I’m young, i’m 22, but since I was 14, suicidal thoughts kept coming. Today, was one of these day.
My older brother, whose thanks to him i’m a law student and not a failure(i was a few years ago destroying my life but he encouraged me and helped me) told me I was a piece of shit today. That i was disgusting.
My mom told me i was her only failure
and my 2nd brothers told me that i’m still acting like a 14 years old
I’m always being controlled and i actually really want to end it all. The only problem that i have is that i’m afraid, i don’t wanna hurt my friends and family, and i’m afraid of losing the chance to be okay in my life.
My family are sick of me, i didn’t go to uni for the last few months and I’ve been only playing video games with english-speaking people.
I know I suck, i’m extremely messy, i can’t seem to go to my uni, i spend my money for shitty things, I’m gaining a lot of weight and everyone is telling me that. No one takes me seriously cause i’m always that childish,friendly and extrovert girl
But I don’t wanna get help from someone. I feel like it’s all for nothing. I can’t ask my friends cause my mom contacted my closer friends to complain about me and now they all seeing me with pity and i know they wanna help me but it’s currently impossible for me, it’s too hard to let them help me
Idk what to do
Comments
I feel the same about not getting help. I end up feeling the same any way after talking about how I feel. I don’t really know what to say about this but to keep your head up. Only you can do something about your life. It’s a tough world out there. I’m quite young like you too. I start my job tomorrow after be unemployed for months. It’s the same job I hated, but it’s the only one I have left to get back to that I’m used to doing.. I dread it today. I feel for you and I hope you get better days soon. I really don’t want to work again but I gotta help pay bills now or I’ll be homeless. 🙁
You might not understand this, but ending things Is not being in control but the the extreme opposite of control, what you are feeling right now might be a matter of perspective, just take a look at the amount of people fighting for the life you are thinking of throwing away, when you look at things through a different lens things will be different. Jesus never died for you to throw it all away.
Its hard to get help and most often getting help isnt what you need. You probably dont need to vent to a therapist or a friend. Studies have frequently shown that feeling lack of purpose is one of the biggest causation for depression. If you think this might be an issue. Do something for the less fortunate. Go volunteer is a great way. Be active in a social club or something else.
I fought with suicidal ideation for many years. I refuse to get on any medication’s because I’ve always been so against them. But I recently went on some antidepressants and it is so amazing not to wake up every morning disappointed that I woke up and spending a whole day trying to think of a reason not to end it all. I walked away from most of my family a long time ago! Go find your chosen family! 🙏🏼
If you’re feeling like you can’t cope with your current life to the extent that you’re ready to end it, then maybe end it in a different way. Give yourself the opportunity to let go of all the negative things you believe about yourself, and go live a better life for yourself. If that doesn’t work, try it again. Of course there are obstacles, and a price to pay for shaking your current life up, but if you feel ready to end it anyways, why not? Tomorrow will always be different, you can be too. You hold the controller to your life, go make it more interesting!