I’m writing this down somewhere so I can’t go back into denial. I have finally came to terms with it in my head. I have admitted it to myself.
It was at a house party. I have almost no recollection of that night other than small fragments.
And I’d like to stress, I’m not a heavy drinker, at all. I very rarely drink, and when I do, I have like one beer. That’s it.
I woke up in the hospital. They told me they believe my drink was spiked. My friend who I went to the party with told me he hadn’t seen me in ages, and he went looking for me. And he found me in one of the bedrooms upstairs, laying on the bed, naked, with 2 girls and a guy in there also naked. One of the girls was in top of me, there was a pile of puke next to where my head was. He got them out, and called the ambulance.
I had no recollection of it happening. It was almost as if it hadn’t happened at all. But it fucked me up. And it made no sense to me. If I couldn’t remember, why did it affect me so much?
The fact I had no memory of it made me go into denial. Me and my friend have known eachother for over 10 years, he wouldn’t make something like this up, But I still believed he did. For about 5 days after it happened, I accused him of lying. I cut him off, and didn’t want to speak to him.
That was until I woke up in the middle of the night, and a memory came back to me, and it hit me like a train. I remember it. Being in that bedroom. Feeling what was happening, but being unable to move, or speak. I was paralysed. The amount I remember is tiny, but it’s something. This fucked me up even more than I was originally. I thought my brain was making stuff up, but this small fragment is so vivid.
I apologised to my friend and he was incredibly understanding. He’s still the only one that knows. I haven’t told my girlfriend, and it’s affecting us. I don’t want to have sex with her, and she’s starting to think it’s her fault. I want to tell her, but I can’t. I feel so selfish. It’s not far off being a month since it happened.
I don’t want to go to the police, I don’t want to take any action. All it’ll do is make everything worse. And who would believe me? Nothing would happen. And it’s been way to long. There will be no evidence left other than the fact I was drugged.
I don’t want anybody to see me differently. To think I’m weak, or less of a man because of what happened. But they will. I don’t want to be treated like a victim, or a baby, I don’t want my girlfriend to see me differently or leave me. I don’t want to tell anyone, but I can’t keep it to myself either. I have to tell everyone eventually. So I’m starting here. With strangers on the internet who I’ll never meet. Hopefully this’ll be a good first step.
Comments
Have you never heard of being roofied?
Your friend called the ambulance, so did they treat or test you? There must be some paper trail. I’m just saying that in case you want to contact the police.
I hope you get the courage to at least tell your girlfriend.
You’ll be ok
I’m so sorry this happened to you. I recommend checking out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kolk. You might find it helpful
It’s awful that this happened to you and it’s 100% not your fault. Being attacked doesn’t make you any less of a man.
If it’s too hard to open up to your loved ones, I would highly recommend seeing a counselor to talk through your feelings. Sometimes it helps to tell someone you don’t know well vs the people who will feel deeply hurt that you’ve been hurt.
Honey, you went to the hospital, they most likely did a rape test on you, I promise no one will EVER think you are less of a man because you were assaulted in the most gruesome way anyone could be. My ex husband raped me 8 years ago, I never went to the hospital or the police and it’s something I regret still to this day. I did, however, make sure NO girl EVER came near him again. My current boyfriend got me out of there, I literally fled to the other side of the country because of him, and he put me into therapy. It was intense but it did help me out a lot. A lot of my therapy was vibrations and repeating “it wasn’t my fault” until I actually started to believe it. I had 3 shots that night, I was no where NEAR drunk, he didn’t give me a choice. You also did not have a choice. This is in NO WAY your fault. Please try and confide in your girlfriend at least, she can help you through this.
Do you know the other three people who were in the bedroom with you? Were they the perpetrators or also victims?
People are already seeing you differently because of what happened (ie your gf), they just don’t know why yet. Yes, you are a victim, but you need to shift out of this mindset that your life is no longer within your control, or your narrative is limited to other people’s opinion on the incident.
Also, the people who did this to you are relying on your silence so they can keep doing it to others.
Things that were done to you without your knowledge or consent does not make you more or less of a gender stereotype.
You’ll get through this.
I tried to have the police assist me and it was bad. It’s probably why I didn’t report it the first I remember. They did give me the option of forgetting about it and moving on though. I didn’t know my phone was being monitored by the same people that harmed me at the time.
Reading this genuinely made me emotional. Your strength in facing something so heavy and traumatic is undeniable. What you’ve written is incredibly brave, and I hope you know that coming to terms with it, and choosing to speak about it, even anonymously, is not just valid—it’s powerful. You’ve made thoughtful decisions to protect your peace, and that’s something to be proud of.
Take your time, and when you’re ready to open up more, know you deserve support, not judgment. You’re not weak, you’re surviving something no one should have to go through. Wishing you healing and safety ahead.