I have been with my GF for around 3.5 years and she’s great. She’s loving, caring, smart…the whole package.
We were in a long distance relationship for around 3 years. We recently moved in together and I noticed a lot of things that shouldn’t affect me but they do. The shittiest thing about these things is that they’re not in her control, and I feel like a horrible person for punishing her for it.
I am 90% sure she has PCOS. She has almost all the symptoms: very irregular periods, acne, inability to lose fat (especially around the belly, even when she loses weight) , body hair on chest, butt, back etc, and an extremely sharp pain and discomfort during sex.
Her acne, and body hair don’t really affect me that much. However the pain she feels whenever we try and have sex (likely a cyst) is ruining our relationship. I feel like shit every time I think this, but we have never had sex, and maybe never will. Whenever we try, she begs me to not go further than the tip because of how bad it hurts.
Her weight affects me a little bit considering I myself am a relatively fit guy, and have been going consistently to the gym since I was 15, and she has tried to lose her weight before, but it doesn’t work and she eventually gives up and goes back to her old eating habits.
She is extremely emotional, which I alr knew before moving in with her (even though it is worse now that we are together irl) and she gets extremely depressed whenever we fail at having sex, or she’s unable to lose weight. I have always been a supportive BF, and have never made her feel bad about any of this. I don’t want to hurt her, which is why I’ve also never brought up the fact that she may have PCOS. Not directly ofc. I have told her to get checked by a gynecologist, but she just doesn’t want to. She has also considered the possibility of her having a hormonal disorder like PCOS, but the only time she’s ever mentioned it, she broke down and cried for hours before I came home and calmed her down.
I love her and that’s what breaks my heart about all of this. I know that “if I truly loved her, I wouldn’t care about this and support her unconditionally” but ive tried and I just keep thinking about it over and over again.
Please help
Comments
Time to move on mate
I think your only solution, unfortunately, is to move on. Just because a relationship ends doesn’t mean it has to be on bad terms. Sometimes it just doesn’t work. As sad as it is, it sounds like it’s time to breakup and maybe it could be the wake up call she needs
You don’t want to leave your gf because of her health issues, you want to leave because shes unwilling to work on them in a meaningful way. Your happiness matters too, and from the sounds of it you’ve tried your best to help. If someone is unwilling to seek out help or change theres nothing you can do. She obviously has health issues that need to be dealt with and worked on with a real medical professional. If shes unwilling to work on them or get the help needed to start working on them then it’s out of your hands. You have to ask yourself will you be happy in this same situation 5 years from now. Because if she doesn’t want to change she won’t.
I actually have pcos and hypothyroidism so I hope I can help!
First and foremost, if she doesn’t seek help, I do think you should consider moving on. She will not get better unless she finds a good endocrinologist and is willing to make some life changes.
She needs to be on a couple of medications, change her diet and develop a good workout routine.
I have been in great shape with these conditions for years. I had an impossible time losing weight and it affects your mental health horrendously. I was not eating enough, working out like crazy and I wouldn’t lose weight. It’s because without a keto/carnivore/anti inflammatory diet, exercise, and medicine, it’s basically impossible. I completely sympathize with her, but she needs to get help before she can ever get better and happy. Just be gentle and patient and encourage her to get help. If she doesn’t, then you’ll know what you need to do 😔
She might have Mold toxicity.
Move on. Seems like her immaturity and attitude is why she has karma fir her medical issues.
You can’t help those who don’t want to help themselves.
My daughter was diagnosed with PCOS. She has all the symptoms you mentioned.
You don’t want leave your Gf for her medical condition- you want to (& should) leave her because of her refusal to do anything about it. You’re not responsible for her health and you can’t fix it- if she’s not willing to go to a doctor and address these issues- then there’s your answer.
3.5 years is long enough- you deserve happiness and fulfillment from a partner too
This isn’t you not supporting her, this is her intentionally torturing herself by not getting treatment for something that can be eased to the point where it’s almost non existent.
The fact is, you can only encourage her to get help, to get seen by someone who can help her. If she refuses, then it may be best for both of you to move on. If she still pulls the support card, at that point it’s emotional manipulation.
She needs to see a doctor. For her to continue refusing at the cost of intense pain, discomfort and actual impact to her life, it becomes an attention seeking behaviour. I get it’s embarrassing for her, noone loves the gynae, but it’s for her own well being, and if she won’t accept that, there’s not much you can do.
PCOS is a hormonal disorder. Many general practitioners/family med/ Internal med people can help. Not just OB gyn.
Life is long. She should seek a doctor’s care.
Look you cannot fix her and she needs to be proactive about her mental and physical health. She is not willing to try. Pain during intercourse may be due to trauma, which can result in vaginismus. So she needs therapy first and also to see a doctor. There are now meds to help with weight loss and food noise. If she is not willing to do at least the bare minimum of seeking professional help then there is nothing you can do to improve the situation. Staying enables her to not make progress
You can’t make her seek medical help. She’s choosing not to get better. That’s not on you.
1 – encourage her to get diagnosed and treated. Not just for sex but for the whole discomfort of PCOS
2 – explore non-vaginal sex. There’s a lot of body besides that one hole.
3 – try to be in this together rather than you against her.
4 – if a relationship isn’t working, you can go if you want to. But if you want it to work, don’t struggle to make it lake everyone else’s relationship. Make it the best for just the two of you, working with exactly what you’ve got to work with.
This is not how you respond to an obvious medical issue. That’s a dealbreaker for me. You need to give a fuck about yourself enough to seek medical treatment. She doesn’t. I would move along.
