I can’t remember exactly how old I was, roughly 4 or 5 years old.
I grew up in a very conservative, religious household. I am one of eight kids. My oldest brother is about 8 years older than me. He was always very weird, but we all were/are. He used to try catching his siblings going to the bathroom either by hiding in the bathroom or unlocking the door. My parents didn’t discipline him like they did the rest of us because he is the oldest son, so this went on for awhile. When I was about 5 he touched me inappropriately in a forceful way. My other brother tried stopping him.
This wasn’t an ongoing thing, I can only clearly remember the one day. For years I have tried avoiding this. I’m almost 30 now. But about five years ago I kept getting images of it in my head and decided to go to therapy as I have kept it to myself all these years and felt I needed someone to talk to. My therapist said sometimes we don’t process trauma until our brains feel safe enough to do so.
I thought I was fine. That I could leave the past in the past. Our parents really messed us up and I couldn’t blame him for that. But recently a few of us siblings were discussing things from childhood and him spying on us in the bathroom was brought up. He laughed so hard. As if he was proud of it. That caused a switch to flip in my brain. He doesn’t realize how messed up that was of him? It’s so hard to talk to him about this because he doesn’t take anything seriously. He has shown a lot of disrespect to women especially his wife. He has made sexual comments towards me and some of my other sisters. The comments he makes towards women are so disgusting. Typically I can brush them off, but it’s been hard to considering his past behaviors.
This isn’t something I ever wanted to tell another soul. I thought it was a secret I would take to my grave. But it was destroying my mental health so I talked with a therapist, then my oldest sister. No one else knows.
It makes me feel so alone. Part of me wants to tell my family about why I’ve been so uncomfortable around him, but I really don’t want to cause issues in the family.
I feel like talking to him about this would be the respectful and mature thing to do, but I don’t think I will ever be ready to.
Comments
You’re almost certainly not his only victim.
I don’t have any advice for you, but know that if you come forward, two things are likely to happen:
There will be people who defend him and don’t believe you (you can thank your patriarchal religion for that)
There will be victims who hear you and realize they aren’t alone
I’m so sorry he took advantage of you when you were so young. I think talking to others about it would be a good step. Do it on your own terms, and take your time until you feel fully comfortable. Your brother joking about the spying in the bathroom is honestly disgusting. I hope you are able to make whatever decision works best for you :).
You need to tell your parents about the monster they made and you need to keep all children away from him. You think he only did this once?
Hey. Im sorry this happened to you. I cant imagine the pain you feel. I think telling your sister was the right move. I think speak your truth to the people you trust. Do what you feel comfy with. Not what you think is owed of you. These things are really hard. When I came forward about my assault I lost a lot of people I thought I could trust. It took me to a very dark place for months… I only felt better after I prayed to god and my abuser died (hopefully unrelated). I wish you peace and love. Take care of yourself. This world is cruel and it’s hard to find support at times. Trust your gut and what feels right to you.