I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for 3 years. We have wanted to move in together for over a year now. Things are serious, we have a great relationship, and we would get to spend so much more time together. I want it so badly.
Here’s the issue: my dad is an alcoholic. For 5 years he was living on the side of the road in a filthy camper. It was terrible he got stabbed, beat up, you name it. I was always worried sick. I was able to move him in with me 3 years ago. I take care of his two dogs and my cat (all very expensive and medically needy), help with money, and I drive him to and from work because his license was taken away because of his 4th DUI.
It’s been hard. When he moved in with me the agreement was that he would quit drinking. He has made little to no progress. If I work 7-4 on his day off I’ll ask him to walk the dogs, feed them, and do their meds but when I get home none of that is done which is neglectful and he’s made a huge mess somewhere that he’s too drunk to clean up. During the week because he works things are much better but, being an adult child of an alcoholic, it’s upsetting every time I see him drunk which is any time he had a day off. I try to get him to go to AA, he goes occasionally. He has monthly court mandated counseling but I believe he lies about his drinking when he is there.
I don’t want to put off what I want for a year again but i don’t want my dad to be homeless. He can’t afford a place on his own his bank accounts are negative between paychecks, the only person who offered to rent him a room is his ex wife’s sister who he is “in love with”. I know my dad sucks but he is great when he is sober and he is sick it will hurt me so much if he is homeless again.
My boyfriend’s lease ends July 14 and I don’t know what to do I’m so sad. I can’t kick my dad out but I can’t do this forever.
Comments
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Backup of the post’s body: I (23F) have been with my boyfriend (23M) for 3 years. We have wanted to move in together for over a year now. Things are serious, we have a great relationship, and we would get to spend so much more time together. I want it so badly.
Here’s the issue: my dad is an alcoholic. For 5 years he was living on the side of the road in a filthy camper. It was terrible he got stabbed, beat up, you name it. I was always worried sick. I was able to move him in with me 3 years ago. I take care of his two dogs and my cat (all very expensive and medically needy), help with money, and I drive him to and from work because his license was taken away because of his 4th DUI.
It’s been hard. When he moved in with me the agreement was that he would quit drinking. He has made little to no progress. If I work 7-4 on his day off I’ll ask him to walk the dogs, feed them, and do their meds but when I get home none of that is done which is neglectful and he’s made a huge mess somewhere that he’s too drunk to clean up. During the week because he works things are much better but, being an adult child of an alcoholic, it’s upsetting every time I see him drunk which is any time he had a day off. I try to get him to go to AA, he goes occasionally. He has monthly court mandated counseling but I believe he lies about his drinking when he is there.
I don’t want to put off what I want for a year again but i don’t want my dad to be homeless. He can’t afford a place on his own his bank accounts are negative between paychecks, the only person who offered to rent him a room is his ex wife’s sister who he is “in love with”. I know my dad sucks but he is great when he is sober and he is sick it will hurt me so much if he is homeless again.
My boyfriend’s lease ends July 14 and I don’t know what to do I’m so sad. I can’t kick my dad out but I can’t do this forever.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Let him go where he has a room waiting.
You are not obligated to be your father‘s caretaker for the rest of his life. You gave him multiple years to try and get himself out of his hole and he didn’t. When people tell you something believe them. You gave him an opportunity and he chose not to take it. It’s now time to choose yourself.
It’s not your job to step up and parent your father. He needs to go do his own thing and figure out his life for himself. He isn’t holding up his part of the deal by remaining sober either. It sounds extremely toxic for everyone involved. Like you mentioned he has a room waiting and he should go explore that option and not hold you back from doing what you want to do. Tell him you aren’t renewing the lease and he will need to find a new location to live.
Being a son of alcoholic parents, there isn’t much you can do. You are only enabling him and prolonging the heartbreak. It took cancer to change my parents.
I’m sorry for your situation and heartache.
Enablement.
You have to let your dad hit rock bottom right now you’re an enabler and it’s not helping him
Move in with your boyfriend if you really love him and things are great it’s in no way your responsibility to be your father’s care taker when he is unwilling to actively care for himself while being a alcoholic it’s there choice to be a alcoholic first and foremost above all else including himself everytime. Your father is just using you whether you like it or not. It sucks but a alcoholic will drag you down and not care one bit while doing it. Just give him a heads up that you are planning to move out and that he needs to get his shit together and move out. Trust me. They’ll play every sympathy card that they have. To prevent it from happening. When you start fighting for the life you really want that’s when you get what you truly want out of life. Trust me I been where you are do not lose your life over it.
