english isnt my first language so i apologize for any mistakes, also im really nervous writing this
throwaway acc for privacy reasons
i (15F) have been repeatedly SA’d by my brother (17M) since i was a child.
me and my brother never got along, he would always beat me and has always told me terrible things, like wishing me to die or etc, unfortunately i am a really big empath and could never bring myself to really hate him. ive always been really afraid of him, just never fully able to hate him. the SA first started when i was around 6 years old while he was 8, he would always try to get on top of me and would treat it like some sort of game, i always yelled at him to stop and that i didnt like it yet he would never listen, he knew he was stronger than me and took advantage of that. he would always hide the house phone so i wouldnt be able to call our parents (they both often worked all day and we would be left alone or with a babysitter) and would generally always try to rub himself against me since we always slept on the same bed, this lasted for many many years and it came to a stop when i was around 11 years old only because i was old enough to sleep in my own room and have privacy, but, ive often been woken up to the feeling of being touched, id often wake up to someone grabbing my ass or chest and quickly leaving. i never knew if i was dreaming it or really happened.
i thought it all came to a stop when i turned 13, i stopped waking up to the feeling of being groped and i started getting along with my brother until the 2nd of january of 2024. i was sleeping in my room when i just felt someone groping my ass. i woke up and just froze, i knew he was there doing it but i was so so scared, what was i supposed to do?? i moved so he knew i was awake and he quickly left, it had been almost a year since he did something like that. the next day he did it again but i woke up and called him a disgusting pig and asked him what the fuck was he doing, he gave some fuckass excuse saying that ‘he was just experimenting and that he would never do it again’. i never brought it up again.
around the middle of march i went on a school trip for a week, i came back on saturday, tired from a 12 hour bus ride and just came home to sleep. an hour later i woke up and saw him jump back and felt my shirt snap. he was looking up my shirt while i was sleeping. i just asked him what the fuck was he doing, he just asked me something like ‘when did u come back’ and i just repeatedly asked him why he woke me up and what was he doing in my room. after that he left and we have not spoken since.
the problem is, i have no desire to ruin his life by telling my parents or anyone in that matter and i hate that. i genuinely do not want to ruin peoples perception of him of one of a pervert, which he is but i dont know why i can hate him. i hate what he does and has done to me but i just dont wish him the worst in life and i feel like everything ive went through isnt valid because of that, ive only told two people about this (excluding the fact about how it was my brother, only said it was a family member) and they have told me to report him or to tell my parents. but i dont want to and i dont know why, i feel so unvalid in my experiences and i dont know what to do, since the last incident was so recent ive only grown more resentment towards him. either way hes moving out around july to live with our dad and ill stay with my mom (theyre divorced) so i think ill tell my mom once hes out of the house. i hate confrontation. i just really need to vent or to know if anyone else has ever gone through something similar or if im just stupid in feeling this way. im so puzzled, so confused i dont know what to do