Background. I am divorced and have been dating a woman the last 2 years and I make probably 5x what she does, so I pay for every big ticket item and when she contributes anything I am grateful and happy. My ex didn’t work and spent and I became resentful when she wouldn’t get a job even just for 4 hours a day to help with health insurance. Her only issue is that she has a 16yo son who is probably the most ungrateful, selfish person I have ever met. I dont think he is a bad kid, but the entitlement is off the charts. I have always tried to act like a father, and he even calls my daughters his sister. I go to all his games, buy him all his bodybuilding supplements and when he thought he got a girl pregnant, he came to speak to me and I bought the test.
Issue. I have paid for the last 3 vacations, last year was Mexico and this year was supposed to be Las Vegas, but I added a few days in LA and Disneyland because I knew it was his dream. I just got back and he was a selfish prick, he took my daughter’s aisle seat on the plan because he was in the middle, refused to sit in the middle of the SUV back seat and always made my kids sit there, lied to my kids about having no money so they would have to pay for his meal at a concert I bought the tickets for, lots of other smaller things, but never a thank you. He even messed up all our family picture at the Grand Canyon by flexing while we were smiling. It looks ridiculous and I had warned him about it already, since he did it last year at a Cenote in Mexico. I’m done. It put such a sour taste in my mouth that it ruined any otherwise great trip. He did offer the fakest apology when he got back after his mom told him to, but it meant nothing. He alienated my kids as well as me and I think that’s why I am so annoyed.
AITAH if I just tell my GF he isn’t allowed on any vacations any more and I don’t want to spend a penny on him again until he gets his crap in gear? I don’t want him at dinners out, I don’t even want him coming over when I order Chinese. Luckily he usually prefers going over his GF’s so it shouldnt be bad. I went over last night and he didnt even come out to say hi. (RUDE) I dont want an apology I want him out of my life or I want penance.
Comments
Man, I feel ya. Teenagers can be right lil’ hellions. But here’s a hot take: rather than banning the lad, y not use this as a teachable moment? A chance to learn bout gratitude n’ responsibility. Have a real heart-to-heart with him. Sounds cliché, I get it, but it’s legit worth a shot. And if he still stays a twat after that, then yeah, dude’s gotta face some consequences. Just my 2c tho. 🤷♂️
This is not your choice to make.
This is not your son to discipline.
Your problem lies with your girlfriend. This is her son, and she is seemingly fine with his behaviour. Either she fixes this or she risks the relationship
YWBTA as there is no indication that you have made any attempt to express to his mother your issues and expectations.
Yep YTA
You’re literally just describing normal teenager behaviour, and you think that is justification to “cut off” a minor?
If you’ve accepted the responsibility of acting as a parent to this child then that isn’t something you can just choose to withdraw, because you dislike their attitude. All teenagers have an attitude, and not one behaviour you have described is abnormal for someone their age. That’s speaking as someone whose background is in developmental psychology.
Children aren’t Build a Bear stuffed animals. They are individual people with their own thoughts, feelings, wants, and behaviours, and part of accepting the responsibility of parenting, is recognizing that you still have to be a parent, even when your child annoys you.
Honestly the fact that you think ridiculous things like him flexing in a photo, or not wanting to sit in a middle seat, are grounds for cutting him off, says a lot more about you than it does about him, and none of it is good.
I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that. If she won’t put her foot down you’re going to deal with his attitude the rest of your life and it won’t get better. It’s showing consequences which is important to growing up.
You’re a sucker for dating this woman. Please leave her, what does she contribute to the relationship? I don’t understand so many posts from people who pay for EVERYTHING.
NTA. But this situation really needs a clear boundary conversation rather than going nuclear right away.
Here’s why:
You’ve been extremely generous, way beyond what most people would do for a partner’s kid after only two years. You paid for multiple vacations (including Disneyland, which is insanely expensive), supplements, meals, tickets, supported him emotionally, and treated him like family. That’s huge.
And what you’ve gotten in return sounds like a mix of teenage immaturity, entitlement, and plain disrespect. Some of that is normal for a 16-year-old… but a lot of it is way beyond normal, especially lying to your kids so they’d pay for him, ruining photos you’d clearly asked him not to ruin, and never thanking you.
Wanting to stop paying for him, stop bringing him on trips, and stop letting him freeload off your generosity isn’t being cruel. It’s actually a reasonable, healthy boundary:
“I’m not going to keep pouring time, money, and energy into someone who is rude, ungrateful, and undermines family time, until something changes.”
