inability to show gratitude is insane. Honestly, stop doing anything for him.
No, your husband is the arsehole and if the was the grand canyon had a few hemmaroids sprinkled around the rim your husband would STILL be the bigger arsehole
NTA. Please, OP, get sick on one of his days off and let that man take one morning doing what you do. And it’s not your job to do it all without complaining.
Aw mama, I am so sorry this happened to you. I understand how overwhelming it is and how we wish we could get a little help here and there. Unfortunately, we don’t and can’t get the help we need. There is not much grace to moms like us. You are definitely NTA.
I don’t have any advice for you but I am sending you virtual love and hugs. Keep your heap up, you are doing an amazing job that only you can do. You are not alone, you are loved and you are strong. Breathe in and out.
NTA – As soon as I read the “ugh, here we go” statement, my stomach dropped for you. You’re a lot nicer than me. He would have been wearing that breakfast. What a piece of work. How could he not know that babies are a lot of work and still be a thankless piece of poop? Does he think the house magically cleans itself? Does he think children just get up, get ready, and feed themselves? I’m willing to bet you did all of this in sweatpants, unshowered, with messy hair, too. Do you remember what it’s like to feel good again? He would fall apart without you catering to him, too. What you have here is a man-child. I understand the next day after a 12 hr shift, but his reaction was absolute garbage. I can’t wrap my head around the fact that he basically just wants the accolades of being there for the drop-off without doing any of the pre-work. This is why so many mothers get frustrated when people compliment incompetence with “Aww, youre such a good dad!” Barf. Gag me.
NTA . I’m not sure why men don’t understand that it doesn’t matter how many hours you work or how many days a week you work, your children are still your responsibility. If your wife is a stay at home mom that does all of the housework, including cleaning up after your sorry ass, you still have a responsibility to get up and participate in taking care of and raising your children.
Your husband is the AH in this situation
NTA i would have run the bag over
Fuck that guy.
Its called having a back bone. Im proud of you. NTA. I dont know how he will respond. But im on your side and I hope it gets sorted. Well done. Dont feel bad about this. Its called having a back bone.
YOU CANT KEEP LIVING LIKE THIS. Something has to change hunny. You are objectively doing 100% of the work whether he admits that or not. You’re exhausted, under stress, and irrevocably unsupported. You deserve better than this. Demand that!
Honestly sweetie you showed incredible restraint. He would have been picking his breakfast out of his hair if it was me. Sleep deprivation and lack of appreciation while being postpartum. There’s only so much you can take before you just snap.
NTA. Whilst (and you know this yourself) your reaction wasn’t ideal, it seems like it’s coming from a place of overwhelm (and perhaps a little resentment? Which I only say because the post suggests that other than work he does nothing else? Btw, my dad worked 12hr nights 4 on 4 off for YEARS! And he was still more than capable of helping mum out on his days off – albeit it did take her literally getting sectioned for him to step up properly. Don’t let that be you.)
I’d say your only way of moving forward from this is to communicate what you need. It sounds like you’re taking on a lot right now and as a husband, he should be supporting you and helping..As you clearly feel you are for him. (Evident by getting him the breakfast after he already yelled at you – I would not have done so.)
Be brave. Read the messages. Go home with a clear mind and apologise for your reaction. Then explain where it came from and how you’re feeling and what you need from him. He’ll either take it on board or dismiss you entirely.. Either way, you’ll have an answer as to what to expect in future and whether you’re able to tolerate it for the rest of your life.
I’m proud of you for not tolerating that anymore, but I do think you ought to work on using different words & tactics because now he can just use your reaction to a) cry hard-done by, b) maybe even ratchet up his own rude & unacceptable behaviours and c) double down on not apologising to you for his shitty behaviour & attitude. I think what you did is what is known as “reactive abuse” –
“”” What is reactive abuse? Reactive abuse happens when a victim of abuse reacts to that abuse in a way which could include physical violence or shouting of their own. This isn’t because the victim is an abuser, rather that they have been a victim of abuse for such a period that they have themselves lashed out.”””