You don’t want to leave your gf because she has health issues, you want to leave because she won’t do anything about her health issues. Huge difference.
You do need to sit down with her and have an adult conversation. Maybe look up doctors in your area that could help. Literature that shows her that a diagnosis doesn’t mean her life is ruined. It means she can learn how to make things better for herself. You can show her support and tell her she doesn’t have to do it alone.
If you also want to explain to her how you’re feeling and that she needs to take steps to work on this or you don’t think you guys will work out, I think that would be acceptable too. I wouldn’t make it an ultimatum and definitely be gentle about it.
She needs to see a doc
Everyone has said a lot of great things but I want to stress that there are a lot of fulfilling ways to have sex that aren’t penetration.
Can’t help wondering if the sex thing might be vaginismus.
Thinking that you have to put up with things that negatively affect your life and mental health if you truly love someone is so toxic to yourself. Don’t listen to that mentality. You can love someone and still acknowledge that you aren’t a good fit, or they aren’t meeting your needs. Your gf is being a whiny, dramatic child. If the failed sex life bothered her, she would look for solutions. It’s time for a serious convo where you explain to her that for you to feel like you’re being fair to yourself, you need her to work on solutions to these problems and go see a doctor. That “love” is a give and take and it’s her turn to give. Ffs asking someone to handle their medical problems shouldn’t be this complicated.
It’s okay to think about yourself and your future. If you tried everything you can to get her to take care of herself then there’s nothing more you can really do. If you can’t see a life with her now then what’s going to change in the future? End of the day, you have yourself to take care of
I heard that the glp-1s helped with PCOS.
Hey, I have PCOS, and yes, you’re right—it can be extremely challenging. I recommend adding more foreplay to your sexual interactions; it can make a significant difference. Aim for around 30 to 40 minutes, or even close to an hour, of foreplay before penetration.
However, if you truly feel that way, it might be best to leave so she can find someone who will genuinely appreciate her. You’re a great person for being honest.
Just to say, depending on where you are in the world, the only “treatment” you may be offered for PCOS is birth control. Which probably won’t help most of the problems on your list.
Also, the sex part, I know plenty of women with PCOS where this was not an issue. It may not be related. Has she ever been able to have sex with anyone or is it something different about you?
Could it actually be vaginismus instead? That sounds more likely to me to be honest.
OR – how familiar is she with her own anatomy down there? I ask because my best friend has this exact issue, whenever she and her husband try to have sex, it causes her immense pain, unless she has a special lubricant (she has an allergic reaction to most lubes) AND they have to be in the exact right position (and even then it just goes down to uncomfortably by the way she describes it).
They are currently trying to have a baby so you can imagine how that’s going, but due to fertility issues, she got properly examined there for the first time in her life. Turns out, her uterus isn’t tilted a bit like most, it’s straight up. From what she has been describing for years, I’ve been trying to tell her that he’s hitting her cervix and they need to adjust the angle. She thought I must be wrong because he doesn’t get very far in before hitting it. It’s only now after all this she is finally starting to learn her own anatomy well enough to release that I’m right! (Now, I think there is more to it as well, I suspect she’s not aroused enough either but that’s another story).
So my point is – could something similar be going on, your hitting her cervix and causing her pain that way? That if you angled a bit differently, you would slip around it and not cause pain? Plus lube, lots and lots of lube.
I don’t have pcos, but I have something similar that shares a few of those symptoms.
With that said, if she can manage to lose weight, her symptoms should improve. I’m not sure if they will all improve, for example she may likely still have pain with sex or it might be something that takes more time.
I’m not one to usually recommend this, but glp-1 semiglutides are a thing. Unfortunately PCOS is not something that makes it covered by insurance, but I believe there are other avenues to get it semi-affordably and it may be worth looking into. PCOS can make weight loss more difficult but not impossible.
Diet is going to really be key though, but managing the cravings is also important. Not every diet works for everyone with PCOS but an anti-inflammatory one is what seems popular (like avoiding gluten, added sugar, and highly processed foods).
There’s some great info in this thread. It really all comes down to willpower/motivation on her part. She won’t change unless she really truly wants to. This is coming from someone who has lost 130lbs (with boring counting calories and exercise, calories in/out)
I have endometriosis and hypothyroidism.
If she doesn’t want to seek help, you need to move on. You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves
I obviously don’t know your gf, but as someone with a chronic health condition, it was a really important part of my journey and a turning point when my bf (been together 6yrs) put it in black & white. The gist was him saying “you have this condition and you need to take care of yourself if we want to create a life together”. Which felt like an ultimatum and I got upset at first, but I did need to hear it. And it seems obvious but sometimes just stating things as bluntly as possible is the only way forward.
You should wouldn’t be leaving her cuz of her medical condition, it’s cuz of how she’s handling her condition. That isn’t your fault and it sounds like you’ve been a really supportive partner through all of it. Talk to her outright about everything, explicitly and as bluntly as possible. Can’t walk on eggshells forever. She would probably benefit from therapy; lots of people with chronic health issues need to be in therapy in order to deal with the mental distress that comes along with it.
If she gets upset and becomes unreceptive and unwilling to pursue help, then it may be time to consider moving on. I’m so sorry OP, chronic health issues suck and it’s 100% valid to be affected by them as a partner. It really really sucks to see someone you love struggling that much. It is completely normal and rational to feel how you’re feeling.
Don’t abandon her talk to her work together life is hard