I used to be too reactionary, so I made myself too detached in return

r/

My ex was emotional manipulative and abusive. Every single thing would be turned against me. I said hi to my sister, now I’m plotting to run away with her and disappear from his life. I said I don’t like something, it’s obvious a slight against him personally. He violated my privacy to the absolute max. He even read my emails from years before we’d even met.

Every single thing he did was meant to get some type of reaction from me. Cries, arguments, etc. so I started shutting down. The very last straw was when I was a month post partum and was absolutely suffering from sleep deprivation and post partum depression. I checked his phone because he was more attached to it than usual.

And there. On Instagram. He was messaging a woman he told me all these negative things about. Heart eyes and “you’re so sexy” and “I can’t wait to f-ck you.” Details on what he wanted her to do to him. Like he was going to. That was the last time I cried.

I went stone cold. There was no reactions to anything and it made him so angry. He would go further and further to get something out of me and nothing worked. I snipped any connection I had to genuine feelings.

I’ve been away from him for three years now. I can’t find the real reconnect. I’ve managed to find a way to react to things, but I’m sarcastic and quick-witted, not heartfelt. It takes me days to process feelings and to have some sort of reaction and I don’t know how to fix it.

Comments

  1. avid-learner-bot Avatar

    It’s… strange how sometimes, even when you consciously try to feel something, it’d seem like a protective wall just stays put. I wonder if, perhaps, trying to force those feelings might actually make it harder, and I’m curious if anyone else has experienced something similar, like, how do you… let things flow again without triggering all the old pain?

  2. linna_nitza Avatar

    I had a very similar experience with my ex. They meant everything to me even though they treated me like crap, manipulated relations out of me, and isolated me from family and friends. It’s been 7 years since I left and I’m still relearning how to allow my feeling to show again. I used to be so kind and generous to everyone and now I don’t feel like I can trust anybody. I don’t have authentic relationships with my family anymore. I don’t have any friends.

    I learned later on that I’m neurodivergent and that explained a lot of why I always felt different growing up and why no one could really understand me. Then my ex came along and made me feel the most seen and heard I ever have. I fell so hard. Even though they made me feel all the love I was missing, they also broke me.

    I’m with you, sister. I’m so sorry people can be such awful dirtbags. At least, we are free, and we can work on finding ourselves again.

    Mindful self compassion workbook by Kristin Neff helped me address feelings of shame and inadequacy, which I feel a while lot of these days. I still do some exercises to help me stay grounded in reality while feeling my feelings.

  3. Fickle_Location_1379 Avatar

    Try to be yourself again. Remember who you were, and stop yourself when you think things you wouldn’t.

    Being with a manipulator is like being walked through a maze. Everything they say and do leads you further in… It will take time to get back out!

    Remember what made you feel good about FEELING. Sit with yourself, study your feelings. You’ve been stifling them but they are there, waiting to be felt. In your writing I feel pain and anger, which are probably drowning out the positivity you naturally have.

    I spend a lot of time walking alone, looking at flowers, birds, watching people. I try to see their emotions and their wants, and feel through them. That way I can stop when it’s too much. 

    I have a “The Book of Myself”, early answers in it are short but I’ve opened up as time goes on, studying myself and my feelings about the past.

    I hope this helps. Just remember that he didn’t change who you are, he put you into a box and made you act how he wanted. You can open that box and teach yourself how to be you again.

  4. National-Kangaroo476 Avatar

    Energy medicine can help. You shut down your machine and it needs help to open back up. Look up Donna Eden energy routine on YouTube. But if you don’t want to do that it is a simple as walking barefoot, or dancing, even just shaking your whole body to get you started. He has literally dimmed your light but you have the ability to be bright again.

  5. FetchingOrso Avatar

    Your ex is a narcissist. You did the right thing by not reacting because they love when we react. It’s a drug to them. Look up some videos about narcissism and codependency. We have to work on ourselves otherwise we’re going to wind up in the same dynamic. You seem like too nice a person to be sarcastic. I hope things work out.

  6. Stargazer7983 Avatar

    I felt this in my heart! Don’t be too hard on yourself, there’s no set amount of time for healing. I had a similar situation (being with an abuser), and when i started feeling some things with somebody new it almost felt like a trap if that makes any sense. It’s been 9 years and I’ve NEVER been happier. You GOT THIS ❤️

  7. BloomingMosaic Avatar

    I’ve been in a sort of similar situation. I had really bad depression developing when I was 12 and it was horrid, I felt so numb. (I can feel now, and actually cry at everything lol but it’s better than being unable to cry.) I’m also very prone to dissociation and tend to use it as a coping mechanism when things get bad (unstable household, might have PTSD but haven’t been diagnosed).