But here’s where it gets complicated:
If you love your girlfriend and want the relationship to last, a total scorched-earth cutoff. “He’s never allowed on vacation, I won’t spend a penny on him, I don’t want him over when I order Chinese”, is probably going to blow up your relationship. She’ll see it as you rejecting her kid, and even if she privately agrees he’s acting horribly, she may feel forced to take his side.
Instead, what might work better:
Tell your GF, calmly: “I’ve put in a lot of effort and resources, but his behavior on the last trip was incredibly hurtful to me and my kids. I’m not comfortable paying for him or including him in trips or special outings until he shows real change, real gratitude, respect, and apology, not something forced. Until then, he’s welcome to come to simple family dinners if he wants, but I’m stepping back from playing dad to him.”
Make it about your kids, too: “He treated my kids badly, that’s not okay. I need to protect them too.”
Keep it open-ended: “If he makes a real change, I’m open to revisiting this. But I’m not willing to do this right now.”
That keeps the door open if he ever grows up, but stops the bleeding now. And it shows your GF that you’re not just being petty, you’re setting reasonable boundaries after being mistreated.
Bottom line:
You’re absolutely not the asshole for wanting to stop spending time & money on someone who shows zero appreciation and actively disrespects your family.
You might be the asshole if you go straight to “I never want him around at all” without talking to your GF first and without explaining why.
A clear, calm boundary that protects you and your kids is totally justified, and honestly overdue.
If you’d like, I can help draft what you might say to your girlfriend to make it come across as fair and loving rather than angry.
Would you like that?
Yes, YTA.
This isn’t a teenager problem, this is a GF problem. While a lot of his behaviors are pretty standard for his age, she should be correcting it.
NTA, really. You’d think after paying for so much, he’d show some gratitude… but wow, just wow. OP, I get you’re frustrated. To be honest, I’m surprised his mom isn’t more involved here. She needs to step up and set some boundaries, ASAP. His attitude’s not okay, and she should make that clear. But hey, let’s not forget the good times, your daughter’s still young, focus on making memories with her while you can!
Teenagers frequently go through phases of assholery. They can be such ingrates.
Teenagers not posing for family pics is not exactly an earth-shattering novelty, nor is arguing over an aisle seat. Lying about not having money is also not out of the realm of assholery, and it deserves some kind of consequence provided by BOTH parents.
But going nuclear on the relationship rather than recognizing that teens can be AHs strikes me as something that will cause a rift in the relationship when he gets out of his AH phase.
So, talk with your GF about reasonable expectations and consequences. Be calm when teens show disrespect. Provide expected consequences without emotion. Keep the initial consequences inconvenient for the teen but not nuclear. If you start off nuclear, there’s nowhere you can go from there.
Find another girlfriend.
He’s a normal teenage boy. Most teenage boys push back against their parents and what they offer them, it’s a natural behavior that serves to help “launch” them into being self-sufficient.
Your reaction, a desire to cut him off and get him to move on and move out, is also natural.
But tried carefully, because you ARE a stepdad, and your relationship with your wife hinges on how she perceives this interaction between the two of you. You understanding your stepson’s development and your own response should help you to become LESS emotional about it and tackle the problem in the way that will result in the best outcome.
Dude, honestly, NTA. You’ve dropped major coin on this kid, tried to act the part and he repays you with 0 appreciation and a dodgey ‘sorry.’ Not cool at all. You’re not his ATM. It’s not about the money, but about respect, innit? Lay out ground rules, express your stance clear. If he wants to be part of the fam, he has to act like it. If not, let him learn the real world ain’t nobody’s free ride. Show him some tough love, maybe he’ll get his act together. But till then, you do you, man. Don’t let him ruin your peace – ur fam doesn’t need extra stress. Stand your ground. So yeah, NTA, not at all.
NTA. Maybe you need to leave your girlfriend and her Son out of your next trip. If they ask why, then just be honest.
I think more than anything what you’re bothered by is normal teenage boy behavior and you’re used to girls. I feel like you haven’t tried to meet him where he is before you started trying to make him “prove penance” or stay away from you. These things you are describing are small, normal teenage things when adjusting to a new family. It isn’t your job to parent him, it is your girlfriend’s job to parent him, and she obviously isn’t bothered by this behavior. You’ve seemed like a very authoritarian parent and she doesn’t sound like she operates that way. If you go scorched earth chances are you lose the girlfriend.
Question: What is his mother doing when this happens exactly?
