Im 21F have an amazing boyfriend 35M. He’s kind, caring, loves and adores me. We share the same interests in literature, music, art, knowledge in general. We started dating 4 months ago and so far it’s been amazing. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, can’t think of his life without me.
And in the beginning i used to feel the same way but now….I adore him and think he’s amazing but I just can’t feel as strongly as he does. I have doubts all the time as to whether this is what I want. And what’s worse is it has nothing to do with him
He makes me feel loved and cared for and seen. He’s helped me through mental issues, he’s a shoulder I can always lean on etc.
But I just doubt if I truly love him or I’m just lonely because I have no real friends and he’s the only one I can fully talk to. But if so, it feels wrong leaving him selfishly. We have dreamt of a life together and everything and now I wanna just leave because I feel off? It just doesn’t seem right.
And sometimes these feelings of doubt just leave and I’m happy and Okey for a while. Especially when I’m with him. Then after a while apart, like a day or two, the doubt comes back
But I can’t fully enjoy the relationship cos this always plays out in the back of my head. I feel terrible. I’ve spoken to him about it but I tell him that he comes and goes. So we decided to write out how we feel when we’re feeling all lovey and then I focus on that when the doubt comes. That used to work but it doesn’t work anymore cos….sighh
I don’t know what to do . i want to love him fully and completely all the time.
Comments
The reason you have doubts about what it is that you want is because you are 21 years old.
It is very, very rare for someone who is 21 years old to know what it is that they want out of life.
Your boyfriend is 35 years old, and he is therefore at a much different stage of life than you are.
He’s also much more experienced than you, and he is able to treat you in a way that leads you to believe that you are somehow dependent on him.
When in fact that is not the case at all.
As you yourself seemed to understand.
In fact, I wonder why your boyfriend is not interested in women who are around his own age.
It’s possible that he’s afraid of women his own age, because they will not be so easily convinced by the things he tells them perhaps.
And they will have demands and expectations of him that he is not able to fulfill.
I am just guessing, because I know nothing about him or you or the nature of your relationship, other than what you have reported above.
And what you have reported above is that you are very uncomfortable.
Which suggests, at least to me, that you feel at some level that he is manipulating you.
For your information, you may want to love him fully and completely all the time… but that is not something you can ever, under any circumstances, force yourself to do.
And if you do try to do that, you will experience stress, anxiety, and possibly more serious mental health complications.
Please let me know what you think about that idea, thank you.
You are being groomed by an older man who cannot get women his age so he tries to impress you with his “interest in music and art”. Sorry to be blunt, but youre 21, likely extremely immature, does not know a lot about the world, does not have a wide social circle. This 35 year old is taking advantage of all of that to manipulate you into thinking you’re special.
Let me guess, he has told you you are “mature for your age” and that your artistic tastes are “refined for a 21 year old”. Its the same playbook. He is “love bombing” you – no one in their mid 30s is suddenly trying to convince a 20 year old to spend the rest of their lives with them after four months.
I don’t think it’s advisable to actively act against your gut instinct.
I mean, with that 14-year age gap, the over-the-top statements of wanting to spend his life with you after a mere 4 months, and the fact that you have no real friends and struggle with mental issues, this all sounds like he’s identified you as easy prey and is love-bombing you to get you under his control… but at the end of the day, no argument based in logic can trump what your feelings tell you.
And your feelings tell you that this is not the right thing for you, at least not right now.
You most likely were desperate for a friend. In this case it’s some way older dude who’s probably playing you.
He is 35 and you are 21. A LOT OF LIFE HAPPENS BETWEEN 21 and 35. He hasn’t found anyone and wants the fresh you forever. You are still finding your own way and INSTINCTIVELY YOU KNOW HE IS GOING TO KEEP YOU FROM REAL GROWTH AND UNDERSTANDING. Take a break and see how he acts.
Don’t stay with someone because you are afraid to hurt their feelings.
