I’m (48F) and i want a divorce after being with my husband (52 M) for 27 years. I have no one to really talk to about this with so here I am. We have 3 adult children and I’ve been a SAHM for all of these 27 years. My youngest will graduate high school next month.
It’s always been a struggle but for so long I thought the right thing to do was stay married. And I really did love and care about him. But he is very selfish. I have been the one to just try and always keep the peace. Which just means I did what he wanted. Which worked for him because he did what he wanted as well.
He was always too busy to be involved with the raising and taking care of our children. That was on me , and I got used to being alone . Until the past year, now he has wanted to talk to me and hang out with me more. And I can’t really explain why but this just pisses me off . My theory is, now that the children are adults, he feels like he can be the center of my attention. And it’s not like he wants to know anything about what I am interested in, he just wants to talk about the things that interest him. Also, he is a very critical person.
So, all of this to say I think he’s noticed that I have changed in the recent months. He will say things like, do you not love me anymore and like want to hug me etc. (I’ve tried not to act different because I am waiting for the youngest to go to college in August.) I also went to work for a catering company and last night was my first event. I actually enjoyed the work, but it was tough and I didn’t get home until late. And as I was in bed trying to relax he , without provocation, started to massage my back . He has never done anything like that without my asking and then it was only for a few seconds. So, do yall think he has always been capable of being considerate and just never wanted to? I feel like that. Idk I just want to scream!! Also, I feel kind of dead inside.
Comments
Have you talked to him about this? Don’t feel ashamed to want a divorce even after so long being together. I hope you’re doing alright , my mom is in the same boat except the father cant really go nowhere because he’s jobless…
You need to express all of this to him and her whether he’s apologetic or defensive about it
You two need therapy first. You haven’t worked for 27 years. You have no skills to offer anyone in a job. It’s tough on these streets for anyone who has no job skills and, if you get alimony and part of a pension, it’s not going to be enough unless he was very rich.
Hi married 17 years here. I would suggest discovering what each of your love languages are. It’s a free quiz online and there is a book if you want more information. I was told about it about 5 years in and it really made a difference. My husband agreed too. Hang there
Your husband realizes you will leave him if you become financially independent, so he is making a pathetic effort at romance. He wants a woman to take care of him as he grows older. Any woman. Men like him don’t take care of their wives when they become sick – they leave whenever it becomes the slightest bit inconvenient to be married.
Women 40 and over begin to realize selfish and toxic men are a liability, not an asset. You hold the key to your freedom, and he knows it.
Have you tried to communicate your concerns with him and how you feel? You’ve been married for 27 years, don’t cut it off without talking it through with him. If you need to go to couples therapy, do what you need to do.
But also sometimes these mediocre “pathetic” changes are temporary and the people making these attempts go back to their normal when they think they have done enough “repair.”
Stay your course. Focus on you.
27 years is a long time to be ignored and taken advantage of. I’m not surprised you feel dead inside. When love is neglected, it wears out. You’ve put your wants and needs on the back burner this whole time. It’s ok to be done with that now that the kids are grown.
He probably senses that you are checking out and is backpedaling. But it’s too little too late for you. It’s pretty normal to feel the way you do when this has been your life.
I would quietly (don’t tell him anything) talk to an attorney and see what your options are. It’s time you start living for you, not for him, not for the kids, for YOU!
Find a lawyer and see what are your options, you already did your best by your children, now it is time to think about yourself.
Yes, he could’ve done all these things throughout the years, he just didn’t want to or more accurately he never saw the need to. Now that he sees you changing he’s trying to give you crumbles of affection to see if you change your mind.
He realized you won’t be financially dependent on him and that you could leave without a second thought.
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He was always capable of being considerate, just didn’t feel it necessary to give you good things because you were committed. Now that you establish the slightest but of independence and agency for yourself, he’s in a panic. Its a manipulation tactic, to lead with as carrot when things look dicey, but to hold that carrot for only when he needs to give you a little incentive so it feels fresh
Fact is you deserved to have that carrot without games, for 27 years. But he only gives it when he needs to secure you or manipulate you. Thankfully you have enough emotional intelligence to realize his games and feel annoyed instead of enthralled
Go get your freedom.
I don’t like these types of posts. After 27 years in marriage it seems like you would want to put in some effort into trying to make it work such as therapy or other options. You have your theory you mentioned, but have you talked to him about any of this at all? This is why marriages in America fail. This is why our divorce is so high. No one wants to talk to each other anymore. No one wants to put in the hard work if you suggest a counseling and he said hard no then maybe I would understand, but it doesn’t seem like that has even been a discussion. Don’t get me wrong. I’ve lost someone I truly loved and I really think that it would’ve been hard but it we can make it work if we put in the effort. And that effort starts with communication not just expressing your feelings on Reddit