EDIT: I appreciate the kind words from you commenters. I wrote this post on an emotional whim today and realized I’d never vocalized what I feel about all this. I know I am allowed to forgive myself, and let the past go. But it’s there, and I’m fighting that battle. It’s gotten better over time, and I know it will continue to get better. I have told my Wife about my experience with COCSA but she’s the only person I’ve told in my life. She has helped me tremendously, I owe my current life and accomplishments to her. Our song is Lady May by Tyler Childers. She mostly thinks it’s because her birthday is in May, but it’s the lyric “I’ve seen my share of trouble, and I’ve held my weight in shame. But I’m baptized in your name, Lovely Lady May.” That symbolizes what she means to me. I love her and I try my best to love myself. Thank you all again, you’ve helped me today more than you know. And also more than I knew I needed. Cheers.
Throwaway account. Ramblings below.
I am a 31yo M. I grew up with an unhealthy obsession with sex.
It started around six years old. There was a girl “A” a grade above me in a family that we got together with frequently (multiple siblings in same grades as her siblings) that brought me to her basement and taught me to french kiss, and at one point she told me to take my pants off but I did not, I do not remember why. At the time I thought I was lucky for this happening to me.
The next time they were at our house swimming, we were kissing again but this time she made me watch her go to the bathroom. And then my sister came upstairs so “A” started yelling at me to get out. My sister came in and scolded me, I was trying to explain that “A” told me to but she denied it. I do not remember any punishment aside from being yelled at but I also don’t remember really seeing their family much after this.
I learned in my mid 20s that this was COCSA.
As a result, I assumed that this was normal behavior. I repeated this behavior with other girls around my age (I can only remember one specifically but I’m not ruling it out).
I began masturbating in 5th grade and would brag about it in school, but never understood why I didn’t have any friends.
Then came puberty, I hit a huge growth spurt and by the time I was in 8th grade I was 6ft. So on top of constantly being a perv I was freakishly tall and overweight with glasses and a stupid haircut. I was bullied relentlessly for looks alone, and the few “friends” I did have I was an asshole to. During this time, I still had the belief that kids my age were having sex. And since I was the class loser, that meant I wasn’t. I was so desperate for it that any girl I spoke to I would turn the conversation sexual, not realizing how gross I was, and being angry everytime I was turned away. I was convinced I’d never get a girlfriend until I met “C”
I met “C” doing a play at the local library. She was homeschooled but was coming to our middle school that year. She was pretty, and when I heard she liked me I became determined to be with her because I thought “FINALLY! I’m going to get laid and be the MAN!”. We would message online any chance we could, and you guessed it, it would be about sex. Disgusting shit, I would tell her what positions I wanted to do, and just beg and beg for nude pictures. Then would be angry that she never did. Girls in our friend group knew how I was, and would tell her how gross I was. I continued to pry for her to entertain my depravity and she would give in begrudgingly (not to the extent of letting me manipulate her into photos thank god). Then her parents found the messages, and therefore told my parents. I was grounded for this and my parents were very upset with me, but you know what they didn’t do? Explain to me that it wasn’t normal. I didn’t think I was the problem, I thought her parents were. Shortly after this I did “date” another girl but I never did any of this to her. I don’t know why, I’d like to believe it’s because I respected her (and I do, she was a very nice girl) but I’m sure I was just more afraid of getting in trouble.
I ended up transferring schools after freshman year, the bullying I experienced ramped up to a whole new level. This was nothing to do with my behavior, by this time older brother caused major drama in the highschool (accusing the athletics department of discrimination) and transferred to another district. My other siblings were already graduated so I was the only one left, and I had a huge target on my back.
Things at the new school were actually pretty good, a lot bigger student body and I was lucky enough to fall in with the semi-popular crowd. I lost my virginity sophomore year to girl I had known for 3 days, so again, I believed that it was supposed to happen that quick.
Senior year I had my first “serious” girlfriend we’ll call “H”. We had sex often so of course I was in love with her. She broke up with me on 4th of July while we were watching fireworks. And I was wrecked, lost any self respect I had built and lost all my friends.