He is her son, therefore the main task of raising him into a decent behaving human rests mostly on her shoulders… not yours.
I get that it’s not black and white and that by blending two families, you have to participate in those responsibilities as well, but nowhere do you even mention how she responds to his entitlement.
NTA
NTA
How about your girlfriend foots the bill for her kid?
The kid comes with the girl. If you want her, you have to deal with him. If you’re going to take her and your kids on a family trip and not invite him, a child, then yes you WBTA
Literally going thru what your going thru as we speak with her 18 yr old son. He has 1 year of high school left so I csnt kick him out. I can tell you what I did. Me and her had a talk. I told her I’m not paying for shit that has to do with him. I’m done. I also won’t compensate on any bills if she spends money on anything for him. She’s gonna hold up her end or I’m out. You do what you gotta do for you and yours bro. If she don’t like it then move on.
So um you don’t get to excommunicate your live-in gfs minor child for being an ungrateful teenager.
I hope this is just venting and if not, you’re not cut out for stepdad life and should end your relationship with your gf if you can’t handle her bratty teen.
His behavior is honestly pretty middle of the road crappy teenager stuff, it’s not like he’s violent or doing illegal shit like most of the wild stories I read on here.
The problem here isn’t so much a handful of a teen but that you and your gf need to get on the same page about how to discipline a child who is behaving like this.
This is a coparenting problem not a kid problem.
Assuming you’ve already had the 1 on 1’s with him to try and talk to him about his behavior it sounds like he is the “more you give, worse they get” type.
He needs tough love, i.e. CONSEQUENCES for his actions.
Why stop acting like a dckhead if you still maintain the comforts and joys of being a dckhead.
Talk to his mom in detail about what you plan to do and just do it. When he gets older and little more mature he’ll realize you tried your best and he pushed you to your edge.
Also, it’s a terrible message for our actual children that he is allowed to treat them the way he does.
NTA
So it’s just all about money in your family?
He’s a 16 year old. He’s figuring out who he is, as a person. If you are in a relationship with mom, you’re in (or should be) in a relationship with her son. Package deal. Stop judging him and just be his friend and an adult, male role model (don’t try to be “dad”). If you can afford these trips keep paying for everyone. Lose the resentment and judgment. Embrace accepting people as they are, where they are. Otherwise, you’re going to drive an unnecessary wedge in this situation, plus put a ding on this young man’s self-confidence.
And are you serious you’re critical cuz the kid had his own flair with a picture at the Grand Canyon?!?
Also, he’s a boy, you’re used to daughters….WAAAAAAAY different on every level. Girls are typically people pleasers, peace makers and compliant. Boys are pushing boundaries, risk taking, gruff, etc. <<Speaking as a mom of a boy>>
Not an asshole, but that is not at all out of the ordinary for a teen boy. I think banning and cutoff is a nuclear overreaction.
Yeah it sucks, but plenty of the rest of the world has to deal with their blood offspring doing stuff like this. Maybe sit him down beforehand and tell him what common courtesy is, and he’s expected to follow it, come up with some consequences for normal teen BS.
Pictures, there are people out there that can fix that stuff, photoshop geniuses. How about Get a good proper one made, then one of him doing terribly embarrassing stuff, hang up the embarrassing one till he sees the light
Truthfully, how much of this comes from his mom? Does she show a sense of entitlement, even if more subtle? You may have a girlfriend problem almost as much as a bratty teenager problem. Your children deserve all the attention you can give them. Don’t let a girlfriend and her son torpedo that.
NTA.
Updateme
Who raised this entitled boy? And saying he’s just being a teenager is the same as boys will be boys. No… again I say who’s raising this boy? You can never forget that parents fit into the equation of child rearing. Think about how you raised your daughters, and why they are grateful young women.
NTA. At 16, he’s long overdue for understanding that receiving gifts always requires some level of reciprocity, even if just a “thank you” and posing nicely for a few photos.
Honestly – it sounds like you are doing all the parenting and she is not. Perhaps his father is not.
That is rightfully going to create some negative emotions in said teenager – being pissed at parents, and maybe you because you aren’t his dad or his mom and why aren’t they doing this?
What does your GF say when he refuses to sit in the airplane seat assigned to him, etc.? Making him apologize after the fact is not appropriate. Not correcting him for the photograph is not appropriate – that should be his MOTHER and not his mother’s boyfriend (or honestly, even if you were legally his stepdad – I’m of a firm belief that stepparenting means you take a step back from the primary parents. You offer support and don’t take over like you have. But, it sounds like you have because his actual parents have created a vacuum that you, as a naturally caring person, have filled.
