I (22m) deeply regret my actions. Very long story short from ages 14-17 I was a gooner.
At 15 I had hit my breaking point, moved schools, lost all my friends, counselor abandoned / forgot about me, dealing with domestic issues and divorce at home as a teetotaler etc.
During that time I discovered candid shooting / “candids” aka creepshots and a large community surrounding it. To them it was a hobby, akin to fishing. Shortly after I became one myself. It then proceeded to consume my entire life 7-8 hours a day for the next 2 years.
- I would film 2-3 hours a day, edit and organize, etc. Had built myself a fool proof filming rig, backup plans in place, spreadsheets, TB of OC material, all organized and indexed and built of a collection that I never shared
Thankfully Covid happened I was sent home and had time to think. I decided that life wasn’t for me. I took a sledge hammer to everything. It’s been 5 years and has been clean since.
Fast forward years later I’m swiping on a dating app and I see a girl that I had a “collection” of in school and a wave of shame set in. I worry about hiding this secret for the rest of my life. Living with the guilt and shame that comes along with it.
I am thinking of starting therapy for the main thing that drove me (OCD) but worried about being charged.
Comments
At least you’ve stopped now. It’s good to have feelings of guilt and shame about it. It makes you unlikely to ever do it again. If you ever do get tempted, just remember how awful you feel now, and let that stop you from doing it again.
Find things that help you to improve your feelings of self-worth, though. Charity work is always a good place to start. Or just small random acts of kindness.
A therapist would be a great idea! They wouldn’t charge you. The only time they’d go to the law is if you intend harm to yourself or others. They would help you work through your guilt and help you better understand your behaviors, and how to prevent them in the future.
Good work getting clean. Now, therapy is the next step toward long-term sobriety.
If you’re still worried about 1:1 therapy, try starting with support groups. I guarantee you’ll find one out there, and help you rebuild community in a healthy way.
I mean, we can’t even just live life without some creep doing shit like this to us for their own selfish gratification.
Good thing you were a dumb kid, and not a shitty adult doing this.
Go out in life and do good things for people now.
Puberty is wild. Sounds like you’ve grown out of this. Don’t get too caught up in the mindset that you’re permanently a creep because of what you were into in the past. Good to regularly reflect on your growth and hold yourself accountable with boundaries moving forward. But try to move on from the guilt. Guilty exists to motivate you to change and it sounds like you’re already well on that path.
I wouldn’t be concerned about being charged.
Five years clean, filled with regret and shame, seeking therapy but fearing legal consequences still.