Sorry this is all happening to you, I feel for you, it’s hecka unfair. Your husband has been taking advantage of you, running you into the ground, not pulling his own weight with the kiddos, being a rude ahole. Yes, he works very long shifts – AND SO DO YOU.
NTA and I hope this is resolved asap and he comes to his senses of what he did and the fact that it’s unacceptable and he needs to step up to the plate. best of luck!
You aren’t a part of his system
you should talk to someone- be it a friend, parent, clergy or professional
NTA but your man is deadweight. Get a divorce and get child support from him instead.
You’ve got 3 kids
NTA and fuck him.
No you did not overreact and your husband is a big baby he does not realize how damn good he has it. So he didn’t want to get up and then he yells at you because he didn’t get up. Well if he wants to be woken up from now on poor ice water on him if he really wants you to wake him up and he’s refusing, that’ll get his ass up. Obviously don’t do that cuz that’s not really a good idea tempting though, isn’t it? Yeah you two need a serious talk and now that you have two children as well as adult third one, he’s got the Step Up rigorous job or no. You need help two kids is tough believe me I know I did it too. I did the same thing I had my husband do as little stuff as possible so he did do all the cooking. Obviously I fed the kids during the day but I wouldn’t be cooking per se. We did a lot of frozen chicken nuggets and mac and cheese which I would make. Did all sorts of stuff tried to keep it as healthy as possible but not all of it was the greatest of course. We had kids that ate vegetables and fruit so yes they had a balanced diet. The only fruit mine one kid won’t need is bananas. I think it’s more a texture thing than a taste. But that’s irrelevant. He needs to help you more than he does and you two need to talk, a serious talk without him freaking out and going here we go again. Yeah he’s got some growing up to do really quick.
You need (and deserve) your sleep, help around the house and a husband who appreciates all that you do for the family.
NTA You under-reacted.
I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!
IF True???
You made a HUGE mistake in buying breakfast for someone who’s just berated you LIKE A CHILD.
So yes you’re an Arsehole TO YOURSELF for buying it in the first place.
Honestly you deserve so much better than this NTA he sounds lazy, arrogant and abusive, is he always
Ike this? Please Updateme don’t be scared if you genuinely are, have you got family close you can go to with the kids?
NTA you’re overwhelmed doing everything and he still is an entitled asshole.
But keep in mind that throwing things and violence isn’t justified or normal.
DO NOT MAKE A THIRD BABY.
My husband had a similar work schedule when our youngest was born. He also had a hefty commute.
He ALWAYS got up in the middle of the night to help me. He ALWAYS would change our baby’s diapers. He went out of his way to do the dishes and to pick up around the house so I wouldn’t have to.
Your husband is responsible for half of that baby. He can’t even do the minimum, and then he’s verbally abusive to you even though you actually DID wake him up? Your husband sucks.
OP NTA but unless your baby has a health issue please consider switching to formula if you can afford it. Pumping is draining and you are doing so much on your own that you really need to take something off your plate.
I know, I know breast is best, but fed is the only thing that really matters! Don’t feel any guilt, millions and millions of babies have been exclusively formula fed. It’s fine and your circumstances are exactly what it is for!
Your husband is emotionally abusive and treating you with disrespect rather than being accountable for his own behavior and choices.
NTA
His schedule isn’t even bad, buddy gets 2 on 2 off right? Yeah your husband is just a dick, he’s not tired, he needs a reality check
NTA. And fuck your husband for real lol. This bum can do some housework and cooking too. He has it easy.
You’re not exaggerating, not in the slightest. You’ll eventually have to talk, but it’s better to let this condensed mutual anger pass, because the two of you will only hurt each other with hot heads.
Do you have family or friends in the city who you can count on? Maybe someone to be with you when you get home? Just to make sure things are normal when you get there.
