I’m scheduled for laparoscopic surgery in August for stage 4 endometriosis and a giant fibroid (11 cm). I’ve been quietly dealing with extreme pain, bloating, and exhaustion for years — This surgery is medically necessary, and I’ll need two weeks of bedrest followed by a work-from-home phase while I recover.
Today I met with my two male bosses to talk about coverage and timelines. I wanted to explain that the procedure could vary in intensity depending on what they find — because with endo, you don’t always know how bad it is until they’re in there.
I also really wanted them to understand what I’m going through and maybe have sympathy.
So I explained, in the most professional and factual way I could, that “endometriosis is when tissue similar to the uterine lining grows outside the uterus, and in severe cases, it can fuse other organs together.”
One of my bosses literally made a face and like smirked? and said, “I do not need all that information… but okay.”
I felt like I’d just said something super inappropriate. I def turned bright red. I’ve been second-guessing everything I said, wondering if I crossed some invisible line by saying the words “uterine lining.”
For the record: I wasn’t graphic. I wasn’t emotional. I was just trying to give them context so I wouldn’t sound “dramatic” for needing time off.
My other boss was incredibly kind. He listened, asked smart questions, and later told me he googled the stages of endo to better understand it.
I know I shouldn’t be ashamed. I know his discomfort is his own issue. But I still feel awful — embarrassed, dismissed, and humiliated for being honest about something that’s been wrecking my life.
Just needed to vent to people who might get it. Thanks for reading.
Comments
NAH
>I do not need all that information
He was right. All they need to know is that you’ll be out, and for how long.
NTA. Sorry that he smirked. But yeah unless you have a good relationship with your boss, all he needs to know is you’ll be undergoing medically necessary surgery and you’ll be out recovering for two weeks.
None of this was their business. You take time off. You don’t need to describe in detail any reason why. YTA
NTA. You were prepared to face what almost every woman faces when dealing with people who do not have any experience with your condition. It’s a “woman thing” that is constantly dismissed and minimalized. I have had to be very detailed to make those who don’t have endo understand that it’s not “just cramps,” and that includes dealing with doctors about it.
You were making your bosses aware of what was happening with your health and why you’d need time and grace to heal afterward. If one of them got squeamish over a “woman thing” that’s on them, not you.
I wish you all the luck and health going forward.
NAH, we’ve all been in a situation where we’ve shared more info than necessary to explain our position, so it’s not a big deal. Nothing you said was crazy or out of bounds, but I understand your boss not wanting all that info.
It’s not a big deal at all, OP. You’re overthinking it because you’re embarrassed, but that won’t last forever lol. Hope your surgery goes well!
NAH. I’d have been embarrassed if I’d heard that, too, I’m quite horrified and no I’ve never heard of that condition. It wouldn’t have lasted long. Your first boss is of only average skill in this area. Some people are natural at making people feel at ease, and some have to work hard to make sure they don’t make a mistake and treat you unfairly.
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who tells their boss only strictly need to know information about their private matters. Sometimes it is necessary to take risks based on your own judgment alone. As long as you broke no rules, taking initiative is no crime. You can choose to share more information than you need to. You’d have done platinum if had given a trigger warning before that you are going go outside the norm to make a medical disclosure.
(Edit:) My mother once had a situation where she had to explain what on earth was going on when she had to have surgery on a hernia or something right before her first week of work, something very minor, very embarrassing, that would make her not at all disabled but a little different for a while. I told her a way to explain it vaguely. She chose to disclose and it went over fine.
Damn, that’s rough. Anyone making you feel like talking abt a real, serious health issue is TMI, needs to grow the hell up. No one should feel ashamed for having endo or being candid abt it. I’m sorry u had to deal with that BS, but don’t let it stop you from taking care of yourself. Power through, sis! 💪💪 U got this!! Remember, your health is more important than their comfort zone. Stay strong!
NTA. I had a similar experience with a female boss, who I had assumed would be understanding. Don’t take it personally, and don’t try to find empathy in your professional colleagues.
Soft YTA only because some people are squeamish about medical issues.
When my coworker was going through ovarian cancer treatment, she had the gnarliest descriptions of stuff going on with her body. I begged her multiple times not to go into details, but she won’t stop over sharing.
NTA. You are sick. You have the right to discuss this and expect your employers to listen with compassion and consideration. You deserve that. AND as a woman who faced a similar situation and then heard that my bosses thought it was made up and exaggerated, I absolutely understand why providing more information was necessary. It’s insane we live in a world where something that impacts so many of us is ignored. Good luck to you.
