I honestly don’t feel 40. In my head, I still feel like I’m in my mid-twenties. I’ve got expectations on me now at this age that I really don’t want to have, and I really only subscribe to the stereotypes others want me to fill when I absolutely have no choice.
What does bother me though is that I’m realizing now at this age that I am completely unimportant and disposable to everyone.
I’ve never really been that important of a person to anyone. I can be easily replaced at work. I’m seemingly never anyone’s first choice to hang out with. People always choose boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses over me. No one ever messages or calls me just to check in on me, only if they need something. When I am in a public place, it seems like I’m invisible to everyone. Whenever I try to show someone kindness or loyalty, it’s never really returned.
Really a lot of the times it feels like I’m taken advantage of Like I’m trying to bring positivity or meaning to others, but nothing is ever returned. I’m truly not that important to anyone really.
For once in my life, I’d like to know what it’s like for people to smile when I walk into a room. To be on someone’s mind to just invite out after work. To just get a message asking me how I’m doing. It seems like everyone relies on me to be the person who can do something for them but when I need anything at all, everyone’s suddenly busy or is doing something with someone else.
Now that I’m aging into irrelevance and even less importance, the milestone of turning 40 is a reminder that it isn’t going to get any better.
I wish I knew how to change things. Does anyone know how?
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Most people your age are probably pretty busy. They’re not avoiding you. They don’t dislike you. They simply have other things going on in life. I mean relationships are where most people find this feeling of belonging. It’s definitely a place where I know I’m put first. Maybe try dating or find other single friends to hangout with.
You’ve settled for being invisible for 40 years but you still have 40 years left. If friends don’t reach out, why do you?
Let them drift away and make new ones.
If people don’t notice you, give them a reason to notice. A new haircut? A new wardrobe?
Everything you’ve listed is of your own making and that’s the real tragedy. You decide what you tolerate in your life. Nobody else.
I don’t know what you do for work but if you truly feel it’s accurate to assess the situation as being f that everyone you know is indifferent to you, then it my recommendation that you refocus your attention past social interaction.
I know it’s tough to hear but people don’t become magnetic to people through people pleasing, doing things for them or trying to grab their attention.
You do it by being so singularly focused on your purpose and passion that the attention follows.
Great composers, filmmakers, entrepreneurs, businessmen, writers and thought leaders don’t have to fight or beg or hope for anybody’s attention. It is given to them on the mere basis of who they are and how interesting they are and how beneficial it is to simply be around them.
It’s not to say you have to be famous. But I would say get jacked, get into how you want to impact the world and stop wasting time with people who don’t appreciate you.
Find the people who appreciate you for who you are by spending so much time being who you want to be that those people can’t help but find you.
40 isn’t the end. Everyday is a new beginning.
I’m 53. Company got bought by equity and eliminated everyone’s jobs so we all had to move on. All of my friends were work friends, and since I left, only one ever calls me, but maybe once or twice a year. At least there’s one.
But I think what I have found is that all the things that seemed important when I was younger were really just manifestations of what were told is important, and essentially an extension of high school- who has the cool car, who has the big house, who has the pretty girlfriend, etc. I started my own business, one that has me spending most days by myself; and I’ve found a lot of peace in REALLY not caring what anyone else thinks. We’re all responsible for our own happiness, and while it sounds horribly cliché, that comes from within. I enjoy seeing some of my long time friends (even the ones who are all caught up in their own rat race and never call) but I don’t miss ‘em the other 98% of the time.
Don’t know where I’m going with this (sorry- no eye opening wisdom here) but I’d say do what makes you happy, and if your friends aren’t reaching out, maybe just enjoy the silence. There’s also the possibility that they feel the same way you do, though. Back to that high school analogy, back then we all thought everyone was paying attention to us (remember zits?) and in reality they were all caught up in themselves and thinking everyone was looking at THEM. At 40, many are still in that mindset. They probably get a little endorphin rush when you call THEM.
We’ve also found a way to amuse ourselves 12 hours a day with handheld computers that we carry everywhere. I’d bet that many of my friends don’t call me because they don’t call ANYONE. They work and work and work, and then sit at home staring at a screen.
Right now I’m sitting with my dog. If he had a phone, he would literally call me 15 seconds after I left the house, and when I get home, I get a hero’s welcome. Maybe get a dog?
There. That probably doesn’t help one bit. But I can tell you you’re not alone. Good luck out there. 🙂
I can’t speak for everyone in your life…but I’m married with kids, career, all that. I’m often just so busy, social aspects of my life take a back burner.
I’m older than you, and I’ve been making the effort to reach out to friends more often. Just texts, quick catch ups, occasionally I hang out with people who are part of an organization I’m in. But I genuinely like my friends, it’s my social life that takes less priority.
That said…if anyone called me needing help, I’d show up.
Welcome to being an adult and realizing you are not the center of the universe.
the best advice I ever got was to stop doing things for people who don’t reciprocate. It’s not about being petty, it’s about valuing your own time and energy. It sucks to feel used, so maybe it’s time to set some boundaries. Start saying no to things that don’t serve you and yes to things that make you happy. You’re not irrelevant, you’re just not surrounded by the right people. Maybe your 40s is the time to find your real squad.
You have to understand that everyone else is the main character of his (/her) own story. You need to focus on yourself and fulfilling your own needs. Try working on hobbies and just be open to finding friends and you’ll get there some day. Everyone else is busy. It takes some patience but you’ll find people and make friends if you put yourself out there
it is a rare trait to have the willingness and ability to extend oneself to enact kindness and show compassion to others or to show up emotionally and practically for others when the going gets tough. It typically is not directly reciprocal as in: I show up for person A then someday person A shows up for me. My advice is to keep spreading sunshine, because the world needs it more than you may know. You are making a difference. Don’t get used, but don’t shut down. Put on you own oxygen mask and keep it on, then feel free to help others with theirs.