I began to make new ones though, from a completely different crowd of people I normally hung out with. I started smoking weed around this time and honestly that opened my mind and cleaned up my act. In this new group I befriended a girl I’ll call “T” and to this day she’s one of my best friends. I never attempted anything sexual with her, she had a rough enough upbringing that I just wanted to be a positive part in her life. For most of our 20s we would like siblings, always running errands together or playing video games, shit like that.
At some point I reconnected with some people from my old school, one of them being “C”. We hung out a few times and had a brief sexual relationship. During this time I learned about her life after I left the area, she had a string of shitty boyfriends and it turned out her mother was abusive to her as a child before she came to our school. She was isolated before this.
That’s when it hit me.
She had so much darkness in her life during her childhood, and the first time she was allowed to make friends….I was there pressuring her into sexual situations. I felt so horrible. I skewed her view of a relationship and led her down the path of relationships she was in. I ruined it, I ruined her life.
Our situationship ended at some point and we were just friends for a bit. One night after hanging out I told her how horrible I felt. She told me it wasn’t my fault but I know it was. I started dating someone as did she and we drifted apart.
She’s married to an awesome dude with a kid on the way now.
I have learned that my childhood experience wasn’t normal, and do my best to take care of my mental health. I no longer have an unhealthy view of sex.
Through my best friend “T” I met a girl “B”.
“B” had a child from a previous relationship and that scared me but we started dating.
We got married last summer, and I have a beautiful 9yo step daughter that I am terrified will meet a little boy like me.
Life is pretty good nowadays. I have a family, just bought a house, good job, nice vehicle, and the crippling shame I feel every day the moment I wake up and the moment I fall asleep.
I don’t deserve this life.
Comments
Just do your best to be a good person. We can’t change our past, but we can control our future.
You can’t change the past and much of what you blame yourself for was impact from what someone else did to you. Great job identifying it and wanting to get better for yourself and others. We all need to keep working and striving to be better people in many aspects of our lives.
God damn, this hit me. Look, OP, the things you ended up doing weren’t necessarily your fault. The fault goes to the girl that made you watch her, and there’s no telling who’s fault it is that she was that way. Your parents also should have parented you better with that situation. I’m also going to let you in on something big. The girl that you feel like you ruined the life of? At least 90% of the relationships she had after you was due to her upbringing – it often is. I’m 29, and all I can seem to date is toxic people. Know why? All I saw my mom date is toxic people. The parenting we get as children has almost everything to do with the way we turn out – even in the smallest ways you may not expect. Please don’t hold onto this guilt for the rest of your life. It’ll be like a poison, and I’m sure you’d rather live a long life with your new wife and stepdaughter. Let go of it for you and them.
Edited for typos
You obviously didn’t ruin that woman’s life. She’s happy and married with kids on the way. You need to learn that shame and guilt are the only two emotions that we have been conditioned to feel. Every other emotion is something we were born naturally able to feel. You think a baby feels ashamed after shitting its diaper? The best thing you can do is to think through your past and accept that there were things that you did that you wouldn’t have done if you were the person you are now and then move on.
That crazy but I think it is not your fault, At such an early age, it’s hard to realize that you’re wrong about something and that you’re doing something wrong.Good luck and I think you can get rid of this condition(sorry for my bad English)
She sexually harassed you
The fact that you’ve had this much self reflection and have felt guilt is proof that you are not a bad person. You were a child who it seems was let down by a lot of people who should have mentored you and supported you. You did some bad things but guess what? You’re not that person anymore. The guilt has done its job of helping you improve yourself. You are deserving of happiness and human connection. If you want closure, you can try reaching out and apologizing to some of these people and I would recommend going to therapy to process your childhood. It would likely feel good to get it off your chest in a safe environment.
As for your step-daughter, all you can do is be there for her and support her. Make sure she knows what is safe and healthy behaviour and what isn’t! Wish you the best.
You DEFINITELY deserve that life! It wasn’t your fault! We can’t help that sometimes we are dealt a bad hand but that shouldn’t be a determining factor in the quality of life one lives therein! I honestly hate that that happened to you as a child because those are the incremental moments that ultimately affect who we become jn life BUT I’m glad and overjoyed for you that your story has a happy ending!
Well start now.
You learned how to grow into the man you are today. Be cautious, respectful and helpful for this step daughter you have and understand that you were just a boy. Now you’re a man, and I’d say you’re a pretty decent guy brother, don’t dwell in the past.
Learn from it all and be a good person NOW.