Sweetheart, you are not your father’s parent. You cannot keep putting your life on hold for an addict who isn’t even trying. It’s someone else’s turn or his turn to grow up.
If you want, put the ball in his court. Give him the address of somewhere to go dry out, if you can find one, or let him go. His demons aren’t your demons.
I’m sorry.
He isn’t going to change and at this point you are just enabling him. If you’re not in therapy and doing. Alanon, you need to be. Give your dad notice, rehome his pets, and then prepare to move. He is an adult. He can manage his life, he just chooses not to. Why should he, when you’ll do it?
I realize he’s sick and you don’t want him to suffer, but how long are you willing to postpone your life, and are you willing to lose your love in the process? It’s hard to choose yourself, but at some point you’re going to have to. It would be one thing if he was an active participant in his recovery, but he’s not, and he won’t be as long as he doesn’t have to be. You also have to be prepared not to blame yourself if he never gets better. Some people don’t. If you don’t have therapy or a support group of people to help you through it yet, I hope you can find some soon.
If he has a room he can rent then let him go there. You are not required to carry this man on your back the rest of your life just because he refuses to get his shit together. At this point you are enabling him, he neglects to do the things he is supposed to because he knows you will pick up the slack.
At some point you need to focus on your life and your future. You don’t want to wake up one day and realize you have wasted years of your life running behind someone who doesn’t care enough to take getting sober seriously. Come July move in with your bf and change your number. I think you could do with a little space from your dad. Because hearing the latest mess he managed to get himself in will only upset you. You need to find peace and happiness in your life and having him in your life will only GUARANTEE that will never happen. I’m not saying make it permanent necessarily but go no contact for a little while to allow yourself time to breathe and figure out exactly what you want for your life and future.
You aren’t responsible for your father’s addiction, period. You’re inadvertently being his enabler and he doesn’t have to stop drinking because you take care of him. You need to do what makes you happy and Alanon, which has free support meetings for relatives of alcoholics can give you support and help!
I was you when I was 26, I am now 33. My father was an alcoholic, was not homeless, but he had our house in foreclosure, and I was left in the house with him, and my 2 young children by myself when my mother moved out, for 3 months.
I say with the the most honesty as possible. It was the worst time for myself. You can not control someone who does not want help, at all. You can try try try again but it will drain you so much to the point where you do not know who you are. The most you can do, is hope he will get the help he needs. If you can, pleas get power of attorney over him for being unstable. That is what I was doing until he unfortunately passed away. Please don’t feel bad about leaving him, just love him from afar, and maybe check in him once a week if you can. I am so sorry you are going through this….
Sadly you can’t help someone when they’re not willing or ready to be helped.
You’ve done everything in your power to give your dad the best opportunity to get clean and sober, but he still can’t do it when he has 1 day off, or you’re not home.
He can’t even take care of his dog on the one day he has off. Even drunk people should know their dog needs feeding, and can take them for a walk early in the day before getting too drunk, but he can’t even manage that. He can’t even take care of his dog by feeding him or taking him for a walk or letting him in the garden for the 1 day he’s off and you’re at work.
That to me shows a huge lack of respect for how much help you’re providing him. He’s not thankful enough to do the 1 thing you’ve asked of him on his day off, even before he gets too drunk.
The fact you got him off the streets, saved him from being beaten and stabbed and at risk etc, you’ve given him a safe warm home, a bed, food, clothing, taking care of his dogs financial needs of food and meds. You take him to work and back to keep him employed.
Yet he can’t do one thing to help you on his day off before getting too drunk.
Some people just won’t change no matter how much you help him.
And you’re putting your life on hold in order to keep him afloat when he’s not doing anything to help himself or you.
You should speak to adult social care to see if he’s entitled to reduced housing costs, or benefits, and see if he could get reduced housing.
Otherwise I’d be looking for a room he can rent in a shared house that’s close to his work so he can walk or take a bus.
Help set up direct debits for his rent to be paid and any other bills so he doesn’t spend his wages on drink before his bills are paid etc.
But you’ve given him 3 years to try and get sober. But he doesn’t want to. Yes it’s a disease, and an addiction, but he’s not ready to accept the help and the support services that are available to him to get better. He’s not talking properly to his court ordered therapist. He’s not going to AA.
I think you need to start putting yourself first, and tell your dad that he needs to start trying to help himself, and that when he’s ready to really work on his addiction, you’ll help him how you can, by taking him to AA, or the drs, or social services to see what support he can get like going to rehab etc. But don’t keep giving him money coz it will just be spent on drink etc.