Males really hate it when you remind them they’re not the only ones with needs
I think this is a very soft YTA. The truth is that your employers do not need to know your intimate medical details. Most people who are not close to you probably are not comfortable receiving that type of information and it probably caught them a little off guard.
Simply telling them you’re having a medical procedure that has a recovery time of an estimate estimated whatever is sufficient. offer up a doctors note if they ever seem skeptical.
I’m sorry that you’re suffering from the illness that you are though and I hope that your procedure provide you with some relief. My sister suffered with Endo for many years and it was very difficult on her.
Certainly NTA. Many (most?) men are uncomfortable talking about lady parts. Additionally, many people are squeamish about medical procedures of any kind. I think your colleague was trying to lighten the mood and ended up making things awkward. It probably won’t make you feel any better, but you have nothing to be embarrassed about.
Dude, seriously, fk that guy. Nothing u said was outta line or TMI. It’s literal health shit you’re dealing with, not some FM!! Stand ur ground. You did nothing wrong. U’re just being real about your situation. 100% on you, ur other boss is the MVP! We got ur back, sis. 💪 Take care of urself first. The rest is just noise.👊💯
It takes all kinds. He was rude but I wouldn’t let it bother me. Your medical information is none of their business. I wouldn’t let seek sympathy elsewhere, though. As a rule, men aren’t generally responsive to women’s issues.
NTA. My wife got a hysterectomy and an excision of endo, and it changed her life. She feels amazing now and I hope you will soon too.
you do not need to explain anything. its medical, you will likely have doctors note or can get one.
all you need to say is “i have this, its medical, heres the doctors information, this is how long i’m going to be out for, this is my plan for the work’ thats it.
anything beyond that is not really relevant, and depending on where in the world you are, they can’t ask for it either.
as for for your boss’s face/reaction – don’t over thinking it. he’s probably reacting to something he’s unfamiliar and uncomfortable with, and his point ‘I do not need all that information’ is relevant. you over shared, with good but unnecessary intention. it’ll be forgotten after you come back and some time has passed.
NTA.
NTA
BOSS 1 is the kinda boss you wonder how they made it to the top
BOSS 2 is the kinda boss you hope you can continue having in any proceeding job to come
You did the right thing here. boss 1 is just incredibly immature
NTA, they needed to understand the severity of why youd be out and the possibility that youd be out longer.
There’s no perfect way to say it. Most men don’t understand women’s cycles beyond “blood out of hole”, you didnt do anything wrong.
YTA
Explaining your condition…. To, it seemed, two males….
They are not your friends
Your work relationship most likely will change because you could not navigate social norms
NTA but those details aren’t their business, nor are they allowed to ask since it’s your private health information (if you’re in the U.S.). You can convey the impact without giving the specifics. Something like:
”I‘m in need of some serious surgery and it’s the kind of situation where they don’t know how bad it is until they get in there. The condition has caused me a lot of pain and discomfort and if not addressed it can become dire. According to the doctor, the best case scenario is I’ll need x time away and x time working remote. Worse case scenario will be xyz. I‘ll keep you updated as things develop.”
Your boss mainly cares about how long they have to cover for you. It doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, but this is your employer and not your parent.
People can get squeamish about medical procedures but also hearing personal information. Just take it as a lesson learned and go get healthy. Don’t be embarrassed, you have bigger concerns right now and need to give yourself care and grace.
NTA. No way, no how. In emotionally stressful situations, it’s not uncommon for our mouths to get slightly ahead of our outgoing verbal filter. So maybe, given a chance to do it over, you wouldn’t say that. But in no way are you the AH.
I’m an OB/GYN, so I know what you’re facing. Good luck to you. You’re going to be so happy once it’s all over!
Whenever I feel embarrassed about something, I always ask myself if what I said/did would matter in 5 years. The answer is usually no. Also people usually forget things by the time a week passes by anyway. Don’t beat yourself up! He’ll most likely have long forgotten by the time you return.
Good luck on your surgery OP! I had a huge chocolate cyst from endo that was taking up my entire abdomen, stemming from my right ovary. The stupid male ER doctor told me that he and everyone else there had never seen anything like it, and that it was cancer!!
So for two months, I did nothing but lay in the dark and drink and cry because I couldn’t go through that. I contemplated so many times ending it all because I was already so depressed and weak. This moron discharged me with ovarian cancer paperwork. A laparotomy and a biopsy 2+ months later showed it wasn’t cancer. 5 years later that idiot still lives in my head rent free occasionally.