Bro, psychopaths don’t feel guilt. Crazies don’t feel guilt. Normal people feel guilt. You’ve loved with your elementary and middleschool and high-school years woth that knowledge and you acted on it in a positive way, at least no embracing it and trying to trick or entrap future girlfriends. An actual unforgivable person doesn’t feel guilt or remorse about.it. they don’t think about it past the event. You are good man. Just obviously don’t do it again, which everything points to you NOT doing that.
You 100 percent deserving of the life you have now. Your parents knew of your issues and didn’t get you professional help. my parents were the same way the thing you can do is teach your stepdaughter about men and sex. You have came a long way .
I pretty much had the same experience only it was a older girl a friend of the my families daughter I don’t remember her touching me but she would have me rub myself maybe we kissed I don’t really remember I know I was young then 6i remember this because I turned 6 after we moved to a new town
I do remember being at a park with her and our parents the park was like a Island with water around the whole thing to get to the bathroom you had to cross a wooden suspension bridge across the water . So me her and another boy were playing and she wanted us to go with her to the bathroom o was scared of crossing the bridge they left me behind about the time I did get across it they were coming back and she told me that they had been doing what her and I normally did. anyway I think that really fucked me up pretty much the same story as yours though school
You’re being way too hard on yourself. You were a stupid kid, and now you’re not. You definitely didn’t ruin C’s life, her mother did that.
You’re carrying a lot of guilt, but what truly matters is that you’ve recognized your past mistakes, taken accountability, and changed.
You were a child when this started, shaped by experiences outside your control, and lacked the guidance to understand what was wrong. When you finally realized it, you took responsibility. That’s what defines a good person.
The fact that you now want to protect your stepdaughter from similar experiences shows how much you’ve grown. Instead of punishing yourself forever, use your past to be the best role model for her.
You don’t need to be perfect to deserve happiness. You are not who you were, and it’s okay to forgive yourself.
Sense of humor
I think the fact you’ve acknowledged that you had a rough past and aren’t trying to make excuses for yourself is the first step to healing. You were a kid, and there’s nothing you can do now but continue to be a good person.
I don’t really have much to say other than you experienced COCSA and part of the reaction some children have to being abused like that is hypersexuality. It’s a trauma response. I would recommend you to seek some therapy if you haven’t already. You’ve turned your life around already but still, it will help your guilt.
And you alone didn’t cause C to end up in abusive relationships. Her mother did. She abused her long before you showed up and THAT is what taught her what “love” was and what to expect. Abuse survivors will often seek out abusive relationships because it’s familiar. You were a child who was seeking a familiar situation as well.
You were not a perverted child. You were a traumatized child.
You are OK. There is room for healing. We all become better humans by awareness & making changes.
You can use your past to support & help others.
The world needs you!
Those 5 letters (words) fucked up my ENTIRE LIFE… cocsa…. I’m a woman… the horrors that I thought were just the way things were supposed to be" and so allowed myself to be subject to…
BUT. I have a wonderful life, NOW… and I have for decades. I don’t feel guilty about it. Because not only do I deserve it, but I WORK HARD, and have done for many years, to maintain it… AND to keep a mind and heart of gratitude.
You and I are the fortunate ones, my friend. And that’s ok.
Perspective and introspection = growth.
Use both now to show Grace to everyone you come into contact with from this point forward. And maybe most importantly , forgive yourself.
All that shittyness that occurred as ugly as it was let you to where you are right here, right now. Embrace what’s present now. It seems like you have a wonderful life now.
You are equally as messed up or LESS (yes, less) than most of us. Your guilt shows your growth and maturity. Have you tried journaling, repenting to God, taking a moment to your self to get on your knees, pray, cry, and apologize? If not, try it. Do whatever it takes to have a cathartic emotional release while giving the most genuine apology you can to whoever you feel like you’ve hurt (even if they aren’t there) INCLUDING YOURSELF. Apologize to yourself, tell yourself you deserved a healthier view and that you forgive yourself.
You’re just a guy.. life is tough.
You could have been worse. Sounds like a lot of 80s kids. Just do good.
Teach your kids the right and wrong and more importantly the ‘why’ for doing right by others. That’s all you can do and it’d be good. All the best you and the family
You do your job as a dad and teach her that she deserves respect and to be loved. Dads are one of the most influential figures in how girls date growing up, be better, do better, raise better.
