I feel so fucked up for writing this but I had to put my feelings somewhere. I love him but it has been such a constant struggle lately. He listens to everyone except me even if they give him the same advice. He is pretty indecisive and maybe this is traditional of me but I don’t want to be the one in the relationship who has to always make the final decision. He doesn’t know how to put his foot down and say no to people even if it puts me in stressful situations. He always has comments about other guys stepping up and being a man and I want to scream at him because he does the same things. Am I wrong for wanting our marriage to be prioritized over other people and his job? I feel like I have made so many sacrifices and everytime I bring up my feelings he takes them into consideration for a bit because I got to the point of crying and then goes right back to the same patterns. I am at the point of not even wanting to try anymore because I know how capable I am of being okay by myself. I was told having a partner is supposed to make you happy but right now I feel like everytime he does something it triggers a different kind of anger and disappointment I have never felt before. Part of me says its unfair not to try to save our marriage and the other part of me wants to breath a sigh of relief knowing I no longer have to take care of another women’s child. I mean if a grown man is going to be so stuck on what his mommy and daddy want why the hell do you even have a wife? Go back home and live in their basement. And yes. I have brought all of these things up so many times even tried therapy for myself but I don’t think I can hang in there much longer. All I keep thinking about is wanting to have a family and what a shitty example he would be to a child. I feel and sound so heartless but I have tried so hard to get back nothing. Anyway, thanks for reading my rant. I’m just unhappy and feel stuck.
Comments
I’m here to tell you that life is too short to be unhappy. The years fly by so fast. Some relationships just weren’t meant to be. Don’t feel bad move on so you can enjoy life, otherwise you’re wasting it.
If you don’t want to leave without trying to work things out you could always try couples counseling? It might help to have a mediator to try and help get your points across to him in a way that’ll hopefully stick. And then after that you could always be done with the relationship and won’t feel guilty because you made the attempt to salvage your marriage
Leave
Do yiu love him ?
Guy here, opposite situation. I’ll tell you, after a decade with her and having children, I regret the decision of having a family with an immature unfaithful woman and staying with her for over a decade.
If you feel this way now, your husband refuses to change, then divorcing may be your best option. You can’t force people to change. Once you mention leaving, your husband is going to either be OK with it, or going to promise to change, beg or something similar, and in the end…. he won’t. People don’t change their base nature unless something extreme happens.
Quit waiting for him to change. Go be happy.
You’re obviously a caring woman, leave and give that energy to someone who deserves it 🤍
if he won’t prioritize you, you need to prioritize yourself. it’s never too late to make a big life decision like this, especially one for the better.
Try writing this again on a piece of paper. Leave it a while. Re-read. You are going well.
Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Then make him read it
If you’re feeling guilty about this decision, you can take baby steps. Tell him you’re unhappy and you want to separate to sort out how you feel. I think once you get some space and actually get to focus on yourself, the guilt will go away and you won’t feel so stuck about moving forward.
I spent about 5 years out of a 13-year marriage on the fence about whether or not I would leave him. I agonized over it and finally left. Best decision I ever made, and when I look back on it, I was making that decision a lot harder than it needed to be. I already knew. Girlfriend, you already know.
I think if you feel like you’re “hanging in there” then this is not the right relationship for you!
No relationship should feel like an obligation.
You are probably suffering with a ‘sunk cost fallacy’ situation, so I suggest you look that up. Essentially you feel like ‘well I put in all this time and effort I have to make it work’ but actually that is not true. You will probably be happier alone AND/OR perhaps even in future happier with a different person and the time spent is not a waste, you have learned so much from this experience.
I’d probably start making a plan? I am happy to help sound it out with you – if you like? But I guess first you will need to start with finances. Can you afford to move out? Or do you have family you could stay with? Can you start finding a lawyer in your area to kick off divorce actions?
GOOD LUCK OP!
Counseling can repair a relationship or close the door on a bad one. Counseling may reassure you later that the relationship was dead.
You deserve to be happy and, deep down, you know you will never find happiness with him. Nor will you even find peace and contentment. That should tell you all you need to know.
You don’t sound heartless at all. You sound like a woman who has tried all available avenues to get her husband to realise he is killing the marriage, and he just isn’t doing anything to stop it… You have done all you can, and at this point, it’s time to send him back to his parents so they can finish raising him.