Even if you delayed moving for a year, he still won’t be sober and ready to live alone. You need to focus on your own life now.
My ex was an alcoholic…. Life was pretty difficult when he was in it because of his drinking. He just couldn’t put the bottle down. Your dad is not going to change. He didn’t care when he was living on side of the road in a camper and made no effort to change his lifestyle. Do you wanna be taken care of him for the rest of your life while he puts a damper on yours because he can’t clean up his act? Let the man go he is using you and doesn’t care how far he drags you down.
Let him rent a room and go about your life. You have to keep thwm at a distance.
I don’t know. Your position is impossible. I am so sorry.
I am concerned that you may be enabling his disease. Letting someone go is so painful. You can’t make him stop drinking. He is going to do that when he is ready. Keeping him going with no boundaries is just taking you down with him.
Go to some Al Anon meetings. You are not alone in this.
Oh, easy! Just move in with your boyfriend, leave your dad to figure it out on his own, and hope for the best! No big deal.
It’s either him or you OP. Choose.
Let your dad go live where there’s a place waiting for him. Whether or not your dad actually decides to do something about his drinking is entirely up to him.
You can’t save him, and you shouldn’t spend the rest of your life trying to. It’s a tough situation, but that’s how it is. Waiting and trying to get your father to take responsibility for his life is just going to keep chipping away at yours indefinitely.
Live with your boyfriend but take the animals with you. Those dogs will die if they stay with him.
Can you look into Al-anon meetings for yourself? As many people have already commented, you are putting more effort into his recovery than he is, and you need to stop. Until he is ready to change, all your effort is wasted. You cannot continue to put your life on hold to try to keep him together. Get support from other children and family members of alcoholics because they know what you are struggling with, and they can help you step back and let him be responsible for himself.
OP, my dad was an alcoholic as well and I, too, spent years still living at home trying to help him and the family. Being a carer around someone who doesn’t want to be cared for burns you up little by little from the inside. OP, you are so young still and you have so much potential to live a normal life, please don’t lose that opportunity.
You cannot keep burning yourself to keep someone else warm. I am sure, in his lucid moments, your dad wants you to look after yourself and choose yourself over him.
Honestly you should have kicked him out when he broke the boundary of no drinking. What you’re doing by allowing him to stay there and drink is you’re telling him it’s ok.
Have you looked into AL-ANON if not you really should. It’s a support group for those that love someone with addiction struggles. It will teach you how to love your dad but how to stop enabling him. There is an app, they have online groups, they have articles, there are forms like Reddit where you can ask questions. Please look into it.
You need to live your life, and you need to let him live his. No matter where he ends up. No matter how much it scares you, you need to let him experience the bottom. Unfortunately it seems that being homeless wasn’t his bottom. Only he can make the choice to change.
Allowing him to continue living with you while drinking. It hurts everyone.
Don’t feel guilty. These are his choices. He has the tools. He is choosing to not work through. Because why would he, he’s being taken care of right now. He has all his needs met, and he gets to check out.
Please learn that it’s ok (and often healthy) to put yourself first. There is NO need to be guilty.
Your dad won’t be homeless. And you can’t keep putting your life on hold when your father isn’t interested in making it better. Making him someone else’s responsibility sounds better. But if you can, keep the pets, he shouldn’t have them.
Alcoholism is a disease, his brain does not have a cut off mechanism for the sensation. However he is an adult man that is fully capable of making the choices to be a good father, and a functioning member of society. At some point you need to realize enabling him to drink on the weekends by offering zero consequences for his bad choices isn’t helping anyone. Not you and not him. Get some family therapy, a couple sessions to help you tell him that you can no longer parent him and he needs to grow up and fix his life. You don’t have to cut him off but it’s time to allow yourself the grace to have a life of your own.
You are not helping him. As much as you love him, you cannot help him. He has to help himself, and he actually needs to want to help himself. You are a crutch for him. He is using you so he doesn’t have to stand on his own two feet. This situation is not going to improve. Is this what you want your future to be? You are so young. Don’t let him ruin any more of your life than he already has. He will break your heart over and over. I am a child of an alcoholic father. You have to let go for your own peace. I am so sorry.
If his ex sister in law has a room for him, take him there, settle him in and move in with your boyfriend!
Simples!
Updateme!
The only way to help your dad is tell him if he wants to stay he needs to get on the shot that makes drinking impossible if he says no. You
Know what you
Gotta do. Because he just choose booze over you
I know easier said but choose now do you want to give up your life to stay with your dad who refuses to do basic things or help himself or care for you to what? Waste your life until he’s gone and be bitter.