Please come back to update us. I hope you and your children are well! <3
NTA. He’s being a manchild. An adult can get their own ass out of bed. An adult takes part in the care of their own children and the maintenance of their own home. And when one of you is a stay at home and the other works, it is essential that you look at things not just as “are we doing equivalent work to contribute to our family” you also have to look at “are we getting equivalent rest”. That means opportunities to be left alone, to sleep in, to see friends and enjoy hobbies. These opportunities are going to be less when you have such young kids, but you should both be working TOGETHER to make sure both of you are getting what is possible within that set of circumstances. I doubt your husband will get a wake up call from the breakfast incident, if anything my guess is that he’ll see it as more “proof” that you’re unreasonable or unstable, because people like this can’t see past the end of their own nose. Don’t let him gaslight you. Maybe consider couples therapy before this gets worse, because it will, and by then it might be too late.
NTA. He doesn’t even show you basic respect, so this is the perfect response.
Girl you are DRAINED and this man is useless. Hes mad at you for him not waking up?? Not your fault or responsibility. And to make it worse YOU TRIED to wake the lazy fuck up. NTA is do the same.
NTA. It sounds like you have 3 children. Personally, I could never respect a man that helpless and hapless. I don’t know what he does for a living but working 12 hour 3 on/3 off isn’t unusual. I’m sure he gets tired, but he could still help out by doing some of the cooking and childcare. You shouldn’t have had to do the drop off at all. He should have been up taking care of his toddler and driving them to school while you cared for the newborn.
NOR. NTA. He’s over reacting. And you need some help.
NTA clearly. The question is how to get out of this situation. Old posts = you are really young and you’ve been working your ass off shouldering adult responsibilities since you were even younger. You aren’t on this planet just to do for others. Especially not for this husband who may have a tough job, but has a tough job and a helper feeding him and cleaning up after him and raising his children, while you have no one. It’s infuriating and you deserve to be angry. Probably a lot angrier than you are, honestly.
NTA. You’re not overreacting, you’re being mistreated and you’re noticing.
All I can say is – you should taken the wrappers off first.
NOR
He needs to man up. “He worked 3 days of 12 hour shifts”. Yeah, and you’ve worked 20+ days of 22 hour shifts. He slept all night. You haven’t slept at all.
NTA. Obviously he deserved it. Hope that was a wake up call. the part I don’t get is, you knew this is how he is – work work work – Just because you had a baby isn’t going to change a mans behavior. it SHOULD but it won’t. He feels the children are solely your job not fair at all but
Woah, so you guys clearly don’t know how to talk to each other well.
I do think you reacted immature. You guys should work on conflict resolution. Also if you have a community , ask for help!
He was wrong but you also were wrong. Apologize using I statements and try to work through. Only focus on what you did and how he made you feel. You guys are married.
Get out before his verbal abuse turns physical
He sounds like an ungrateful man child who thinks he’s hot shit because he works 12 hour shifts. He needs to get it through his head that his attitude needs to change and that change itself is inevitable. He is sharing a house with a brand new human being his life cannot and should not stay the same as it was before.
NTA
You got the kids up
You got them dressed
You made breakfast and fed your children
You took both the baby and toddler out with you
You bought breakfast for the adult child in your home.
And he has the nerve to yell at you?
NTA. Congratulations on your baby. I’m so sorry he’s not helping you. Sending you all the internet love and hugs
Lady you are burning out, you shouldn’t be okay to handle all house duties and kids duties on your own. This is not healthy at all. You are waking up at night with such a small baby, and you have to deal with a toddler and newborn and house during the day.
You go home and have a serious conversation with your third baby about his awful behavior. You don’t deserve this. NTA.
You need to stop doing so many things for him. He does not appreciate you. He gets 8-9 hours of uninterrupted sleep while you are juggling 2 young children and most of the chores and college! He is an entitled jerk. You need to renegotiate household responsibilities and child care. If he continues with this behavior along with the verbal abuse, I would recommend counseling.
NTA – You’re nicer than I would have been. I would have thrown it on the ground and stomped on it. Eat THAT, AH! “Well, at least you did that””????? WTF?! I’m sorry, but are you his wife or his servant? He seems confused. And he wants to come outside and yell at you on the front lawn, so the whole neighborhood can see what kind of disgrace he has for a wife?! OH HELL NO! There better be a DAMN GOOD apology and SERIOUS remorse BEFORE you set foot back into that house. That’s straight up abuse! Straight no chaser! And tolerance for it needs to be 0%.
