I don’t mean to use the word “accused” as a form to discredit anyone’s feelings or state that what people say isn’t true. When I was 14 I had sex for the first time, it was with my girlfriend at the time who was 13. I had asked her a couple of times before our first time but she always said no. I never forced myself or started an argument about it but as a hormonal teenage boy, I just kept asking. Eventually one day she agreed and it was both of ours first time. Fast forward months into our relationship and we are very sexually active, sometimes I initiated and sometimes she did, we both enjoyed eachother and there was no complain about it. However, after we broke up, she stated that I had SA her, and that I had pressured her into having sex with me. I was probably around 16 at the time. This destroyed me. She threatened to tell everyone as school of what I had done to her. For a while it was all I could think of, how could someone I loved so deeply say such things about me. I was scared to go to school and scared to do anything out of fear of her exposing her truth. I started SH because I had convinced myself it was what I deserved for what I put her through, later I ended up in the hospital and had to stay there for a couple of days and after I left, I was prescribed medication and had a therapist. I knew she had told her friends and they made it very obvious that with the click of a button they could ruin my life. Any time I’ve told anyone about it they’ve comforted me and said what happened was not SA as I never forced myself onto her. I had a conversation with a friend of mine that used to be her friend, he told me that when they were friends she had told him with I did, when I heard that my heart sunk. Not out of fear of what my friend might think of me, but because of the disgust I felt in myself. Ever since the day my ex-girlfriend accused me I’ve been living with the guilt of what I did. I am now 20 years old and still think about it, everytime I do, I hate myself and the decision I made when I was a dumb 14 year old boy. I want to learn how to be better, I want to believe that I can be a better person. I want to believe I am more than the mistakes I’ve made.
Comments
It sounds like it was consensual, you have nothing to really learn from or feel bad about yourself. Yes, you both were very young (personally I started even younger than that), but it sounds like she’s just being vengeful, which is sad, but that tells you what type of person she is and how big of a bullet you dodged. You have NOTHING to feel bad about.
This isn’t sexual assault, maybe sexual harassment, but as she chose to reciprocate your affection and you were both under age, all you can do is apologize to her, and tell her your sorry and still care about her.
I why I know: because after trauma turned me into a depressed foolish hormonally charged person, I sexually assaulted Animals after this twisted society put animal smut on the internet when I was in a state of shock from abuse, and desensitized to sexually explicit images that should not have been available on Children’s computers in a school setting.
Basically this societies satanism in torture and abuse in bullying and homophobic hate crimes, and smut.😳👈 I regret that.
It’s hard for any 14 year old to fully grasp the concept of consent and/or consequences. You didn’t force anything on her. Intent matters. Gen Z tends to be hyper focused on accountability in others as a means to avoid their own. Your story shows regret, not malice. Therapy will help, lean on friends who can see your growth and not focus on your past. Try to remember your ex gf character and traits and what may have made her act in this way. It shows malice on her end. Avoid similar traits in the future or just be cautious and see them as potential red flags. You are very young and you obviously feel remorse for something that you shouldn’t need to but do anyways. Shows you have a good heart. Don’t let other people take away who you are because of their issues.
You kept asking and pressuring until she agreed. That is absolutely wrong and her feeling violated is valid. No doesn’t mean keep asking.
It really sounds like it was consensual but later she enjoyed the attention and power trip of holding that over you. Might be that she was made to feel ashamed for enjoying sex so she spun the narrative to assuage her own sense of guilt. Kids can be vicious like that. No need to hang onto the sense of shame or “pay time” for something you didn’t do. Just be thoughtful and considerate to future partners. There’s a great analogy regarding intimacy – it’s like offering tea to a person. Lots of artists have made little cartoon sketches about it, and it’s great.
You’re good, don’t beat yourself up over it. You were 14 and she might have been mad and wanted to hurt you. I know it sucks and thoughts will haunt you, but just know that it’s not true and that’s all that matters. And whoever else is going to believe it and shame you for it you don’t need to pay them any mind. Also why don’t you just say sexual assault instead of SA. We are all adults in here, there’s no 5 year olds on this thread….I hope
Continually asking someone to have sex with you when they’ve told you no is sexual coercion and is in fact sexual assault. The rest might not have been, but the first time was.
She felt pressure to give OP what he wanted. Thirteen is young to start having sex. In hindsight, she regretted giving in and realized she wasn’t ready. You were both young and can learn from it. By telling people her perspective, she is taking back some autonomy. That doesn’t make her a horrible person or OP a victim. And by acknowledging that you pressured her, and maybe wore her down, you can take accountability for what you did wrong, no more and no less, and not repeat the mistake in the future. It doesn’t sound like you’re an irredeemable monster/Sexually Violent Predator. Sadly, this isn’t an unusual or unique scenario for first time sex. Which is why we should be teaching affirmative consent. People need an enthusiastic YES, not the absence of NO. So if you actually get a NO…then you’ll just have to wait patiently for the other party to give you an unprompted, unsolicited, duress free YES PLEASE. It’s so much better that way. For everyone.