Or live your life and understand only he can help himself and he doesn’t want to.
Also you aren’t really actually helping him anyway you are actually enabling him and indirectly helping him drink and live how he is. So even your own well being aside you aren’t even doing a good thing for him
You can’t put your life on hold for your dad or you’re gonna be stuck there forever. You deserve to be happy with your boyfriend unfortunately your dad‘s an alcoholic and until he’s ready to change and his sick and tired of being sick and tired he’s not gonna change. He hasn’t hit rock bottom yet. Maybe losing you and everything else will allow him to hit rock bottom and get the help he needs. Maybe becoming homeless and losing the pets will make him realize what he had with you, he squandered and now he needs to make a change. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know how difficult it has to be. There are resources out there for people who are living on the streets. I work with people in active addiction who are homeless and living on the streets I do outreach with them and help them get fed. Get wound care get hygiene products. Get other basic necessities and try and get them to go to AA or NA meetings. For some of them being on the streets is their rock bottom and what they need to turn their lifes around.
I know is your father and that tear you apart to think of him being homeless but you’ve done your part you’re only cosigning his bullshit right now and enabling him to continue living the way he is. You deserve to be happy and you move forward with your life . Let your father know that you’re moving in with your boyfriend and that it’s time that he has to figure life out for himself. I know this is gonna be probably the biggest and most difficult decision of your life, but you’re saving your own life and you may well be saving your father’s in the long run
You are sacrificing your life and happiness for a drunk. He’s not going to get better. He’s already hit bottom when he was homeless and stabbed, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about you or your nice home or his pets – all he cares about is drinking. You’re throwing away your future for this.
Please don’t put your life on hold, let him move in with the sister.
Life is short. Live yours now before you’re old and full of regrets ❤️🩹
you’re breaking your own heart by believing that he’s going to change; he lies to you all the time. you enable the behavior by being his keeper. he’s had many chances to do right by his child, he refuses to do so. you need to live your life and not feel guilt about your actions.
sometimes we have to let people hit rock bottom.
Just curious. Where’s your mom?
Hand him off to the ex’s sister, move on and live your life. Don’t look back. If you keep enabling your dad he’ll be your responsibility till he dies and do you really expect your b/f to wait that long?
You’re not really helping your dad, you’re enabling him. Especially by allowing alcohol in your house which seems like a crazy choice, and letting him continue being the same alcoholic he was before but now under your roof. You’re just helping him to have a place to get drunk that isn’t in an alley somewhere. He has to want to change. If he doesn’t then he’s just gonna be a burden on you for the foreseeable future.
You give your dad 2 months notice to find a new place. You are not responsible for him! And he will continue to use you and ruin your life if you let him. You can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved Hun
You owe your dad nothing, especially since he refuses to do anything to get help for himself. You MUST put your own life back on track and stop living it around an addict and loser. He has chosen this life and that is HIS problem. Tell him you are moving and what he does with himself is completely up to him because YOU ARE DONE ENABLING HIM. That is exactly what you’ve been doing. He will never change or improve as long as you enable him. Time to walk away. “But family” is a stupid reason to tolerate this bullshit. If he ends up homeless again that is on him. He had ALL THIS TIME with you to clean himself up and do the right thing. He’s done nothing. Please OP it’s time to walk away.
Baby, your father isn’t going to get better as it is now. You are doing everything you can to support him, and he is still feeding his addiction.
You need to let him go and stay with the woman who offered him the room
I would call her personally and tell her you are going to not be able to house him at x time.
You need to make peace with the father you love being gone. There is nothing you can do or say to save him. You must live your life.
Maybe take his dogs with you if you can, though, since he seems unwilling to take care of them.
I’m so sorry. 🙁 Please make sure you are in a support group for family members of alcoholics, it will really help.
You cannot stop living your life to parent your parent. You had rules in place to live with you and he followed none. Not to mention that each time you see him drunk, it takes a toll on you. It breaks your heart.
You can’t keep going like this.
Right now he doesn’t want to get better and you need to start protecting yourself from this. It isn’t fair on you, because whatever you choose, you’ll feel guilty. Know that this is just your empathy and not you actually doing anything wrong.
Edit to add: please look into al-anon meetings for yourself. Dealing with addicts is incredibly hard and having a group of people that understand to talk to could be very helpful
I burnt my life for an alcoholic father.
The night I came home to find him dead on the floor in our living room is the night I could finally breathe.
In my heavily biased opinion? Fuck ’em.