I (33F) waited months after my avoidantly attached ex-boyfriend (31M) broke up with me, and moved out randomly – for a number of reasons (none of which he was able to articulate until months later). He had recently taken on additional unexpected responsibility in his family to provide care for others. He also talked about the church his family went to as a “show off” and was baptized 4 months later, but also was living with family. His family he was closest to was telling me he wasn’t doing well, and I think/thought he had a mental breakdown. Mind you he lives at home with his family. He works with/for his family. He also has hobbies he enjoys with family/church community. His car isn’t able to be on the road until the winter, so hes driving a family car. I am in love with this man and even are the break up/move out I had enough compassion for him and his experiences to be willing to work towards a future together.
During that time we would meet up every few months to talk for one reason or another (usually around 3ish months) and we’d hook up most every time. When we started to talk/date/hook up again it was when I reached out to give him the last of his stuff in March ‘25. Then he apologized and expressed interested in building something again. He’s been spending 1 night/week at my place with me and the dog. I have gathered that either his mom or pastor don’t like me and have been discouraging him from seeing me. While he has told me he’s expressed his love for me to his sister and Dad who encourage him to be with me.
My birthday was last month. The day before he called me and expressed he can’t stop thinking about me and our dog. That he hasn’t ever been able to stop since we broke up and he wanted to spend my birthday with me. I told him it’d be a better conversation to be had in person and while having dinner the night before, (where he brought me flowers, drove me and spent the night) I expressed my needs in a relationship to him. I encouraged him to take time to figure out if his needs and asked that we talk again.
He came over the following week (of minimal and sporadic communication which has always been a big issue) and while showering after sex I asked if he had thought more about what he needs in a relationship and what our next steps would be. He told me that he was thinking about it and he’d get back to me and we’d talk soon. He told me he loved me, repeatedly that night. Sometimes while borderline tearful. And I said it back, because I do.
I asked him over this week when he normally comes over and he texted back agreeing to come that night and spend the following day and night with me. I was ecstatic. I texted 45 minutes later that he was going to do something with his church tomorrow so he wouldn’t be able to any longer. He apologized and said he’d call me later.
Since that time I found out that he’s been dating a girl from his church. She’s years younger and he took her virginity, I’m pretty sure while we’ve been having sex. His sister told me he broke up with her after he left my apartment – saying he loved me with tears in his eyes. I had no idea. If I did, I wouldn’t have allowed him over. I wouldn’t have had sex with him. He doesn’t know that I know (although, his sister told me so he may know). He still has not called me back. Come tomorrow morning it’ll have been almost 50 hours since he cancelled plans he just confirmed with me and he said he’d call – and hasn’t.
The advice I’m looking for:
Should I go to church tomorrow morning?
I am day dreaming of getting dressed up (appropriately but beautifully nonetheless) and walking into church tomorrow morning and sitting in a pew in front of him. The sermon would already be going – so I don’t anticipate that he’d approach me mid sermon. I want to make him sit there looking at me in a room with her for an hour. I want him to sit there in his house of God with the both of us for an hour. But I don’t know if I should. Or if I should wake up, and do yoga and take my dog on a walk and look at the trees and remember that I am better off without a man who won’t choose a woman who loves him?
TIA.
Comments
God no.
You’re doing the classic “I’m not over my ex so I am creating a fantasy where I really show him what he is missing” move.
It will never be satisfying. Instead you will waste even more time by getting more invested into a guy who clearly does not care about you.
You have no relationship. This is pointless. You are trying to create a scenario that will make a relationship with a person who has already behaved negatively to you work.
Move on.
If you recognized that your bf was avoidantly attached, why did you not move on from him?
Dog and yoga. Don’t put anymore energy into this man. He ain’t worth the effort.
This dude is not a good person. Please don’t waste another second’s thought on him.
DON’T go. The book “He’s Just Not That Into You,” in summary:
If a man in whom you are interested is not making the effort to pursue you, he is simply “just not that into you.”
He showed that repeatedly by the way he avoided you, and treated you.
We all face rejections and heart breaks in life. Instead, put your energy into this:
Make a bullet point list of all the treacherous things he did and put it on your fridge, or wherever you can see it daily, sometimes hourly. Snap a picture for your phone.
The human mind is designed to focus on all of the good stuff, post break up. Every time your mind drifts into something like:
A. “oh he was so SWEET that day,”
YOU need to reply: ” BUT he was already sleeping with that other girl.”
or
B. “he told me he LOVED me,”
YOU need to reply: ” And psychopaths are great liars!”
etc.
Hes using you. Stop being accessible to him.
Have you for even a second thought about this rationally and not just what you feel? The expression ”Beating a dead horse” would be defined by this post, because boy are you running after someone who has exactly shut figured out, and a lot of hard work for years to come, before being a solid and stable partner for anyone.
In therapy they talk about being ready for a partner when that may happen, they talk about being the best version of yourself before jumping into something with someone else. Because 1. Solid foundation to build something on, 2. To bring your partner up rather then tear them down.
Where you are in all this, ready or not I can’t say, but I doubt it after all this drama, twist and turns. But your ex is no way close to have anything to offer anyone in a relationship, and still after everything you are still wishing for it to happen. Until he is the best version of himself, or at least have a plan for it to happen and start doing the work, nothing positive will come from being with him. Nothing new compared to tour history will come out of this.
Ergo, beating a dead horse. Time to love on to someone that actually should be in a relationship or expect more issues, back and forwards and you will continue losing years of your life to this immature child.
You know how first love relationships usually goes? Person A dumps person B. Person B moves on with life. Person A, the one who dumped, try’s to get person B back. 3 months later the relationship is over. Then a few rounds of rebound sex then done for good. It never last, ever, after the first break up. Because it was for valid reasons.
Why people comes back and forward is because of a mix of: anxiety, stress, bad sleep, loneliness, nostalgia, chock in regards to change. All this emotions makes you forget the bad stuff and paint a made up picture in your head. Then reality hits when trying is back on the table. Now this has nothing to do with age, it’s just harder the younger you are because you might never have felt close to as bad as you do after a break up, and you know how it can be solved, to not feel like that anymore. By getting back together. It can even mask the actual feelings not being there and why it ended in the first place.
So, rational thinking is key when you make huge life effecting decision. This is dead, he isn’t ready for anyone. And especially not for an ex he treated like air.
GIRL. WTF???
HELL NO.
Never see or speak to this manipulative piece of shit ever again! Block his stupid family and him and his delusions of being some devout, godly man. He’s a sneak, a liar, a user, a sexual predator and a scumsucking bottom feeder.
You need to go running straight to your gynecologist for a full emergency STD screening. Tell them WHY you need an immediate appointment and can’t wait for your annual, they’ve heard it before, I promise. But get tested THIS WEEK and follow up when they schedule you dor the second set… some tests take weeks to come back.
In the meantime, get yourself a non religious based therapist and just hand them what you wrote here for the first appointment. And go to the vet and get that dog’s chip changed to ONLY your name, ffs.
You want a final “act of drama” tell the former virgin, “I’m getting tested for STD’s because he was screwing both of us that I directly know of – I suggest you prioritize your own medical health and safety.”