A few months ago I told my husband I wanted to separate. I was over his treatment of me. Which was poor, at best.
At first he said fine. Now he’s begging me to stay, saying he will do anything. He’s made changes already that I had asked previously of him. That he couldn’t make for me before. Which almost makes me angrier than just staying the same bc why was his head so far up his ass?
The problem is…a bunch of shit. Most importantly, I don’t know if I can move on from his treatment of me. And bigger than that, I don’t know if I can trust he won’t slip back into that. I cannot get stuck in that again.
Another problem is that I have developed feelings for someone else. Which was the exact thing that made me realize how miserable I was because at any point before that was unfathomable to me. He’s aware of the feelings and just begs me to stay and give him another chance. But my dopamine has been triggered after being depleted for so long.
The worst part is that the only reason I am considering staying is because we have a child. Otherwise I’d be long gone. But I am absolutely frozen with…fear. Of making the wrong choice and screwing my kid up.
Comments
My time to mothafuckin shine:
OP, leave. His. Ass.
My parents were in the exact same scenario as you and your husband. Only instead of them separating amicably, they stayed together for the same reason you’re hesitating to leave. It was AWFUL. They hated each other and instead of separating, I as a child had to watch as their disdain escalated to the point where they would scream and throw things at each other almost every day. That screwed up what I thought love meant for a long time, and them staying together did infinitely more damage than if they had just separated and coparented.
You’ll screw up your kid and yourself worse by staying. Please put your kid’s and your health and safety first. Reach out to family and friends for support and a place to stay if needed.
A child can tell if something’s wrong in the home so don’t use the child as validation why you’re staying in a marriage that you’re not happy in.
If you reeaaaally want to work on it, do couples therapy, if you haven’t already. What does your family/friends say about his treatment towards you?
If his treatment is verbally and emotionally abusive then move on. It’s never worth being treated that way and it only teaches your child that’s “normal”.
You only live one life. Value it.
The big problem is that you have developed feelings for someone else. This will cause you to be especially critic al of your husband should he slip. Try to concentrate on the welfare of your child who would do best in an intact family provided both parents are willing to go more than 50 percent of the way needed to preserve the marriage. If that’s not possible … well, draw your own conclusions. Hope things work out for you.
Sheesh leave already… sounds like you already convinced yourself. The child will be fine as long as there isnt any abuse.
Sounds like whatever u were going through really messed with ur psychological well being
Leave if u already developed feelings for someone else then that means ur husband isnt the person for u. Leave n be happy for urself n ur child.
As a child of parents who stayed together because they”didn’t want to raise a child in a broken home” like they had… leave.
For a child to be good they need stability and good exemples as parents, whether they are together or not.
Just staying together and using the child as the excuse is what is going to screw them up. I had to unpack that in therapy but honestly in retrospect I would rather a million time raise a child in two stable homes than one unstable one.
You can’t control what your husband does but if what he cared about was you he would have done the changes a long time ago but look at how he acted when he thought you weren’t going anywhere…He’s not doing this for you and the fact that he did it now shows not that he wants to change, but that he knew what to do, chose not to, until HIS peace of mind was gone. He also didn’t even immediately realize he screwed up, he doubled down first. You’re probably gonna stay in hopes he means it and everything is fixed but I can already tell you how that’s gonna end without being a psychic…
Good luck op.
Read what you wrote you don’t seen that confused. You have to make a choice
All staying will do is teach your child that a dysfunctional relationship is normal.
Please don’t stay “for the sake of the child”. That way madness lies.
My personal opinion is that’s fine if you want to leave but please don’t be one of those that immediately jumps into another relationship. Focus on your child, not bringing a stranger in who may or may not stick around. Focus on yourself for awhile.
You do realise that he will be back to normal as soon as he feels safe of having you back?
No. He hasn’t changed, he’s just doing this for the short term to get you back.
And then he’ll stop.
Think about that. He’s always been CAPABLE of doing the things you need.
He just chose not to.
Leave.. so this for your child. Don’t let them grow up seeing a relationship that isn’t good. You also deserve to be happy and your kid seeing that will show them just that. Feel the fear and do it anyway!!
My mother put up with soooo much abuse from my dad. He also abused me and my sister.
We wanted her to leave, we asked, we begged. She stayed.
The abuse continued until I got started into college. I decided to tell him I would kill him if he touched her again, and he stopped the physical abuse, but not the verbal.
Leave him.. seriously. It messes up your kid more to stay in an abusive situation.
There is no way there is a magic fairytale ending here so you have to think of it as choosing your hard. Staying will be hard and have major consequences for your child. Leaving will be hard too but at least you and your child won’t be in an abusive environment. Neither road is easy. Coming to terms with that might help you move forward.
In my opinion, someone who only changes when threatened with consequences like this can’t be trusted. If they really truly valued how you feel, they’d have worked on it sooner. Once the threat of you leaving goes away, so does their motivation.
You mentioned that you see yourself repeating patterns from your childhood. I’d highly recommend working with a therapist individually on that so you can break the cycle both for yourself and your kid.
I was in an equal situation, everytime i told him i’m really done, he changed. I gave in (dumb naive girl that i was) and obviously he got back to old patters sooner or later.
Just leave now! He wasn’t willing to change when you wanted to get everything in line again, now it’s too late. I wasted 4 years with someone like that, just giving in again and again.
Now i’m in a really happy healthy relationship with someone who i can talk about all the problems, search for a solution and we both work on it.
A whole different world.
Just leave:)
His good intentions will last until he has locked you down again, maybe with a second child, and your potential new partner is out of the picture. Don’t trust him to change, they somehow never do.
Look at him now: the fact that he could change shows you that it just wasn’t important to him before, when it was only impacting you, not him.
OP, I’m in the same situation as you. Leave. He’s only saying these things to keep everything exactly how he wants it, he’s not going to really change. And if he does, it won’t be long term. It’ll be just long enough to drive you crazy though! It’s absolutely not healthy for you or your child. I completely understand how scary it all is though, to take that step. Your child deserves to see happiness, not a parent being taken advantage of or shut down. Staying will just teach your child to stay in an unhealthy relationship when they’ve grown. You don’t want that for them.