So there’s been a long history with my mom, but I only realized in recent years that things she’s said and done have been emotionally abusive. Just to name a few-
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One year she called on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, but then ended the call by saying I was a disappointment for working at a restaurant and not getting rich.
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I was out to eat with her once at a restaurant before moving into college dorms the next day at my school 4 hours away, and in the middle of the meal she broke down sobbing asking why I wasn’t like one of my friends, Jessica, whom she liked a lot. All I could say was “sorry.” and we didn’t talk on the way home. I had then gone up to my room to finish packing when I saw she texted me that I better get ahold of my father (divorced) and tell him to bring me back to school tomorrow because she wasn’t going to, so I did and my dad took me. Then 2 weeks later, my mom called “just to chat” like nothing ever happened and didn’t apologize.
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She has always tried to guilt trip me into coming home to visit since I moved out and away and saying how I should “want to see her” cause she’s my mother and gets mad at me when I don’t. Or a time when she guilt tripped me when I had a financial emergency and she “willingly” said she’d help and gave me some, but then had to turn around and say “Great. I was saving that for a trip you know…”
Stuff of the sort like that, very narcissistic behavior, I think you get the picture. I also never told her that I’m queer as she is always posting anti-queer posts and I’ve never had that sort of loving and trusting relationship with her.
WELL. Cut to current times to where this takes place a few months ago. I saw my mom was calling me and I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to and I had just made dinner, but then upon doing my social media scrolling while eating, I saw a post that my new SIL had been taken to the hospital and was going to be going in for emergency brain surgery due to a cyst found and causing a blockage in her brain. Scary stuff. So I immediately then called my mom back and said I had just seen about SIL and she filled me in on more about it.
She then decided that now during this call was the perfect time to confront me ask me why I never come home to visit.
I was totally caught off guard and hesitated, but then decided it was time for me to be honest and stand up for myself if this was how the conversation was gonna go.
So I told her I didn’t feel comfortable coming home anymore. She asked “why?” and I said I don’t agree with things she’s said and her views and what I see her post about. She asked me to say exactly what posts I’m seeing that are making me uncomfortable, so I told her what she posts about the lgbtqa+ community. She asked several questions about specific posts and then asked “Why would that bother you? Do you have friends that are?” and at this point I felt cornered so I just said “Yeah I do. And I also am.”
She got quiet for a second and did an “….ooookayyyy? Why did you never tell me?”
Then I lost it.
I asked her why on earth would she think I would tell her when I see all her posts and know her views and morals that are a danger to me? Her response was that I “needed to be stronger than that and still come home” since they were “family” I then told her that I am so sick of her manipulative, guilt tripping behavior and she was being dismissive saying “Oh sure, okay, well sorry I’m not the perfect mother.” She kept deflecting everything I was saying or saying “it wasn’t that” and trying to gaslight me. This back and forth continued and was going no where and so I just tried to end it with saying these reasons are why I don’t come home or want to talk to her anymore.
She then goes “Well, I don’t really talk to my mother anymore and you know why? Cause your grandma and your dad were fucking.”
I froze cause like what the fuck do I say to that? Upon me not responding, she continued saying my aunt had caught them in the act a few times over the years when my parents were still together. I eventually just said “Okay?? Well you have your reasons and I have mine, so…”
It was silence for probably a good 20 seconds, and then I said “Okay well, I’ll keep updated on how SIL is doing. Bye” and hung up.
I have since basically cut her out at least going as limited contact as I can and don’t initiate contact myself. She sent me birthday gifts still and tried to call me, but I didn’t answer the call, just texted her later saying a simple thanks for the gifts. I also didn’t message her a Happy Mother’s Day and thankfully didn’t hear from her about it although I’m sure she was pissed and know she has bitched about me to the rest of the family before, so I’m sure she did then.
I’m proud of myself for standing up to her for the first time in my life, but wowie that was a call I never want to have again.
And Grandma and Dad, if you’re reading this, what the fuck? lol
(did also want to note that SIL brain surgery had gone well and she has since recovered and is doing well)
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Backup of the post’s body: So there’s been a long history with my mom, but I only realized in recent years that things she’s said and done have been emotionally abusive. Just to name a few-
One year she called on my birthday to wish me a happy birthday, but then ended the call by saying I was a disappointment for working at a restaurant and not getting rich.
I was out to eat with her once at a restaurant before moving into college dorms the next day at my school 4 hours away, and in the middle of the meal she broke down sobbing asking why I wasn’t like one of my friends, Jessica, whom she liked a lot. All I could say was “sorry.” and we didn’t talk on the way home. I had then gone up to my room to finish packing when I saw she texted me that I better get ahold of my father (divorced) and tell him to bring me back to school tomorrow because she wasn’t going to, so I did and my dad took me. Then 2 weeks later, my mom called “just to chat” like nothing ever happened and didn’t apologize.
