Something humiliating happened to me tonight. As Im writing this Im pretty messed up but idk I need to journal it. I was at a bar enjoying my night for a friend’s birthday. It was a big effort for me to even leave my house and go. Im standing on the outside bar at the patio having a nice conversation with a girl about getting hair cuts with thick hair when this big black truck pulls over blasting music. He literally pulls over so he obviously wants us to engage. So I say, “Good music turn it up!” and he goes, “Fat word I cant say on here!” and speeds away. It was so awkward. Nobody at the patio said anything. I felt like bursting into tears. Is that just the sum of who I am when people see me? Just existing. Is that what I am to my parents? The fat unmarried slur. Sure they love me, but wouldn’t it be easier if I was traditionally attractive and be with someone who can love me like they do. I love being a woman but to exist as a woman is exhausting. Will I ever be worthy of love in my size? It was so humiliating and I feel like he just summed up my existence to most basic thing.
Comments
You will never, ever, ever find happiness if you let your self-worth be defined by what people shout out of cars. Also, if you do, you’re the only person who is listening to those idiots. Everyone else ignored them because they aren’t worth listening to.
Sounds like you’re sensitive about your weight. If you want to change that, all you need to do is eat only food that is very, very high in fibre or very, very high in protein. As long as your meals cover these two stipulations, you’ll be fine.
As a parent myself now, I have to say that I will always love my children completely until my dying day. I had a conversation with my wife not too long ago about how the love for our children differs from the love between us as partners, and she agreed; love of a partner is always a choice (one you can make everyday). But if you have good parents then they’ll love you no matter what (and I wish everyone had good parents). Assuming your parents feel the same as me, they love you more than you can ever imagine.
To exist as a woman is exhausting. That’s not going to change anytime soon. And yes you are worthy of love in any shape you are. Finding a lover that is worthy of your love in return is that tricky part (; but generally engaging with a guy who’s desperately blaring music for attention is not that guy lol 😉
This is off my chest so I figure this is venting, so I hope you feel better getting it out and good luck!