I found out about two years ago that my dad was cheating. At first, when I tried telling my mom, she didn’t believe me and thought I was lying. Eventually, I found around 11 videos on his phone of him with two different women. I showed them to her because I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.
Before this, I had asked my mom how she would feel if she ever found out, and she said she wouldn’t be too surprised since she hasn’t been able to be intimate with him after her brain surgery years ago. She said she’d be a little down about it but wouldn’t take it too hard, especially because he had always been there for her and taken care of her. But when I finally showed her the videos, she was shocked. She said, “Wow, I can’t believe he’d do this.”
Later, when we were in the car, I asked if she talked to him. She started crying and said she never thought he’d betray her like that, that he had failed her, and that she didn’t want him living in the house for a while.
I apologized for bringing it up, but she told me it wasn’t my fault. Still, I can’t shake the feeling that I ruined everything by telling her. Part of me wishes I had stayed quiet, even though I know keeping something like that to myself would’ve been really heavy. I don’t know if I did the right thing. Did I make things worse by speaking up?
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Carrying a truth like that alone wouldve hurt you even more its not your fault your heart wasc in the right place and your mom even said so healing may take time but its starts with honesty gentle with yourself you were brave
Your mom deserves to know and what she decides to do with that information is her choice. This is just about your parents and THEIR actions, whether you told her or not didn’t change what he did. So don’t feel guilty.
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OP, the truth of this happening should not be on your shoulders alone.
What your dad die was foul, but you showed your mom the truth. You did right by her, and you picked the correct side by telling. If you had hidden it, and she would’ve found out herself, then that may have hurt you more than flat out telling her.
Listen to your mom. This is not your fault.
My exes dad confided in me when the two of us went for drinks (and had more than we should’ve) that he’d been cheating on his wife… Begged me not to tell anyone, including my ex. It was an awful situation to put me in and I did end up telling my ex. She told her mum and her mum then told us both she wished we hadn’t told her as he was much happier and she was since the affair. As soon as she knew 100% he was cheating she couldn’t turn a blind eye anymore and the relationship broke down.
I still feel she deserved to know but I think sometimes it’s best staying out of other people’s business. Although there’s literally no winning in this situation as I’m sure if I or you never said anything, if the truth did ever come out and they found out you knew and didn’t say anything, that’s a huge betrayal. Ethically you did the right thing and in the future she will be happy you were looking out for her.
OP you did the right thing. You did it out of love and respect for your mother. She had the right to know. Now she has her agency to decide what to do with that information. You are someone who is courageous and did the right thing even if it was the painful thing. I’m sure your mother admires that sensitivity and in you.
damn this is rough but you 100% did the right thing. I went through something similar with my parents and keeping that secret was eating me alive – cant imagine how heavy that mustve been for 2 years. Your mom deserved to know the truth even if it hurts, and honestly she probably knew deep down something was up anyway. The fact that she said your dad “failed her” shows she gets that this is on HIM not you. You were just the messenger of truth that was already there
This was never your burden to carry. You did nothing wrong. The only one who messed up, ruined things, etc, is your dad. Im sorry you had to be the one to tell her.
While your parents marriage isn’t your responsibility, it definitely would have been wrong for you to hide it from your mom. You did the right thing, even though it was hard. I sure as hell hope I am raising my child to be strong enough to face hard truths. Your mom must be grateful to you, even though it may not seem like it right now. I hope she leaves your dad and both of them can go their own ways and be happy.
Your mom is lucky to have you.
Outta love for your mom I see why your told her as to not carry that burden but also realizing it’s not yours to carry or even care. The saying “ not my monkey~not my circus”. Might have come in as it really still was not your marriage to get in the middle of. Some people don’t want others to take off their rose coloured glasses.
You had to make such a hard decision, but your mother is glad that you told her. Please don’t feel guilty about what you did because your mother now has her suspicions confirmed. You. did the right thing.
You didn’t mention how your father is handling the truth or what your mother plans to do. Continue to support you mother who’s been through serious heath problems and now had to cope with the loss of her marriage.
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Dads fault. Not yours. Don’t beat yourself up about it.
Did you ever even talk to your dad about it?
