I’m not sure where to even begin. Maybe here: I love my husband. We have a pretty peaceful life together, no big fights, no stormy dramas, no cheating or cruelty or anything like that. On paper, everything is fine. But something happened recently that made me stop and ask myself—am I happy, or am I just really good at being quiet?
We were watching a movie together, one of those cheesy rom-coms where the woman finally breaks down and yells everything she’s been holding in for years. My husband laughed and said, “You’d never do that. You’re too chill.” And I smiled back and said, “Yeah, I guess I am.”
But later, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Is “chill” really who I am? Or have I just gotten really good at pushing things down and making peace when I don’t feel it inside?
I started mentally listing things I let go. Like how he never actually listens when I talk about work. How I do most of the cleaning because he “just doesn’t notice mess.” How he doesn’t remember anniversaries unless I remind him. Or how he always gets to sleep in on weekends because “he needs it more.” Small things. But hundreds of them.
I realized I have trained myself to be okay with crumbs. To keep the peace, I’ve let go of so many little disappointments that I don’t even know which ones matter anymore. I’ve always thought I was being patient, mature, forgiving. But maybe I was just being…silent.
I’m not saying he’s a bad person. He’s not. He’s kind and funny and gentle. But somewhere along the line, I stopped saying how I feel. And the scariest part is, I’m not sure I remember how.
So here I am, writing this like it’s a secret I’ve been keeping from myself. I’m not angry. I’m just tired. Tired of mistaking quiet for peace. I want to start saying what I feel again. Even if it’s awkward. Even if it shakes things up a little.
Because I deserve more than just being “chill.” I deserve to be heard.
Comments
You didn’t fall out of love—you just fell out of voice. And now you’re finding it again. That’s not weakness, that’s growth.
There is a LOT underneath this first, surface level scan of your life. These are the initial emotions and thoughts, the safest ones to approach at this time. I say this with no judgement at all, having gone through this with my ex-husband. I think it’s important for you to get right with yourself first, because that’s what you put to the side: you. I recommend therapy to explore your feelings in a safe space, and figure out where you are, and where you want to be.
Then, when the time is right, start having conversations with your husband and partner about what you’re feeling, and what you need to feel cared for and respected. Love isn’t enough. Trust and respect are equally, and in some scenarios, more important than just love. Love is incredible but often like good intentions, and that’s just not always going to line-up with the impact.
now that you know this, it is time to start thinking about all the things you want to do, not things you have to or should do, but something that will make you happy and do something new every day!
I think that you should learn to use a very powerful word: ‘no’.
You should watch the cool girl monologue from Gone Girl