    I wish I had more solid advice but since our situations are different I’m not sure if my solutions will be yours. I know going on antidepressants made a world of difference. it’s not gone of course, but I can manage it now. went from a giant boulder to a rock so to speak. transitioning also helped me but I don’t know if you’re trans lol.

    our minds try to protect us even if it’s not actually a great thing to do. that’s why often in abusive situations people won’t feel much but then when they’re safe, even decades later, they’ll suddenly have all the emotions coming in. applies to other situations too like grief or trauma. your mind realizes you’re not in a safe place to handle these feelings right now, so it packs it away in a box and pulls it out when it recognizes that you’re in a safe space now. that’d be why you only process emotions days later.

    I would say therapy but.. everyone says that, and it’s not always an option. so I’ll instead say mindfulness, which they would likely suggest in therapy. it sounds silly but taking time to meditate and trying to recognize your feelings and sort of coax them out of hiding might help.

    I hope you get better op, I’m glad you’re safe. just know that these things will unfortunately take time. you’re doing the best you can to heal after a terrible situation, try to be patient with yourself

  8. lisalovv Avatar

    I feel you. Except in my life, it wasn’t an ex. Since I’ve been out of the 9-5 & really spent time away from most people I can see & notice how most people are

    Most people are not good

    I used to feel lonely. But I am now becoming cured.

    I try to have simple pleasures, nature, animals, etc. Humanity is a scourge

  9. Charming_Garbage_161 Avatar

    My ex does the same. He made plans with me for breakfast for our daughter’s birthday and it was his custody day so I made all the food between 8-9am bc we had the whole day planned together. He didn’t show up until after 11am, got upset bc I started talking about how upset I was he didn’t show up (I had texted to at least let me video call her on her birthday since he wasn’t coming), as soon as he got in he told our kids they were all leaving and not spending the day with me which is what got me sobbing. He blamed me for him not feeding our kids. I told him it’s not my fault he neglected our children and didn’t feed them on his parenting time. It was a shit show. Both kids refused to leave with him.

    It’s better to be non-reactionary with these types of things. In my case my ex got under my skin the best way he knew how which was through our kids. You can learn through therapy how to start reacting more. You can get some of the old you back. You don’t want all of it bc then you’d go back to the completely trusting person who let themselves be disrespected and abused. You’re stronger now.

  10. Bigest_Smol_Employee Avatar

    It makes sense why you’d shut down emotionally after dealing with someone so manipulative. It’s a survival mechanism to protect yourself from more hurt. I think it’s important to remember that how you reacted was a way to cope, but that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way forever.

    Reconnecting with your emotions will take time, and it’s okay if it doesn’t happen overnight. Start small by letting yourself feel the little things, like something that makes you laugh or feel good. Healing is a process, and with patience and maybe some outside support, those genuine reactions can come back when you’re ready.

  11. stupidbigteeth Avatar

    Woof, been there. You’re stuck in freeze mode. Therapy! Read some books. Try getting yourself out of survival mode, which is where you are stuck. It’s not gonna be fun. I’m so sorry.

  12. Breeeezyx Avatar

    My heart hurts for you because I’ve been in your shoes and I understand. It’s been 13 years since I left and I never really recovered from my dissociative coping methods. I’ve spent the last 13 years just turning stuff off because it was the only way I knew to keep myself safe. I tried therapy on and off with different therapists for the last 13 years, but I was so shut away that I never really reveled or discussed anything of significance to them. Just sat on that couch pretending I am fine and lying about what is really bothering me even though deep down I was screaming for help to feel again. After 2 years with my current therapist, I finally felt safe enough to reveal to her what was really going on inside. We are working on it, but I think it’s going to take a lot of time to undo. Don’t wait as long as I did. Go get help now and don’t bullshit them with your dissociation.

  13. hot_ellaa Avatar

    just always be yourself, sometimes its okay not to force things, just let it be

  14. Vast-Option-7256 Avatar

    This sounds so familiar..

  15. Vast-Option-7256 Avatar

    What you going to do now

  16. Vast-Option-7256 Avatar

    I mean it should like someone I may know very well but thin again I’m sure it has happen to plenty of people

  17. Boobzillagirl Avatar

    pain is always there, you just have to live with it. praying for your healing

  18. hazedazephaze Avatar

    Omg…. You explained me in the best way I’ve ever seen it put into words.
    I feel you on every level. I’ve come along way from a narcissistic, abusive, manipulative relationship. I’m sorry you had to go through it

  19. Freckled_Mania Avatar

    Here’s the thing. Not feeling the old pain is your block. You have to sit with it, feel it, allow it space, no matter what it looks like. Feelings will flow more easily after