Wishing you the best in your recovery.
I don’t want to call you an AH, but this was massive over sharing and unprofessional. Your employer does not need to know about your medical procedures.
NAH
He’s right that he didn’t need that information – you are out having planned surgery – expected recovery is 2 weeks then work from home, if there are complications that may change
However it is YOUR medical information and if you wanted to share it you are entitled to
NTA. Ok, you have one boss who is kind and understanding. You have another boss who is immature, thoughtless and rude. However, this is really TMI. Just call it a medically necessary surgery and how much recovery time you will need.
I’m sorry that you feel embarrassed, dismissed, and humiliated. It’s understandable and most of us have felt that at some point in time.
In the work place, medical information is private and not shared. You had no way of knowing, but in the work place this would be considered over sharing. (I suspect your boss being a male felt very uncomfortable hearing about such intimate and personal information, and hence why he acted inappropriately).
In the future, all you need to do is inform your boss as to what your doctor has recommended/told you to do, and your boss is obligated to abide by that. He can request that you present a medical certificate, that your doctor/surgeon would be happy to supply.
PLEASE don’t vote me down if you disagree as I have provided you with HR information and not my opinion.
You did overshare, but there’s nothing you can do about it now so don’t dwell on it. You’re going through enough already! Doesn’t make you an AH.
Imagine how you might feel though if a male subordinate came to you about his need for medical leave, and described a problem he was having with his penis and testicles. I think it might make you uncomfortable. Some things just don’t need to be specified.
NAH
He was right. You volunteered very personal info and probably made him uncomfortable.
The only time you should go into that much detail is if they are pushing back on the required leave.
Which they shouldn’t do, since this is a medical condition and you have all the paperwork for that.
Just remember that just because you want to share doesn’t mean everyone wants to hear the details.
NAH. This is one of those knowing your audience situations. Menopause has given me some horrific period related issues. My boss is great; he is kind, fair, reasonable and knows I am a hard worker. He would also be deeply uncomfortable if I called in and said I can’t come in because of period horror story details. I just say I am not feeling well and he accepts that without question. I am actually quite comfortable talking about it but not everyone wants to hear it and that is okay. I don’t think your boss was being mean or mocking you; he was just telling you he believes you when you say you are sick and would rather not have the details. You don’t need to be embarressed or ashamed.
I didnt read the post, I don’t think I need to.
Your boss has zero right to know about your personal medical issues.
You made the fatal mistake of referring to your uterus in front of a male and it made him feel icky.
NTA. It’s not your fault this man has an issue – as evidenced by the mature and sympathetic way your other boss reacted. He’s a man baby who probably throws a fit if his wife asks him to pick up tampons.
Good luck with your surgery. Try to wipe your mind of this experience.
Why do so many people say it is “intimate” medical details? This isn’t intimate.
It is a totally normal procedure and anyone who knows women should be nonchalant about someone saying surgery for endometriosis.
OP, NTA. But it is ok to not share and just say medical procedure and they won’t know how bad it is until they complete the surgery. Even if it feels weird and people think you have cancer, it is generally better to be vague.
This is painful and horrible. No need to be embarrassed. The guy is a jerk and has no empathy. Glad to hear the other guy was human and normal about it.
NTA and I’m appalled by reactions here. Endometriosis is a chronical, painful health issue and awareness should be spread about it because 1 woman in 10 is affected.
It shouldn’t be taboo to tell at your work how awful you feel, that you need a heavy surgery and I disagree, you’re not being graphic by explaining things in general. Like it’s about lady’s parts, where’s the shame? You didn’t choose to have it!
I’m from Europe and I think there is generally a more comprehensive approach to health issues at work. Where I live, if you’re a civil servant, you can have PTO every month if you have endo, for example.
You can’t pretend it stops the minute you set foot at work and that it’s your problem only. Your boss should be ashamed to treat you this bad.
All you needed to tell them was “I’m having surgery on x date, I will be recovering for y amount afterwards and will be working from home for z amount”
I once worked for a small company, no HR, and a female coworker sometimes took sick days bc her periods were painful. The owner was a male chauvinist so she would describe symptoms in lurid detail to him. “And beside cramps, I get these huuuge clots…”. It terrified him, which was hilarious.
You have one sympathetic boss and one rude boss. Not your fault. You gave them information, and one of them decided to be a dick about it—he was probably embarrassed too, because LADYBITS! This is childish. I hope your operation goes well.