NTA. Congratulations on your baby. I’m so sorry he’s not helping you. Sending you all the internet love and hugs
Your husband is an AH!!! If anything, you under reacted. When he’s home, the childcare and housework should be 50/50. I can’t believe he had the nerve to speak to you like that after all you do for him.
NTA. As a dad and a husband, i would expect much worse, lol. U were nice, lol.
NTA, your husband is a piece of shit!
If you can’t vent or compromise with your partner over your workload… why are you with him? You are already doing everything on your own! Are you even in a partnership, or do you have 3 children, one is just really big? I will never understand this mentality of “I do all this work and I don’t complain because that is what a good wife does!” No it’s not. It is what a good servant does. You are not a servant. You both have jobs, he just expects you to bend over backwards to make sure you keep taking on more while he gets to stay the same. Either work together to figure this shit out together or get ready for burn out.
Oh honey, I’m so sorry.
You are raising 3 children, not 2.
Husband needs to understand he better start pulling his weight or you’re not going to carry it any more.
NTA – He sounds like a terrible partner and father. I understand working long shifts (I’ve done it and still helped with my nephews when I lived with my sister), but his reaction was out of line. He gets to sleep through the night so he has no excuse as far as I’m concerned.
The fact that you got him breakfast speaks volumes about your kindness and patience. I would never do that for a man like him.
It sounds like you’re a single mom at this point. Either he needs to buck up or kick him to the curb.
does not sound like he is pulling his weight in this relationship. Does any of this resonate with you https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
The fact that you put up with so much is a miracle. He is taking you for granted and not understanding that you work all the time and just gave birth!!!
NTA, I think you need a break because everything soubds exhausting. Do you have family that can watch your kids for a few hours? Cause your SO is def not going to do that.
NTA. Were his eyes popping and veins bulging? That repressed rage and very dangerous for you. Huge red flag.
A warning to you, my dad was the same with my mom. Rage over things that really didn’t matter. He’d pace and yell and scream, he couldn’t control it. Guess what, he died early in his 40s. Thank God, honestly for me as a kid a living hell.
Rage is an emotion that’s not normal. Repressed rage is a symptom of something bigger going on. If you stay he has to go to therapy and find out why he’s acting out like this. I recommend you leave because if he doesn’t want to fix his issues it will get worse for you and your kids.
My mom survived but now she’s an anxious mess. She never remarried because she was so traumatized and she can’t get over it.
Working 12 hour shifts with typically 2 days on and 2 days off does not entitle him to get by doing nothing.
My child’s mother and I managed to successfully co-parent a child while we were both graduate students in college, business owners, and I had a second PT jobs. Your husband is a lazy man-child.
Hes a jerk
Can you find some help? Frirnds neigh ours relatives? Please do.
if he lives alone like a single man he would still have to wash cook clean and get himself a breakfast, stop mothering these men, or he is a partner or move on
Oh honey, there’s a lot to unpack here. First off, he’s a grown ass adult and you did try to wake him up… twice. He throws a toddler temper tantrum.
Umm, I’m also 3 weeks postpartum and I’m not doing anything but feeding and caring for my newborn and laying in bed recovering. My husband is taking care of all household chores and our preschooler. And I still feel overwhelmed. NTA.
NTA. Why the hell are you buying him breakfast? I’m a dad myself and I can’t ever imagine:
NTA
You’re 3 weeks postpartum with a newborn and a toddler – you are already doing an incredible amount just to keep your family going. Many people work 12-hour shifts, sometimes for longer stretches, and they still manage to show up as parents and partners. His job doesn’t excuse him from being a functioning part of the family.
it isn’t about him ‘helping’ with the kids. They are his children, too, and parenting is his responsibility every bit as much as yours. You deserve support, rest, and respect – not to be dismissed, yelled at, or left to shoulder everything alone. Please be gentle with yourself. You’re doing far more than enough, and none of this makes you selfish or unreasonable, but it does make him incredibly selfish and unreasonable!
