I want to be a sexually desirable partner. It’s ruining my life

this is long and embarrassing so i’d be surprised if anyone read/responded to this

TL;DR: partners avoid having sex with me/don’t seem interested in me, i get cheated on often, sex/relationships are always terrible and it’s affecting my self worth. i don’t feel attractive or valued by anyone. i feel like i’m missing out in life. i need advice on what i can do to fix this, and i’ve offered context below.

i’m a woman about to be 22 this month

i have never orgasmed during sex and overall my sex life has not been good at all. always been a bad experience and always feel bad about myself afterwards

attractive people want nothing to do with me. none of my partners were very physically attractive or good in bed but i prioritized personality and connection over everything else so if i were unhappy with my sex life i’d tell myself that it’s not the most important thing in the world and would just deal with it

now as i’m getting older I’ve come to realize this is only going to become more difficult to achieve with age and it’s starting to affect me more

more context:

i lost my virginity at 15

the guy i lost my virginity to (21M today) wasn’t a good partner but i just wanted to know what having sex felt like

i was already being bullied in school for being unattractive and did not feel confident or good about myself

i was so insecure i halfway covered my face with my arms the entire time to keep him from seeing any of the weird faces i was making

it lasted for maybe 5 minutes before he stopped and said “i have to use the bathroom”

i tried to initiate sex weeks after that, he laughed nervously and told me “no”

later i found out through a friend of his that he was planning to meet up with his ex to hook up so i broke up with him

my most recent ex (21M today) had been pursuing me for 7 years (we were very close friends since grade school), but i rejected him. he was upset that i had been dating other people over being with him and he stopped talking to me after i lost my virginity

fast forward 3 years, we resume contact

we are both more mature now, i develop feelings for him, and we start dating

we were close but throughout the whole relationship despite my best efforts he would avoid having sex with me and would always have an excuse as to why he didn’t want to have sex with me

he still wanted me to give him a blowjob every night though and would act hurt if he didn’t get one

i think he realized at some point during our relationship that he wasn’t as attracted to me sexually as he thought even though he says he only wanted to be with me

i don’t believe he was attracted to me because:

– he never initiated PIV sex, i always initiated and most of the time he had a bunch of excuses to why (“too tired”, “want to have a cigarette first” then gets occupied with something else, etc.) months would go by and he only wanted blowjobs/footjobs and would ask for that every day occasionally even twice (i would usually say yes because i didn’t want to be selfish, neglectful, or a bad partner and i wanted to make him happy) no aftercare or anything afterwards, he would go downstairs to smoke a cigarette or turn away from me and go to sleep. when we did have piv sex he would stop maybe 10 minutes in and say something along the lines of “okay now it’s my turn” and want me to suck him off

– he NEVER wanted to go down on me or use his fingers

– he always avoided eye contact during any form of sexual intimacy

– i was his first kiss a long time ago, but he never wanted to kiss or make out with me

– he had a porn addiction and would rather masturbate by himself than have piv sex with me

– he would go soft inside of me nearly every time (he swears he doesn’t know why it happens, usually would blame it on his marijuana use)

– he also admitted to me that he never found me to be “hot” or “sexy”, but that i’m “very cute” and that he prefers cute women

i tried my best to be patient and work with all of this because i loved him and wanted to be with him, this was the best relationship I’ve ever been in and in all honesty the best i’d felt in my life since i was a small child

i felt like a slut, a worthless woman, a bad partner for getting angry over him not wanting to have sex, i didn’t think i was a good person for feeling this way

i started to resent him for this, we would argue about it, and he would make promises to “try harder”. for example i wanted to have sex on valentines day and he promised we would but at the end of the night i reminded him about it and he said he forgot (he has adhd), and that now he was too tired and said we could try tomorrow (it didn’t happen) of all the times that he had rejected my advances this one upset me the most

i thought he was lying about how he felt about me and i still believe he was but i can’t prove it

our last month of dating i stopped doing him any sexual favors, and he got upset. at first he seemed like he was accepting of it but then started occasionally saying things like “but sex is an important part of a relationship” and “I don’t want a sexless marriage”

we broke up after 1.5 years of dating

his friend (22M who has immaculate sex appeal and is known for being good in bed) talks to me right after we break up

he picks me up for a drive one night and starts flirting with me in his car saying things like “i always thought you were kinda hot” “there’s an open back seat” “if you do this (my ex) will probably never talk to you again”

i was extremely attracted to him but i felt too insecure to do anything with him because i was ashamed of my body and lack of experience

we went back to his house, he and i drank like 3 beers and then while we were drunk and talking he kissed me but i wasn’t ready for it and it ended up being really bad. he took me home afterwards and a few weeks later i was blocked on everything

i was able to contact him recently and i asked him why all of this happened and he told me “we were both drunk and i wasn’t thinking in the moment, after i sobered up i realized it would be a horrible idea” “you don’t turn me on, i don’t find you attractive at all, i don’t find you anything, i just see you as a faint memory from my past and that’s it” “i just wanted some pussy that’s it”

i asked why he would do what he did if he wasn’t attracted to me at all and he said “i was at the time because you were the hot ‘grippy socks = grippy box’ girl but i grew out of that phase” some other words were exchanged and then he blocked me again

i am miserable

i feel ugly, unfuckable, inferior as a woman, worthless, not attractive enough to commit to, just convenient and easy and accepting of the bare minimum because i am unable to get anything more than that out of people even when i try my best. and they know i’ll overcompensate for it because of my circumstances. i don’t know why i give anyone the benefit of the doubt, because whenever i am worried about something i’m usually right. i did not have much confidence before but now i have none. i don’t know if i’ll ever experience a relationship where my partner loves and respects me while also having a good sex life. i want my partners to be attracted to me and desire me. i want to be happy and fulfilled in my relationships but i always feel like i’m asking for too much. i want to give up just to avoid the humiliation and disappointment cause maybe it’s just not meant to happen for me.

i also feel this way because:

– i get cheated on a lot

– i never get compliments on my face or genitalia from my partners

– my partners usually only want to have sex with me once and never again

– i get shallow positivity from strangers telling me to “love yourself” and “it’s got nothing to do with you, it’s them” and “you’re perfect just the way you are” and “you’re still young” and “just don’t think about it that way” and “you shouldn’t care what other people think” (mfw you have to care about what other people think as far as how attractive you appear because you’re not gonna be having good sex if the other person doesn’t find you attractive)

– people i know, who normally are okay with talking about such topics with others, seem visibly uncomfortable whenever i talk about sex, make a sexual joke, use a sexual word, make a comment about my body or appearance (doesn’t matter what it is)

– women my age don’t want to hang out with me and I’ve never really had any female friends; no nights out or doing each other’s makeup, styling outfits/shopping together, etc

– i have better friendships with men but i’m not bonded with anyone in my life anymore and all my relationships fail

– someone (23M today) dated me in middle school for 11 days just to have his friend break up with me for him over text, said he realized he’s gay (he was still dating other women after this happened, so i think the joke was to tell everyone that i “turned him gay”)

my therapist doesn’t like when i bring any of these things up because she thinks i’m being too harsh or unfair to myself. i tell her that i need to be realistic about what has been happening to me and she tells me i’m argumentative and that i need to focus on the things that i DO like about myself instead of things that i don’t, and that i need to find better people to be in my life.

so my question is, what can i do to stop this from happening to me? what changes can i make? is having sex with me really that bad? i didn’t think i was that bad of a partner but it seems like all the signs are saying otherwise. i don’t want to be undesirable. i want a fulfilling sexual & romantic relationship and not feel like i have to settle for one or the other. i don’t want to have to miss out on these things in life