She has always tried to guilt trip me into coming home to visit since I moved out and away and saying how I should “want to see her” cause she’s my mother and gets mad at me when I don’t. Or a time when she guilt tripped me when I had a financial emergency and she “willingly” said she’d help and gave me some, but then had to turn around and say “Great. I was saving that for a trip you know…”
Stuff of the sort like that, very narcissistic behavior, I think you get the picture. I also never told her that I’m queer as she is always posting anti-queer posts and I’ve never had that sort of loving and trusting relationship with her.
WELL. Cut to current times to where this takes place a few months ago. I saw my mom was calling me and I didn’t answer because I didn’t want to and I had just made dinner, but then upon doing my social media scrolling while eating, I saw a post that my new SIL had been taken to the hospital and was going to be going in for emergency brain surgery due to a cyst found and causing a blockage in her brain. Scary stuff. So I immediately then called my mom back and said I had just seen about SIL and she filled me in on more about it.
She then decided that now during this call was the perfect time to confront me ask me why I never come home to visit.
I was totally caught off guard and hesitated, but then decided it was time for me to be honest and stand up for myself if this was how the conversation was gonna go.
So I told her I didn’t feel comfortable coming home anymore. She asked “why?” and I said I don’t agree with things she’s said and her views and what I see her post about. She asked me to say exactly what posts I’m seeing that are making me uncomfortable, so I told her what she posts about the lgbtqa+ community. She asked several questions about specific posts and then asked “Why would that bother you? Do you have friends that are?” and at this point I felt cornered so I just said “Yeah I do. And I also am.”
She got quiet for a second and did an “….ooookayyyy? Why did you never tell me?”
Then I lost it.
I asked her why on earth would she think I would tell her when I see all her posts and know her views and morals that are a danger to me? Her response was that I “needed to be stronger than that and still come home” since they were “family” I then told her that I am so sick of her manipulative, guilt tripping behavior and she was being dismissive saying “Oh sure, okay, well sorry I’m not the perfect mother.” She kept deflecting everything I was saying or saying “it wasn’t that” and trying to gaslight me. This back and forth continued and was going no where and so I just tried to end it with saying these reasons are why I don’t come home or want to talk to her anymore.
She then goes “Well, I don’t really talk to my mother anymore and you know why? Cause your grandma and your dad were fucking.”
I froze cause like what the fuck do I say to that? Upon me not responding, she continued saying my aunt had caught them in the act a few times over the years when my parents were still together. I eventually just said “Okay?? Well you have your reasons and I have mine, so…”
It was silence for probably a good 20 seconds, and then I said “Okay well, I’ll keep updated on how SIL is doing. Bye” and hung up.
I have since basically cut her out at least going as limited contact as I can and don’t initiate contact myself. She sent me birthday gifts still and tried to call me, but I didn’t answer the call, just texted her later saying a simple thanks for the gifts. I also didn’t message her a Happy Mother’s Day and thankfully didn’t hear from her about it although I’m sure she was pissed and know she has bitched about me to the rest of the family before, so I’m sure she did then.
I’m proud of myself for standing up to her for the first time in my life, but wowie that was a call I never want to have again.
And Grandma and Dad, if you’re reading this, what the fuck? lol
(did also want to note that SIL brain surgery had gone well and she has since recovered and is doing well)
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She definitely sounds like she has narcissistic traits. And one of the big parts of that personality disorder is lying. I’d bet money the dad/grandma thing is not true. She is banking that you won’t ask him – so why don’t you?
if she has a narcissistic personality disorder, you should know that only 2% of people with that disorder ever improve. Which is why sometimes the only healthy thing you could do for yourself is to cut off contact or go very low contact. There are some great podcasts about this like Dr. Ramani you can look into for support. Also I highly recommend EMDR therapy for yourself. It really works.
That’s the right move. You handled it well. She was only telling you to deflect and it didn’t work.
She probably said that to get you to feel sorry for her. And even if it’s true, that doesn’t give her any reason to talk to you the way she does.
Hm. At least Dad got along with his MIL…not always the case…
I’m sorry for all the things you’re going through. On the other hand, considering yoir mother’s narcisistic personality it’s almost like I don’t blame your dad. Your dad and grandma; okay it was weird, but honestly, I understand why they’re divorced.
And keep minimal contact with your mom. She’s mad
Don’t take for granted that your mom is telling the truth about your dad and grandma. She doesn’t seem like the most truthful person.