This is a girlfriend problem, not a pseudo step son.
it’s cute you actually think this is a solution to the problem. ESH
Op, your message is confusing. You mention the girlfriend and then talk about the ex and then the girlfriend in the same line…does the girlfriend work? Or is it an ex that doesn’t work? You didn’t mention if you’re living together. What’s the living situation? It kind of sounds like you live separately?
NTA I went through a similar situation with my ex, her kid was awful, ungrateful and just an out right little shit. It made me resent him and made me dislike my ex as she wouldn’t correct his behaviour and always made excuses. I left and me and my daughter felt like we could breathe again
Maybe he can still go but, she has to pay for him. 🤷🏽♀️
> I went over last night and he didnt even come out to say hi. (RUDE) I dont want an apology I want him out of my life or I want penance.
you want him out of your life but you get mad he doesn’t interact with you? you can’t have it both ways.
Your feelings are valid- but this is her son.
Flip side- you’re dating someone, and that someone wants nothing to do with your kid. How does that impact how you see your future with this person?
Exactly.
Regardless of fault (which it’s obviously this kids fault), your child is your priority. This kid is her child, and if you force her to choose- that’s not going to end well for you.
So, let the emotions settle, and think through some constructive ways to address it with him, and steps for actionable change/consequences for not. Because cutting him off, while justified, is just a death sentence for your relationship with his mother.
He can come if he or your GF pay for him to come. Although I think you are a AH because kids are kids (every photo of my son from age 15-22 he is doing the Zoolander blue steel face) and you can’t cut a kid out of a family. So either find a new family that acts to your expectation or simply ask his mom to pay his way so you don’t build resentment.
NTA… this kid’s behavior is beyond egregious. I mean, who the hell does he think he is, flexing at a goddamn Grand Canyon? His entitlement reeks and it’s time his mom got her shit together to teach him some damn manners. I set clear boundaries with my own kids from day one, respect your elders, appreciate what you’re given, or else deal with consequences. It ain’t rocket science.
By the way, this past year I finally managed to get my son to stop whining about not getting a new bike… by setting up a chore chart that earns him money for savings. Worked like a charm.
NTA but you need to set clear boundaries. Be prepared for fallout too. But from what you’re saying the entitlement is out of this world! I would be livid.
It’s definitely time to set some limits with this child. And he is a child! He needs to learn that! He should deeply apologize to you for the things he has done. If someone took me on a trip to LA, Disneyland and Vegas at 16?, I’d be so grateful omg. I can’t even begin to tell you how grateful I would have been. So yes cut him off.
While I’m sure all this causes frustration, it seems pretty close to the pocket of a 16 year old.
kids and teens fight about the seat on a plane. Adults often have to settle the dispute. That should be on your GF. Also doubt seats were actually assigned, rather randomly picked when booking. Why did your daughter get the row seat?
They try to do stupid shit in family photos
They don’t say thank you often to their own parents let alone the guy mom is sleeping with.
The money thing at the concert seems like a dick move, but could be perceived a number of ways. Did he actually have money?
I think telling your GF the kid is cut off is a massive overreaction. Better to discuss some boundaries around what you provide.
Also realize you’re a divorced with kids dating another person with their own kids. And for a relative blip in each others lives.
Mom should and probably would choose her son if you go to extremes , how about family therapy first , family meeting with boundaries and expectations met , this is terrible teen behavior but it could be worse
NTA. Teenagers can be such a pain but he has been obnoxious and the lying is a concern. He needs consequences for his behaviors asap.
Side note: the subreddit for photoshoprequests (not sure how to link it here) has amazingly talented people and might be able to help you with a fix on the vacation photos in whatever way you think seems best to preserve the memory of your trip. They can correct his pose or remove him from the picture.
NTA.
Soft YTA – He sounds like a typical teenager. You have some parenting to do, but cutting off a 16-year old isn’t going to help anything.
YTA- you are not forced to take this kid on vacations but you do. you are expecting a 16 ear old kid to do pennance for you for what, acting like a 16 year old. if you don’t like the kid just breakup with his mom. the fact that you think you can have the mom without having anything to do with the kid is ridiculous.
Updateme
Where is his mother when he is being a pr ck? She is also responsible for teaching to grow up a likable human.
You got with a ladyvthat has a kid……..your super fucked she will always choose him over you, if you get attached to him you loose when she leaves, you can’t parent or discipline him because she’ll probably be momma bear up in that bitch.