If a man and his wife don’t have intimacy anymore it’s natural for one of them (or both) to find something else but keeping videos of your cheating in the phone is wild
Your parents are clearly putting you in the parent role. Your mom sounds unhinged. She shouldn’t be talking to you about this
Your dad is the one that hurt her, not you. Most people would want to know if they’re being cheated on
You did the right thing.
It would have been bad for you to be an accomplice of your father who is the one who is betraying you because your mother was going to find out sooner or later.
If she doesn’t blame you that’s okay because she has someone to trust and lean on.
Just like you have someone to lean on
The only person who is wrong there is your father
My mom cheated on my dad for several years in the 1970s. I am sure he knew in his heart, but he kept going as if everything was fine and so did she. She told me all about it and I was very uncomfortable knowing the truth, but I chose not to say anything. And then she was abruptly dumped by the side and came back fully to my dad, heartbroken. He picked her back up and they stayed together until he died ten years ago. For some people they can move past the pain (and the side dude was never going to marry my mom) and go on to build something much stronger.
Hey, if I was conscious enough to know what my dad was doing at the time (I was only 8), I would’ve told my mom too.
If you are looking for advice, I would recommend that you talk to the cheater first in the future. Now your mother has to deal with her declining health, insecurity, and a cheater.
Everyone is different but I would want to know the truth. Just love and support your mom as best you can, I don’t think you did anything wrong. Im sorry you and your mom are going through this!
Did the right thing regardless of the outcome.
99% of the time, you should out cheaters to help the betrayed.
However, in this case your mom can’t be intimate with the poor guy. What’s he supposed to do?
He still takes care of her and provides for her, I feel like this could be the 1% of times maybe look the other way.
You did the right thing. Even though painful to learn, it is the truth.
You did amazing, I wish I’d had your courage when I was younger! Do you know what happened? I bottled up my feeelings and told myself I was being brave for holding this for my family. In 2020 my father died and a couple of years later I told my mom as I thought she had healed enough to hear it. SHE SAID SJHE HAD KNOWN ALL THAT TIME so I battered my heart for nothing.
From where you are, everyone can heal. It might take some time, but every death is a new beginning. I’m proud of you!!
Wow, what a dick move on your part OP.
You asked, she told you she would probably let it go for reasons that are none of your fucking business then you shove it in her face.
SHAME ON YOU
It’s not your fault. Honestly, the truth does set us free. Over time, things will be better. Support your mom, but at the same time, dont be too angry or tormented about your father’s poor choices. Cheating is hurtful, but nobody is perfect. People are infallable, weak and make bad decisions. .
On some level she would have known and up until you showed her the evidence she was still able to convince herself otherwise. Don’t feel bad for being honest about it, you just confirmed what she already knew. Your Mum knows you did it out of love and royalty. I would be tempted to let the two women know about each other and really rain on his parade.
Another kid that put his nose where it didn’t belonged. So let me ask you, what did you achieved now? That wasn’t your secret and it wasn’t your job to reveal it! People, just learn not to search other people’s phones and not learn things you shouldn’t known in the first place.
I don’t think you had any good options once you found out.
Staying quiet would have been betraying your mother. You did the right thing.
Your Dad, cheating with multiple women on your Mom, is who has made things worse. It’s unfortunate that it was you that discovered what he was doing but even though there is fallout from you telling your Mom the truth, the burden of the truth should have never been on you in the first place. I am sorry that you and your mom now know an unsavory truth about your dad.
You did the brave and honest thing by speaking up. Protecting someone you love from betrayal is never wrong. It’s normal to feel guilt when truth causes pain, but that pain isn’t your fault; it’s the result of your dad’s actions. Your mom needed to know, and now she has the chance to make decisions for herself with clarity. Healing takes time, but your honesty shows strength, love, and loyalty. You didn’t ruin anything; you gave her truth, and that’s a gift, even if it hurts at first.
NOT YOUR BUSINESS YOU DAMN BUSY BODY
It is hard call to make especially if your mom’s surgery has left her dependent on your father. I don’t know how vulnerable she is both physically and emotionally compared to before she had brain surgery. But I hope you took it into account when sharing.
Not everyone wants to know their spouse is cheating, but they deserve a choice in being told. I think that might have been the key thing —did you actively give your mom the choice if she wanted to know or wanted to see. Yes, she deserves the truth but it also now went from eating you up inside to now eating your mom up inside. So the big question now is SHE better off now knowing this? Has it made it harder for her to live and manage post brain surgery? Is she fit enough to take whatever steps she needs to, whatever that is for her?