I don’t even know what to say besides I’m glad that your SIL is recovering, and I hope you are doing alright maintaining distance with your mom. Don’t let her guilt you. Just speak honestly to her like you did here, and let the chips fall where they may. You’ve got this ❤️
I would talk to your aunt to find our if this is really true
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. Don’t feel bad for cutting her out. Sometimes we have to do these things for our own peace and mental wellbeing. Live your life. As far as your dad, she could have said those things for shock value. Who knows. Idk how close you are to your dad. You could choose to talk to him or let sleeping dogs lie. Good luck.
Omg, you just described my mother’s behaviour. I have to walk away from her as of earlier tonight. It was hard to accept that she was pro-forced-birth, but to hear her justify the current genocide, and say it’s what God wants, and the children getting their limbs blown off are paid actors, I just can’t… She lies to me and herself, and contradicts herself without realising it, then another lie. She’s not smart enough to argue with, but you don’t have to have a high IQ to be against war. Especially this war. It’s really sad. But what’s sadder is that I knew I should walk away all my life, and I haven’t. Until now.
MIL was probably more receptive than his cold wife.
Sequel to The Graduate
wtf?
“Mom I’m queer and you’re a homophobe so I don’t feel safe around you.”
“Daughter; that’s not a good enough reason not to come home. At least I wasn’t fucking your paternal grandfather and therefore I deserve the mother of the year award.”
I can also summarize your moms thinking in an equation:
Queer > Fucking the In Laws
Honestly, she sounds like a head case but I have to wonder if she will stop posting all the homophobic stuff now. Pay attention. She may actually change a little. But it’s still your choice as to whether you have a relationship with her.
It sounds like in her own demented way she was offering some demented strange acceptance.
Wow! I can’t tell you how much I relate to this! My mom is the exact same way! I was getting frustrated just reading your post, cause I can only imagine the frustration you were feeling. Like my mom is so narcissistic, that it could be days that we haven’t talked and she could text me I love you or something sweet and I instantly get pissed. Shes emotionally and mentally abusive that none of her kids wants anything to do with her. Granted she has a mental illness, but that doesn’t give her the right to abuse her family members. We don’t ask for help with money anymore and we don’t accept help from her either cause she will hold it against you, she expects you to drop what you are doing to help her when she wants it… she wants you to listen to her problems anytime she comes to you for them and when you try she says she can’t handle it… First, I’m sorry you have to deal with a mom like that. I’ll never understand. 2. I am sorry that your coming out experience to your mom was awful. 3. I’m so glad your SIL is doing better she will be in prayers! 4. That’s a hell of bomb shell to process about your GMA and dad! Lawd have mercy!
I highly suspect she was lying. Why on earth would you start believing her now? Block her and don’t accept gifts from her. She’ll enjoy playing the victim to all her friends.
Just block her. She isn’t going to change.
Hi, OP. You are getting a lot of responses. If you get to mine, know you are not alone. There is not one thing here my mother didn’t say to me. The gaslighting and lies were always overwhelming to me.
Please don’t believe your mother about your dad and grandmother. My mother threw everyone under the bus if it helped her: this included her sisters, her brothers, my dad, and my sisters, too. She was a bully and very mentally ill.
May I make a suggestion? At the end of her life, only one of my sisters was willing to help her. I felt so guilty not helping my sister. (Believe me, I was not helping my mother.) To help my sister, I paid for everything I could. A day off for my sister, I paid for a caretaker. Paperwork snafu; I paid the hospital for the MRI. I got my money back on that one. I even got my sister to take a vacation and paid for her flight, hotel, and rental car. I could only do this because I was saving up for this. I just knew my mother would need help. I’ll never understand why my sister put up with my mother’s abuse, but I love her and wanted to support her.
You may, someday, be needing to look after your family, too. This doesn’t mean you’ll have to deal with your mother. But maybe your sibling may need you.
Stay strong. You are the only one who can take care of you. I’m glad you made a good life for yourself despite your childhood. Hugs.
Oh my goodness, wow, that is a lot to process! Firstly, you are brave and amazing and loved and supported and so worthy of love! Our family isn’t always the one we are born into, sometimes it’s the one we choose because sometimes the ones we are born with just plain suck! I am so very sorry that your mom isn’t the mom you deserve. If l had to guess there is some sort of other family secret she is harboring that has to do with you that holds some sort of trauma for your mom that she takes out on you that you may never know about. I would perhaps write her a letter expressing everything you feel to her, you don’t even need to send it, sometimes just getting your feeling out is all it takes. I would then go no contact. Surround yourself with people who do love and support you! If you need a friend or support, message me! I will be your friend or aunt or confidont! I am too young to be your mom, but l do give great advice. I also belong to a great group l am going to recommend to you as well called StandInPride. Hang in there! We’ve got your back. Sending you a message now! 💖