Honestly just break up and find some one else.
I hope you learned your lesson about dating single moms
YTA, he is under 16, still a minor and a big part of the family. The issue isn’t the vacations themselves, the issue is you arent parenting him to show appreciation for these things and respect you. Either parent him yourself, or talk to your wife about her son’s behavior so that she can parent him.
If it makes you feel any better, 16 year olds can be assholes. Some of what he is doing deserves punishment, and I’m guessing your gf is relatively easy on him considering his behavior.
I am very torn… it doesn’t sound like you accurately communicated what you want to do in your title. You don’t want to just cut him off. You want to stop giving him any extras in life until he can learn how to better behave and deserve those things.
If you literally just wanted to cut him off I would say your the Ahole. What your doing simply sounds like being a parent. If he lives off your money and enjoy the privilege of your money than you absolutely have a right to use those facts to stop his sense of entitlement and main character syndrome.
That said as an adult? Guess what you don’t just make him sit at home repeatedly while you take everyone out. Instead you accept more dinners at home. Have your girlfriend cook more. If he asks why you aren’t going out? Tell him why.
He’s deliberately lying to your kids to make them pay for him, he’s behaving like a brat and he’s too damn old to not face consequences. You are absolutely within your right to say that you won’t pay for him to go on expensive trips until he starts to behave better. He’s 16, not a child. If he’s behaving like this, which is clearly a choice he’s making, and you keep rewarding him with fancy trips and paying for all his shit, then you’re enabling him. Time to set some hard boundaries and let him face some consequences. There is nothing wrong in expecting a 16 yo to not lie and behave with a small amount of gratitude towards you when you’re paying for it. NTA.
That boy is a GIFT, to OPEN your mind to your current situation. Odds are that the mother/GF has the same tendencies that her Son/Boy is showing. Good Luck, thank yourself for taking a stand. No one can tell you what to do.
You do kindve sound like the asshole. Flexing in pictures? Not saying thank you enough. Leaving the tv on.. These don’t seem like cut off behaviors. Gf offered to help when she can even tho you make 5x what she makes is also pretty solid.
But it seems pretty clear you don’t like her son. And I’m wondering if you even like her if you’re considering yourself lucky for not being married to her yet.
NTA for being very annoyed with the kid. But the bigger issue is his MOTHER. She’s not correcting his AH behavior on the spot. She should have corrected him when he was bullying your kids and screwing up the photos, and failing that, YOU should have corrected him rather than let him walk all over people. Both of you are enabling his behavior. And kids NEED boundaries. He’s pushing because he’s trying to figure out just how far he can go, which as it turns out, is way too far already.
Sorry but they are a package deal. You either figure out how to resolve the bratty kid problem or just break up with the mother.
PS bonus points to you for helping him when he thought he was about to be a 16yo father. Hopefully he learned something from that scare.
Edited to add: I see from your comments below that you’ve been challenging his behavior but it’s not improving. Perhaps you guys want to try family counseling to resolve some of this. Also don’t go nuclear on him but it is past time to start stating repercussions for dick behavior. You and his mom need to discuss this in private and make sure you’re both on the same page.
It would also be interesting to know if his attitude has gone to hell since you’ve been in his mom’s life, or did he act like a dick before that. Sometimes kids will act out because they either don’t like the BF or are afraid of getting edged out of their mom’s life by a BF. By now he knows what your buttons are and may be banging on them just to piss you off.
Not the Asshole. Tell him personally exactly what you are going to tell your girlfriend.
Spell out everything he did that ruined the trip for you. Ask him why in the world would he expect you to bring him along again if everyone except him will have less enjoyment than if he wasn’t there.
He is old enough to hear the truth.
Make sure your girlfriend will support you on this.
It’s an important lesson for him to learn and will help him be a better person in the future if he chooses to listen and learn.
Your girlfriend’s the one who raised him. It’s not like he was born this way. He acts that way because she’s enabled him all these years. So she should be held accountable too; it’s partly her fault that he behaves like that.
If she doesnt respect you amd continues enabeling her childs bad behavior. Leave her and let them figure it out together. Only two years till he’s 18 and out on his own. Then GF csn re-enter your life on your terms.
Lied so his sisters had to pay for his meal… I used to lie to my sister all the time. I’d say “mom wants you” and then she’d go ask my mom what she wanted. My mom would say wtf are you talking about. Then my sister would come whoop my ass.
YTA