12 hour shifts are hard and exhausting, but hon, you’re doing longer shifts than that, and you dont get the days off in between. I think what would be more fair is for, on his first day off, he can sleep as late as he wants, then take it easy offering minimal help, then that night he takes the night shift and his 2nd day off is his kid duty day while you get a day off offering minimal help. And when he does get 3 days off every other week, he does 2 night shifts. He’ll appreciate your job a lot more and you’ll be better rested to do the other 6-7 nights that are left.
He may work those 12-hour shifts but he has 12 hours in between for sleeping and eating. Taking care of a toddler and newborn is 25/8. It is constant and he has no clue. He needs to step up to be a partner with you. You barely get a any rest.
Maybe he needs to go to a new father or parent class. Are there any male figures he respects who he’d listen to? You could talk with them and explain the dynamic going on here you need help with. Then have him speak with him. The other thing I’m going to say, and please know this is an all due respect, please don’t have any more children at least in the near few years. I wish you luck with this 🤞👏
The problem was OP starting with “why do I need to wake you up, you are a grown man” instead of “I did try to wake you up twice!” Or three times. You were too tired to wake up.
I’m sorry you’re going through this.
First. Here’s a hug from a buddy. You’re doing amazingly, and I’m proud of you.
Second, give yourself some grace and forgiveness. You deserve that.
Third, tell him that if taking the kids to daycare is important to him, he needs to be responsible for ensuring he’s ready.
You’re already overwhelmed (not in a bad way, this IS an overwhelming time for everyone) and needing to be HIS mom too is just too much.
Good luck, friend.
Married single mother
OP, you are not wrong. Is there anyone close who can come lend a hand? Family, friends, neighbors?
Trying to keep a newborn fed and clean while managing a toddler is beyond work! You need a nap, some time to take a shower without demands, and perhaps someone else bringing you food for a change!
If your husband was at ALL stepping up and parenting, I would suggest you talk to your doctor about PPD, but honestly, you’re doing too much and you aren’t getting any support, so it’s obvious why you would respond to anger and sarcasm with an angry rant.
You deserve to rant! You Deserve to be Angry! You Deserve a partner, not some lad who’s there to nut off and then leave the rest up to you.
So, so NTA
NTA- it takes 2 to make a baby and he needs to start helping you out more. But you also need to start communicating how stressed you are- that’s not okay that all of that stuff falls on you.
Sounds like you should have said something like that to your husband along time ago.
NTA but it’s time for a come to Jesus conversation with your asshole of a husband.
NTA you DID try to wake him up. Is it normal for you to do so or is he sleeping through his alarm? He clearly is not pulling his fair share and y’all need to have a serious chat about the distribution of labor. What you did didn’t help the situation, but he started it by yelling at you for… not waking him up. HE’S the one that overreacted.
NTA. I would have shaken the food out of the bag too.
Stop getting him breakfast. FAFO.
NTA. I’m here reading to my two kids 18 months apart in the bed before school while my husband is doing my cappuccino and everyone’s breakfast before he heads up to his job and dropping of the oldest. My husband not only wanted kids but he wanted to be an active and hands on father. Now that’s the real difference between your husband and mine.
My partner and I both work this same schedule and we’re still normally functioning adults, so he has no excuse to not help you. For him to act this way towards you is ridiculous and unacceptable. My ex was this way and when my son was old enough to say “Mommy, Daddy isn’t very nice to you” I realized I needed to leave for my child’s sake. If you have to bend over backwards to keep him happy, you should reevaluate this relationship.
The last think you need right now is a man child to take care of. Two babies are enough right now.
Too early for an update :’(
Your husband is inconsiderate. NTA.
He sees you as the family slave and his mommy. He gets whole days off every week and you can’t even take a break. Demand that he take over some childcare duties on his days off. I have no idea why woman offer themselves up for 24/7 duty. Men never do.
I’m impressed you walked (drove) away!
I know I would have made him into a hood ornament.
