This is going to be a barrage of text so I do apologise for the length of it.
I (F26) grew up being a part of the cult my mom (F55) is still very actively involved in. Ever since I was a child, I’ve had a lot of fear instilled in my about god and sinning. We used to go to the weekly cult gatherings where we prayed to the “goddess” (a woman whom the community believed had come to earth to save us at the next rapture). As a child, I felt blessed to have been able to see god in human form. (As an adult now I think what the actual fuck?).
For example, one time, I accidentally broke a talisman she bought for me and had tied onto my hand while I was playing. She beat me for an hour – blaming me for breaking it on purpose and that I would now be punished for my actions by our “goddess”. The next morning, at around 4/5 am I woke up to her crying at the floor next to where I was sleeping because she was feeling guilty for the previous evening. This is just one instance out of the many that I can recall.
Any nsfw stuff in visual media or literature was taboo. There was so much shame in me when I discovered what porn is. And I definitely thought I was condemned when I learnt what masturbation was and, to my horror, enjoyed it. All my actions as a child and teenager had revolved around not sinning.
We had always been very close when I was a teenager because she would confide in me – all the abuse she’d received at the hands of my father’s family, my deceased elder sister, etc. I had always been her champion whenever my dad would fight with her because I stood up for her (even though she would then admonish me to not be rude to my father). I now know that it was basically her using me as a replacement for a partner and a friend.
When I entered uni, I started questioning my faith. It didn’t make sense to me that our “goddess” would wish me ill if I made mistakes. That striving to be a good person didn’t matter if you have committed acts of sin. My mom was definitely distraught because I was not as involved in the cult practises any more. She was certain that I would not be joining her amongst those that would be “saved” once the world was ending.
I was raped by two men in my sophomore year. I do not know how it is that I made it through because I had been a suicidal wreck since my teenage years. It took me great courage to even tell my mother about it – because I wanted to report it. She told me to never tell anyone else about it and that we would never speak of it. When I argued, she said that this happened because I’d been led astray, that I wasn’t as devoted as she was, that I let this happen to me because I am a sinner. That was the defining moment for me wrt my faith. I didn’t want a god who decided to forsake me in such a manner. It was also the moment my relationship with her fractured. I refused to be her confidant and once I graduated and started working, I slowly began distancing myself from all matters of my home. I refuse to listen to her whine and complain while she does nothing to change her situation in her abusive marriage to my father.
In 2022, I tried to kill myself twice. My therapist had to break confidentiality and inform her of those attempts and ask her to secure my sleep medication and any sharp objects in the house. My mom told my therapist it was because I had lost my faith that I had come to this. That she’s had it worse than me and she was never tempted to end things.
I have been in therapy for almost 3 years now. I have come to understand that she has narcissistic tendencies and that she may never admit to her faults much less apologise for them. My therapist has asked me a question : about what it is that I want to do wrt my relationship with her. I have no answer to this. I don’t think our relationship can be mended but I do wish to find out if there’s a way to stop being angry at her.
It’s exhausting.
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Please please please I BEG you to read or listen to Adult children of emotionally immature parents for you to get clarity on where you stand and HER capacity, then Nedra Tawwab’s Drama Free, then put your boundaries in place my dear, don’t condemn yourself to more years of going back to a poisoned well to drink bitter water, it’ll be hard at first but once you get that clarity and work it out with your therapist you will be so much happier and at peace not availing yourself to someone that was ok with you being put in those positions.
> I don’t think our relationship can be mended but I do wish to find out if there’s a way to stop being angry at her.
There’s your answer, then. And that’s what your therapist can help you work on – not necessarily ridding yourself completely of your entirely justified feelings over what you’ve been through, but giving you coping and channeling strategies so they don’t consume you.
You do need to be prepared that there may not be a way to do that and keep your mom in your life, though. Or at least not in more than very limited and carefully controlled situations you can end immediately if she can’t engage with you on anything other than religious or victim-blaming terms. Sometimes the easiest way to let go of anger is to just stop your exposure to the thing that keeps upsetting you.
I’m so sorry you have been through various forms of abuse since you were very young.
Your mother is brainwashed and as long as she is in that cult, she will remain as she is.
A good friend of mine went from being spiritual to deeply religious and now sees almost everything as impure and everyone as sinners. She has distanced herself from me because I told her that I do not want to live my life in fear of God. She judged me for having a different opinion so I’ve decided to keep my own distance now too.
First thing first, I feel like you need to forgive yourself. You are holding so much shame from being indoctrinated, but none of it was your fault. You have a right to live freely and within your truth, not someone else’s ridiculous fear based rules.
If your mother is a narcissist then that would be the final straw to stay as far away as possible. She will always be the victim in her mind, and she will always be right in her mind. Don’t argue or try to change her perspective. It won’t work and you’ll end up even more drained and sad than you are now. Pick those battles carefully.
You can love your mother from a safe distance and without direct contact. Protect yourself and keep pushing forward on your healing journey. You have overcome so much so don’t give up.
I’m sorry you’ve had all this happen. Are you still seeing a therapist? They can be so helpful. Also check out r/raisedbynarcissists for more support.