Then you can be free to find someone who is a full-grown adult and get to start the family you want, knowing you have a partner beside you to parent the kids with you instead of having no help and an extra man sized child to run around after…
It’s time to do damage control and get a lawyer and all your ducks in a row before you file for divorce.. good luck..
If you are not getting “us against the world” vibes then you’re probably right to leave.
Please don’t tie yourself to a man you don’t respect for minimum 18 years. What’s hard to cope with as just a couple becomes u bearable when you have a child. And you’d be bringing his family even more intimately into your life. Don’t think you won’t find better, it’s not worth settling.
Op— whether you stay or not is completely up to you, but here are some things that you should genuinely consider (some things you’ve already mentioned) about your decision.
Your feelings are valid. What makes you feel as though they aren’t? (Is it him? Outside pressure? Insecurity?) There are multiple times where you seem unsure, don’t be. Whether the feelings are rational or not, it’s important to understand and explore these feelings. They are what make us human.
You’re not wrong for wanting partnership, not parenthood. It’s not “traditional” to want a partner who can make decisions, stand up for the relationship, and not leave you in a constant state of emotional labor. That’s healthy. Wanting your marriage to come before external opinions or work obligations isn’t selfish—it’s foundational.
If you had a child or friend, and knew that they were in a similar position, would you be okay with them facing the same thing you are now? How would you feel on their behalf? What would you tell them?
You’ve already done the hard part: you tried. You’ve brought it up, had conversations, and regardless on whether this was the outcome you expected, this is your reality. Would you be okay knowing your husband didn’t change? That he doesn’t want to, regardless of the position he put you in?
If you’re already this unhappy now, imagine raising a child in this dynamic. You already know deep down that the answer to that thought—“What kind of example would he be?”—isn’t good. And the most selfless thing you can do for a future child is build an environment where love, balance, and respect are modeled daily. Not where one partner is always over-functioning just to keep things afloat. It takes a village to raise a child, and without the help of someone that created (or helped adopt) them, it will be infinitely harder.
You are not stuck. You are scared, and that’s different. It’s okay to be scared. Of being alone. Of making the wrong choice. Of hurting someone you still love. But you’re not stuck. You’re capable. You’re clear-eyed. And deep down, I think you already know what version of you would be the most at peace.
Ultimately what you decide will be on you, but it’s NEVER too late to start over. Please (please) reach out if you need help.
If you want to leave, the relationship is already over.
You don’t sound heartless. You sound like someone empathetic enough to have considered multiple sides —including the potential suffering of your future children—and exercised tolerance to a high level and for a long time. Your concerns seem legitimate from what you’ve shared.
I’m grateful you got it off your chest. It gave insight into my own behavior and how your experiences are hitting home for me. I’m sorry for everything. From me to you. I am aware than An I’m sorry doesn’t fix it. Because actions speak louder than words. And all my actions are in vain. Wishy washy. I know. You’re one hell of an independent, powerful and magnetic person that you would be thriving on your own. If we truly live in a world of projections of self, then it’s perfectly acceptable and encouraged to let go of those that don’t serve your purpose. Because if you’re living in service to others without the fulfillment of seeing growth and abundance, let go. Bonds are never usually permanent. Emotions come and go, and I’ve hurt you enough, instead of changing yourself, and waiting for change, breathe deep and know that you will be the best you can be when you feel like you’re heard and understood. I need to go tell my wife these things now. She’s very disappointed and I’m here typing my feelings to another, just like you said he does. This isn’t a sub for advice, as seen in the rules, yet through sharing your experience, I’ve become aware of mine. I will not go back into my old patterns. Thank you. Live for yourself. K love you bye
I had to stop on about sentence 3 and make sure this wasn’t my post! Girl we’re dealing with the same kind of situation! I feel ya!!
If you’ve already spoke to him about the way you feel and he hasn’t changed his action….. then how will you ever be happy? If a man truly loves you and wants to make the marriage work. He will make these changes for himself and his wife. Happiness is really important in a marriage. No one wants to live a miserable married life. I know deep down you already know what to do, do what’s best for yourself. Do what will make you happy.
The number of happily divorced women I know is staggering.
Woman here, same or similar situation. I highly suggest you take those steps of separation for your safety, definitely delete any locating things y’all might share.
I’m in a complicated position as we share a child, I have no income, and my finances are ruined. Plus I started online classes.Â