For context and without giving too much detail, the assaults happened when I (F) was around 6-7 years old and the relative (M) was maybe about 7 years older. So they were still a kid albeit older and should have known better. The assaults were also very invasive and have haunted me from time to time. I’ve talked about it in therapy and sort of made my peace with it but it will always stay with me and has kind of fucked me up with some of my consensual sexual relationships with men and how I sometimes confuse their desire with feeling objectified and taken advantage of.
No one in my family knows the full truth, I think my mother had an idea that we were messing around at the time but not the extent of actual violation of my private parts.
This relative has also had a pretty rough life, bad home life, string of failed relationships, dead end job, etc. but otherwise considered a “good guy” and that he’s had bad luck all his life.
In an ironic twist of events, he was recently diagnosed with a terminall illness and not given long to live. Our family has been broken up about it and have been reaching out to him. I don’t have a relationship with this person or have seen them in a long time, but I don’t think I will attend his funeral or reach out to him before he passes. I do feel bad for what he’s going through but I can’t bring myself to speak with him knowing that we both know what he did when we were kids.
Now I am afraid that my family will wonder why I won’t go to the funeral or reach out and I don’t know what to say because I really don’t want them to know the truth. I know it will cause them pain and nothing good can come of it.
Do you think I am right for not reaching out or going to his funeral?
Comments
You are absolutely valid in not reaching out or going to the funeral. My cousin molested me when I was 6-7. If he as terminally ill/died, it would be GOOD RIDDANCE. Do not feel bad anything, although your empathy towards his situation just shows that you are human. Sending you hugs.
Don’t reach out OP, no good will come from it, for your own mental health. If people ask, tell them it’s personal, or finally address the elephant in the room. That man deserves none of your sympathy or guilt. Good luck though, I know this can be hard. Don’t make yourself uncomfortable when you don’t need to be. Think of yourself first.
You’re right not to go. Your healing matters more than their closure. Don’t let their pain force you to relive your trauma.
You’re absolutely right to prioritize your own healing and boundaries here. You don’t owe him anything, especially given the trauma he caused you. It’s okay to skip the funeral and not reach out, your peace and safety come first. If family asks, you can keep it simple and say you’re not ready or need space without revealing details. You’re not the asshole for protecting yourself.
Honey, you don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. If anyone says anything just say, “respect my decision!”
Fuck that I wouldn’t go even if hell froze. You don’t owe anyone an explanation of why you’re not going
you are so valid for not wanting to go. honestly, please don’t go. he doesn’t deserve to have you there and you have no reason to go. you’re trying to heal from something he has done to you and i don’t think it would be the best idea to see him because that could bring everything rushing back. prioritize yourself and your wellbeing. you also don’t have to give anyone a reason for not going. you can let them know you are sorry for what they’re feeling but you will be sitting it out. sorry i’m not great with the explanation part but you definitely do NOT have to go
I haven’t been to a lot of mine
I’m surprised that you remember things. Most people barely remember anything. From that age. So it must have been bad not just touching. I wouldn’t go either
I am sorry this happened to you when you were a child. And to have to carry this with you, all these years.
What he did to you took away any obligation you might have felt, and you don’t need to retraumatize yourself for the sake of appearances.
If anyone asks, you can keep it simple: “I’m not comfortable going.” You don’t need to explain further. Your peace of mind comes first.
It’s more than ok.
Most certainly it’s okay to not go. I’m very sorry you’re having had to experience that. It seems they’re reaping the harvest of that bitter seed. Healing prayers being sad for you.
Accidentally sharing DNA with someone obligates you to exactly nothing. Especially someone who assaulted you.
Absolutely ok! You don’t owe them ANYTHING!
Effe’ that POS! Hopefully he’ll be on the hell express soon
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I will light the bonfire if you want to celebrate! Your finest fun dress, red if it suits you, cake, fire crackers, music, dancing, bad karaoke, whatever you want! You owe abusers nothing, no matter if they’re family.
It’s your right not to attend. But perhaps if you want to “keep peace” in the family and not have them ask questions, maybe go in support of his siblings/parents not for him. It might be good closure for you to witness that your abuser is gone.
It’s would feel good to go, just to spit on his grave
Don’t reach out and don’t attend the funeral.
Also don’t feel like you owe anybody a detailed reason.
But also don’t feel like you can’t tell them the truth.
It’s not our job as the victim to manage other people’s bad feelings about the truth .
Good time to play the Covid card if you just want to avoid the whole damn charade .
I’m sorry you have to face this .
you dont have to go and just say its for personal issues that you dont want to discuss
Yes, absolutely.
Someone who caused you pain and misery, you owe them nothing. Anyone who thinks otherwise can eff right on off to hell with that person in the grave.