I don’t even know where to start…
I’ve recently just split with my partner of 5 months. I lost my virginity to him. Sex was a condition of our relationship outlined before we started dating.
I feel like I’ve never enjoyed sex, I’ve always done it because I knew I needed to please him and I know that he needed it. But I always felt so dirty and disgusting after it. It began to feel like a chore, I just wanted to cry just thinking about it. It hurt, I constantly bled after it because I just wasn’t into it.
Now that we have ended things. I can’t stop crying everytime I think about sex. I feel the sheer terror I felt the time I lost my virginity. Its a scene that just replays in my head, it happened like this the whole way through our relationship too but it has since gotten worse and more frequent… He just went in raw no foreplay I was terrified, it hurt so bad I just wanted to cry he wrapped both hands around my throat to hold on and pushed down I was so scared. But I just held my hand over my mouth and didn’t move, I didn’t say anything.
He stopped only because of how much I was bleeding.
He apologised for being too rough afterwards.
And was gentler the times after that. But I still feel so fucking scared. Regardless of how many times we had sex after that I always felt this impending doom just thinking about doing it
I wasn’t raped, I consented.
But why do I feel so fucking scared and dirty about sex. And I how do I get this replaying to stop… I’m suffering.
Comments
did you consent to the choking? the pain? the bleeding? I’m assuming no. these things can happen in informed consensual spaces. If there is no informed consent, it was not consensual.
I’m sorry you were with such an awful person. I hope you can find the help you need to get through this, and remember sex is NOT a need, it is a luxury, and you NEVER have to do something you don’t enthusiastically desire to do.
In order to be considered consent you have to have the power to revoke your yes at any time. Frankly it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
I am really sorry that you had to go through this. You deserve a partner who is attentive to your needs and your pleasure. What happened to you is not a good representation of what sex is like. No wonder you are traumatized.
Definitely therapy. It’s the only way to get past it. I recommend EMDR therapy for trauma.
Just as others said, this was 100% rape. Reluctant consent is still not consent and the fact he continually hurt you every time is absolutely rape. Please seek a therapist for yourself, and I hope you are able to move past this awful traumatic experience 💙
This is rape. You did not consent to that. Contact RAINN if you are in the US and stay away from him.
Enthusiastic Consent is the only consent. If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no. You were assaulted.