I’m going to vent here, and I’d appreciate honest feedback if I’m doing something wrong.
A year ago, I met this beautiful girl, and we started talking for a few weeks before going on our first date. First 3 months, amazing. fun, exciting. I was even there just thinking “if I ever am able to keep this girl interested, I’d be a lucky man”. Fast forward, 2 months later, we get into a relationship. This is where it starts to go down hill.
Little bit of context, I’ve never been in a relationship before, I’ve only been single, and didn’t know how to commit to people prior. I always enjoyed my own space, even now. Just hanging out, doing whatever, it’s how i’ve been my entire life. Now, we started calling everyday, texting everyday (normal I know) but it slowly ate at me. I didn’t like the clinginess that started to happen. I broke up with her, I was brutally honest, I was always communicative. I told her I didn’t feel in love with her (I felt like the worst fking human being ever). I don’t control how I feel, it naturally felt like this. I gave it 1.5 months to feel indifferent but it was the same.
I feel personally, that It became a “chore” and responsibility to upkeep while being in a relationship, being on the phone constantly, having to see and make plans twice a week was draining. It took away from my own personal peace and quiet time. I started to find flaws like our humor didn’t align. After sleeping together I’d get clarity (like I’ve always gotten when single) but less with her i’ll be honest. But still felt like I wanted to be alone right after.
Anyways we broke up about 4-5 months into us talking so about 3 months in a relationship. We’ve kept in contact. Talked once a month for a while, until recently starting sparking things up, we talked over a bunch of things, the root cause, why I’m feeling the way I did. (I told her that it was because I was overwhelmed, loved my personal space, that caused me to spiral and not want to be in relationship. She’s willing to meet me and have a deeper conversation about it all, and ultimately I feel like I want to take things way slower, start loving each other as friends, build it from the ground up, not the fairytale bs I had started with initially.
Now do you think I’m going about this the right way? I took the entire year to self reflect, I’ve narrowed it down to these traits of mine. I think its mainly the ( i enjoy my own space a little too much ) and that led me to resent her because I felt like she took that away from me? I’m a novice when it comes to relationships, I need some honest advice
TL;DR: I want to start seeing my ex again, but not sure because I enjoy my own space, at peace the most when alone, but maybe my lack of experience in relationships and how scary it is made me feel less in love with her over time as it took away from who I am as person who enjoys his own company.
P.s (Also i’m an avoidant attachment style if that helps)