You don’t deserve any of this and he’s been horrific towards you, please sell out family or friends and tell them what’s happening especially today’s events.
Unfortunately he has the red flags of someone who might physically hurt you so be careful and if you’re going to leave him do it with a plan and support
You got back to do all the housechores two days post-partum? Oh god, I have so many things to say about that and none are nice.
You’re NTA. You two need to work on conflict resolution and how to communicate. Because whatever you’re doing now isn’t it. I get and understand the stress you’re in right now. I’ve been there twice.
If I had to “blame” you for anything, it’s allowing your husband to basically get away with not pulling his weight when it comes to the house and kids. I get it, his job is hard. Raising kids is hard. But everyone’s job is hard. We all have responsibilities. He has a job and he’s just allowed to turn it off at the end of the day. You’re not. So you sort of enabled him by setting this “king of the castle” precedent.
No. You did not overreact.
He sounds abusive. His reaction to sleeping in and then continuing his behaviour when he came outside to yell at you demonstrates he is abusive.
He needs to sleep somewhere else tonight.
Yeah, bot. You over reacted. You’re not in a Lonely Island music video.
What ?! You tried to wake him up… he decided not to and then he yelled at you? Why did he need you to wake him up on his days off except for helping with his kids? Like he had a smirk. The disrespect. You’re so right to have done that. He didn’t deserve anything from you. Has he already been this toxic before?
YTA. I don’t know why your husband is helping you with any part of the childcare when he’s doing 100% of the money-making.
NTA! He is though, a huge one. He is underestimating the amount of work you do. You need to sit down and talk about it, and see what options you have
Why are you taking care of him on top of taking care of your two children?
Stop it.
You need to reset this relationship so it isn’t so one-sided.
It sounds like you walk on eggshells around him. He doesn’t appreciate you and based on what you wrote, he doesn’t even like you. He is using you and abusing you.
I hope you two can fix this. If not, I hope you find the strength to leave.
I would try couples therapy and to rebalance the load before I would leave him.
Oh fuck this guy. Your reaction was completely proportionate. Im shocked his lazy useless ass hasn’t given you the Ick. Yeah he works hard shifts but HE GETS DAYS OFF. How much time do YOU get to rest?
If you divorced him, assuming you’re in a state where this applies, you’d get alimony and child support and 50 50 custody. He would have to ACTUALLY PARENT and you might get some time to yourself. Just saying. Maybe in a couple years when the kids are a bit older and you’re done with school…something to consider if this shit doesn’t change fast.
Honey, I just want you to leave. Like not divorce necessarily but just go somewhere with some support. This man should be waiting on you hand and food right now and instead he’s treating you like a servant. It makes my blood boil. Do you have a mother? A sister? A best friend? Somewhere you can go for a while to get some rest and support?
NTA, but your husband sure is. As per what you have shared in your post it appears that you do not have adequate support from your husband, the father of your children. You are in fact caring for three children instead of having a dedicated and involved teammate present to raise the two children you birthed. I am more surprised you hadn’t snapped sooner.
OP you are on 24/7 shifts with no breaks. He’s getting uninterrupted sleep. I am right there with you, I do everything for the baby and he gets to sleep all night. I am up most of the night. I do the kids in the morning for school and drop offs and the list goes on. I know how you feel, it’s exhausting.
Also you are lucky your baby goes for the drive, mine hates the car seat and just screams after about 3 minutes. He’s 8 months old now and just wants out lol I’m fortunate to have my MIL around so she can watch my baby while I take the kids to school but everything else I do myself. It’s a grind and it’s tiring. Your husband has no idea clearly what it’s like to be on duty 24/7 with barely any sleep. I accepted my fate a long time ago but if you can work out something with your husband a talk is necessary. You were so kind to go get him breakfast he sounds ungrateful.
As soon as I read you gave birth 3 weeks ago, I immediately knew you were not TAH. The rest of your post confirmed that your husband is absolutely TAH, with a big scoop of immature too
NTA. I hate people who treat their stay-at-home spouses like their 24/7 personal assistants.