When you can’t imagine the rest of your life without this person in it, then you know it is love. This does not sound as if this is that kind of relationship.
Always trust that gut instinct.
You’re young. Your gut is speaking and you’re trying to understand it and ignore it.
Don’t ignore it. You shouldn’t, because the gut is the mind’s way of communicating subconscious information that your conscious brain hasn’t caught up to yet. But even if you try to ignore it, it won’t go away. It’ll only get worse, persist, constantly stress you, and impact your daily life negatively.
You’ve already gotten some perspectives from others of what may be going on. If you still aren’t convinced to act one way or another, book a session with a therapist to talk it out. If you’re a university student, it’s likely a service that the uni offers for free.
Good luck.
I’d go to therapy and try to understand my feelings
Feelings aren’t always to be trusted . The ebb and flow . Love is more of a choice than anything if you want a long lasting relationship.
Sounds like idealization. It will fade away 🙂 4 months is nothing. What is gonna happen is that the affection will get fewer while the behavior remains and then you will truly see who he is
something is definitely not right!!!!! if it makes you feel less alone and less ostracized than some of these comments are acting, i myself have very few friends and im 18, I also have a partner but I’ve known him for long enough as friends to be confident in a future with him, not just 4 months of dating. He is also my age which helps us feel secure in the sense we are at very similar stages of life, still figuring things out about ourselves and our goals for the future, if anything he’s just a year or so ahead of me just because he went into uni while im in a gap year at the moment. But enough about me, back to you. If things don’t feel right, they probably aren’t right.
Its normal to have a sort of honeymoon period when you first starting dating someone but on the inverse, there is also lovebombing, something intentional and manipulative that can later be used to keep you around, even if you don’t want to because you could feel like you have to.
your youth should be spent figuring things out, whereas in mid to late 30s, people generally have more semblance of an idea of what they’re doing, they’ve got experience and (usually but not always) a better idea of the things they want out of life. To me 21 is still a kid and its hard for me to imagine at 35 being attracted to anyone more than 5 years younger than me, but thats just my outlook on it.
if you want to love anyone completely, love yourself completely and he can come later, at your own pace. Dont rush things just because he is.
You are in different stages in your lives. At 21, you are figuring out what works for you. It’s difficult when you get attached to a person who shows you kindness and love but there will be other people who will do this for you. One thing I have learned (35 f) is that if something is “off” in the beginning it is not going to go away. It will sit there like the elephant in the room. You can gaslight yourself into believing that it’s just how you feel that day, or any other excuse but the truth is, it’s there. Trust your gut. You’ve described admiring certain qualities in this man and it sounds like he is being good to you, but you have got to be true to yourself. 14 years is a massive age difference and I have to wonder why he is targeting a woman your age, at the beginning of her adult life, to settle down with. I really do hope that you get to explore a little more. All the best.
Have you felt as ambivalent in other relationships?
You were infatuated. That doesn’t last.
Trust me. When I was your age, I’d think I knew the world. I thought it was love. I thought the man truly loved me but w such an age gap, it’s not love, it’s manipulation. You don’t have to give in for a man that old. He has chosen you coz you’re young and can be easily manipulated. Why can’t he find someone his age? Coz women his age are not falling for it.
Translation she wants to have her promiscuity phase right now and then settle down later in a serious long term relationship. I’ve seen this type of behavior with women before, young or old.
Run, don’t walk. He is grooming you. Ick.
Just leave 🤷 you may regret it long run. You may see it as the best decision you ever made. Sounds like you want to grow and he’s sort of done with the growing phase of his life. Unlucky timing maybe in the next life
Time to break up. He’s too old for you, anyway. Is this his usual dating age? That is a red flag! Wow.
You are 21, he is 35. While its a possible match, you are in a wonderful golden era of your life. Trust yourself and abandon ship.
DONT GET PREGNANT !!!
😂😂😂😂