You are on your path to realizing that this is true for almost everyone. When you think about it, of the 8 billion people in the world, almost all of them are completely irrelevant to you.
There are some people that you know where a few out of the 8 billion have relationships with a little bit more depth, but otherwise they are also completely alone.
Now you can take this as an advantage. You are free to develop and grow without any constraints or commitments to other people. If, while during your growth phase, other people should notice and want to understand you more, you can let them into your circle.
In short, now you know that you are completely free and you can do what you want.
Therapy.
Never to late to start writing your own story and break free from the others…
I was real cranky turning 40. 68 now, and 40 has always been my worse.
My social life exploded a little after I turned 40. I now have fun things to do several times a week. Lots of peope are glad to see me coming.
What happened, you may ask? I will tell you.
I got my mind OFF of “asking people to hang out”, or “getting invited”. I got my mind ON TO, “What various stuff around town can I participate in regularly, to show that I am a good guy?”
That is right, I got my mind off of “myself”. I did not, however, do what those silly books about how to make friends say, and get to focus “on to other people”, doing dumb conversation gambits like “how long have you been in town?” and “what is your favorite place to vacation?”. I got my focus ON TO, 1) what mutually enjoyable things, can 2) we find to do? That is right: In the long run, if you want to build good and friendly relationships with people, coming on neither too strongly nor too weakly, what is IMPORTANT, is to spend 80% of your time around people, showing that you are a good guy by participating and cooperating. IF you do that, THEN you will find that it feels natural to spend the remaining 20% of your time around each other kicking back, having a beer, shooting the breeze, whatever.
I recommend searching in your town for stuff like: Pickleball, bocce, pétanque, book club, silent book club, paint & pour, philosophy discussion group, pickup basketball, foreign language conversation circle, ultimate frisbee, D&D, Settlers of Catan, Carcassonne, Wingspan, cryptography challenges, soccer, croquet, Yu-Gi-Oh, pub trivia, bingo, ping pong, quilting circle, karaoke, hiking, community volunteer activity, Magic The Gathering, movie & dinner club, puzzle competition, bowling, camping, murder mystery party, kayaking, scrabble club, backgammon, walking club, Go (either the pokemon one, or the classic Chinese one ha ha), Mahjong, volleyball, board game day, stitch & bitch, roller derby, chess club, crochet circle, improv comedy, open mic night, crafting event, rock climbing, whatever.
In any case, find a couple of activities that involve other people, and that you would enjoy. If you do not know anything about those activities, take some time up front to educate yourself about them so that when you do show up, you basically can keep up (and everyone was new at one time, right?).
Keep your focus ON THE ACTIVITY AT hand, participating and cooperating consistently. IF you do that, THEN you will notice that people want to hang around you more, and more… and more!
Again, I went from having next to no social life, to having a very active social life. The above is what I did. If I can do it, you can too 🙂
This is just the usual shit people feel when they turn 40 like what’s the point? Learn to do things for yourself and love yourself for it and you’ll get over this feeling – for example go on vacation by yourself to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go
You are the point. Do what makes you happy. Do what makes you healthy. If you’re lonely seek company. If you’re listless seek purpose. Look around you right now and I bet you’ll find at least one pleasant thing – a bird singing, maybe you really like the shirt you’re wearing, maybe you had a good cup of coffee this morning, whatever. The world is full of beauty and the nice thing is that you get to decide what to focus your attention on.
There’s a good chance you got at least another 40 to go.
Make yourself immortal.
If you’re into writing expand what you wrote here into a short story or 3.
What you posted is relevant and well stated now let the tens of millions of people like you know that they’re not alone.
“People always choose boyfriends, girlfriends or spouses over me.”
You have to realize this is completely normal. It’s not a reflection of you or your character. That’s how romantic relationships / domestic partnerships work. You are supposed to prioritize your partner (and family) over your friends and, in fact, it would be strange if you didn’t. It’s likely not even a conscious decision your friends are making. They aren’t thinking about you and how little you mean to them. It doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
It sounds like you’re lonely. If you want to change things, my suggestion would be to be intentional about making new friends, with a focus on other single people, or to join some dating sites and try to meet a partner of your own. You have to realize, as lonely as you may feel or as socially awkward as you may be, there are other people out there who feel exactly like you do. They also crave companionship. They also want to be someone else’s #1 person. They also want to feel like the warmth of someone else’s kindness. They are out there. You just have to put in the work to find them. It’s worth the effort, as it will improve your life immensely.
Honestly, it’s awesome that you’re asking these questions, but this isn’t the place you’ll find answers or connection. If you can, try to find a therapist – it really helps. If you can’t, try to be vulnerable with someone (preferable same gender/not a romantic situation) – share that you feel lonely/ share what you’ve shared here but in-person. If you stay open, people will respond. Also – to be honest, you may be guilty of the thing ppl are doing to you and not seeing the people who will show up. Often the best people are “losers” make friends with some of them.
Imagine only doing the right thing so you get something in return….
OK, you don’t feel valuable. you’re feelings of worth must come from within. You cannot look for validation from others. Please find a therapist talk through your feelings of worthlessness and then develop interests and activities that you can excel at whether it involves art music reading and even other people. Again, developing your inner life and your exterior life to satisfy your own soul is the way to go not looking for what you can get from others