Childhood is hard, puberty and adolescence is hard. We all make a lot of mistakes along the way, and it takes us time to mature and think about our actions in a mature, rational way. I don’t think you need to feel ashamed, just chalk it up to being exposed to sexual activity before you were mentally prepared to deal with it. Be the best man you can be now that you are a mature adult and understand right and wrong. Be an awesome stepfather to that little girl and teach her to stand up for herself and to know her self-worth. Tell her in an age-appropriate way and at appropriate times that friends or boys may try and get her to do things she’s uncomfortable with and that she needs to learn to say no and make sure nobody ever takes advantage of her. Your past mistakes may make you an excellent husband and father now. you can be ashamed of your journey or you can use it to be the best person you can be now. use it for good rather than beating yourself up about it. You can’t change the past, but you can make your family the best it can be now. Good luck!
Honestly you did what any teenage boy would do BUT you decided to learn from the mistakes. Without an adult clearly telling you how you fucked up! I’m not one to say much on here but this story makes me happy .. you realized how you fucked up and you made it right. Sometimes we fuck up, bad, and then we learn! good for you!
This was literally every man I ever spoke to in high school. It’s very normal and part of puberty.
I respect the fact that you could share that with people and you admit to your fault. Trust me not everyone has the ability to do so
Your past don’t define you. Thank you for accepting and realising your weakness, and thank you for being a better person now.
Next Semester by 21 Pilots is a beautiful song about focusing on what you can change and what you can do moving forward.
Hey OP, I felt quite moved by your post. Your honest appraisal of your behaviour shows a lot of insight and integrity. It’s really, really difficult to grow through these experiences and come out the other side like you have. Honestly.
I think shame has its place; it’s like the beam of a lighthouse, revealing unpleasant truths about ourself that need to be witnessed.
But you need to be kind to yourself. It sounds like the role of shame in your story has served its purpose and is now just causing you necessary suffering.The child version of you deserved help. The teenage version of you deserved help. The themes in your post of loneliness, bullying, social isolation and COCSA are very important parts of your story that deserve to be understood and contextualised with empathy.
I really think you should tackle these topics with a therapist; for your own sake AND for the sake of your step daughter. Trust me, this deep internalised shame WILL manifest in your relationship with her in some way.
My dad is a certified reformed ratbag and I know now as an adult that he was terrified of me meeting a boy like his younger self. He has a lot of shame about all this stuff he did as a young man and it made him convinced the world was not safe for me, that there was no safe way for me to meet boys or socialise with men. It’s uncomfortable now realising that he restricted me from a lot of normal opportunities to socialise with the opposite sex because he saw this younger version of himself in every young man.
Just food for thought ❤️
You deserve forgiveness, you deserve the life you have. You deserve happiness and you deserve freedom from the crippling shame you feel each day upon waking. I think you could greatly benefit from talk therapy. You seem committed to being a decent person. That’s huge! You deserve to be free from your past. You were a child, no one told you it wasn’t okay. You deserve to forgive yourself. All of this is coming from someone who’s been on the receiving end of many such behaviors and has been through alot of therapy. Godspeed.
Well I usually don’t comment and hopefully nobody I know ever sees this but my story is basically the same as yours man. I’m just a bit younger than you.
Was a young kid. A girl did the squiggly diggly to me and awakened my sexuality very early. I was masterbating all the time but nobody in my family explained anything to me. They would just tell me to stop.
Being sexual without understanding what sexuality was because nobody would fucking explain anything led to me doing some depraved ass shit. I would push my sexuality onto my peers any chance I’d get. It never went too far but did they want to do or hear that shit? Probably not. And the ones who responded were probably fucked up like me.
Eventually I learned that I was totally abnormal and that not everyone was like me. That the things I did were probably horrifically creepy and had hurt others. Then came a whole shitload of shame and guilt.
But nowadays i realize yeah I was fucked up and there was nothing kid me could do to change that. No adults who would guide me or help me either. It just was bad all around and I did hurt others.
But I just gotta accept that shit sucked and move on. Don’t forgive myself for everything but I do try to move on.
To any of you who ever met a child whose doing this shit please try explaining what it is to them. So many times I wished somebody just told me what was going on with me.