Did you know about your mother’s inability to have sex? From your father’s perspective, his wife cannot have sex with him, so he either remains celibate or discreetly finds it elsewhere.
If you didn’t know, I understand why you told her. If you did, then I’d say you shouldn’t have done it.
Your parents CLEARLY had an unspoken agreement. However, you were determined to “out” your father irregardless of the harm you might cause.
Your mum already knew. You pried and pried until you found out the “truth
You are callow, insensitive, and hypocritical, imposing your moral views on your parents who’ve had enough to deal with already. You are unkind.
I think you should have left it alone. Things get complicated, like his need for sex, but he still loves your Mom and knew she needs him. Wow. Sometimes let adults live their lives, and you live yours. The relationships outside the marriage seemed to not be affecting status quo at home. Live and let live.
“Made things worse” is a loaded statement.
It’s abusive behavior to have a secret compartmentalized sexual life in a relationship, and it is harmful to a person even if they aren’t aware of it.
Your mom may experience betrayal trauma because she now knows the cheating occurred. This unfortunately is one of the consequences of cheating that harms the betrayed partner.
Your parent’s relationship might not survive your dad’s infidelity.
Two things are true:
your father and him alone has damaged his relationship with your mom and practiced abusive behavior by having a secret compartmentalized sexual life
knowing the truth is health promoting
This will be an extremely difficult time for your family. You all may need to seek professional help to get through this and heal. But healing and a healthy life is possible and more likely because your mom knows the truth. You absolutely did the right thing by telling your mom the truth, and your father was wrong to keep his affairs secret. That doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, but the reality is that his actions and secret keeping are what has caused the hurt, pain, and harm, not your revelation of the truth.
Please be kind and compassionate with yourself during this time. You aren’t responsible for your father’s actions
Op you’re in the right and long run your mother will thank you. Your father needs to reevaluate his life
Unpopular opinion here, but humans need intimacy. Living with someone who is your best friend in all respects, but who is unable or unwilling to give you intimacy, can be very lonely and wear a person down.
I don’t think you did the wrong thing by telling your mom, but please don’t judge your dad too harshly. The fact that he did this doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you both. Additionally, please don’t judge your mom if she decides to stay with him.
nah you didn’t ruin anything, your dad did. you just showed your mom the truth she deserved to know. yeah it hurts her now, but living in the dark would’ve been way worse long term. you didn’t break their marriage — you just pulled the curtain back
She’s opening up to you because she trust you. She needs the support so keep being there for her, it’s ok to ask these questions. It will help her process knowing you’re there for her.
Is it your fault? No. It’s your dad’s. Simply put, if he hadn’t cheated, with two women no less, this situation wouldn’t exist.
Mind your business, you don’t know everything
Hi OP, this must be very hard for you, I’m sorry you are going through this.
You did handle it tactfully: you even asked her how she would feel beforehand. She might have been putting up a brave face for your sake (and her own), but still.
Trust her words, she told you it wasn’t your fault. You are not the one that has done the actions that hurt her. She seems hurt because of what your dad did, not because of you.
As many of the comments mentioned: A lot of people in her position would want to know the truth too. If it wasn’t now, if it wasn’t through you, the truth might have come out one way or the other anyway.
I don’t think you made things worse. From her reaction, I think she would have rather known, than not known. Your father made it worse when he cheated. You gave your mom the opportunity to tell you if she truly didn’t want to know, it’s just that finding out your partner cheated is always going to be hard.
Getting everything out in the open is the only way to actually heal and make progress.
It happened to me and I didn’t tell you. It was the best thing I did. It’s not my problem, I can’t solve it, I didn’t interfere in my parents’ lives.
Ok I’ll play devils advocate you snitched on your dad and fucked up two to four people’s lives cause you were a snoop that should have just minded your own business this man you snitched on raised you fed you and housed you and for sake of argument I’ll assume he loved you
Yes what your dad did was wrong but that was his cross to bare and not an open invitation for you to blow up his life at very minimum you should have e had a conversation with him and given him a chance to correct his way
Woudnt you wanna know i would