I have been feeling really sad about my past, and I am so ashamed of it. I wish I could be a virgin again, or that I had never slept with so many guys. You might be thinking, “Here comes the girl who sleeps around, crying about her choices,” but the truth is, I only did those things because I was looking for love, attention, validation, emotional intimacy, and closeness through sex.
I believed that if I had sex with someone, he would stay. I thought he would love me, choose me over my friend, and I would finally stop being rejected. I thought I would be truly loved in a way I had never experienced before.
But none of that happened. Instead, I was used for my body and tossed aside. The love and attention I wanted were either given to someone else or directed toward my friend. In total, I have slept with about sixteen or seventeen guys. I even lost count, so I am not completely sure. I used to sleep with them on the first day to prove that if they loved me, I would give myself to them fully.
Now I am eighteen, and even though I try to date, guys naturally get curious about your past. There is nothing wrong with that. When they ask about body count, it is not always meant to be judgmental. Some people just want to understand your experiences or make sure they can approach things in a respectful and comfortable way.
But when I confess my body count, I do not blame the guys for leaving or for choosing my friends who are virgins. To be honest, if I were a guy, I probably would not want to be with a girl who had been with so many people either. It makes sense why they would be cautious or hesitant. It does not exactly inspire trust. It gives the impression that I would cheat, even though I never have.
At the same time, I avoid dating now because I know the moment we have that conversation, he is going to leave or treat me differently. Sometimes they compare me to my “clean” friends or act like I am already contaminated.
It is hard. I want to date and get close to someone, but every time we get to that point, I have to either lie or tell the truth and risk being judged or abandoned. I do not want to lie, because having the truth come out later is even more painful. I just wish I could go back in time and choose something better to fill that emptiness I was feeling.
I do not think these guys are terrible. I understand their perspective. If you asked yourself whether you would date someone with that many past partners at eighteen, you probably would not. It is hard to feel secure in that situation.
What hurts the most is that I have never even had a boyfriend.
Comments
I am so sorry you’re going through this. You should never feel discounted because of what you have done. The older you get, the less you’ll realize it matters. Please be gentle with yourself.
This feels like incel ragebait to be honest.
On the off chance it’s not – OP you are not defined by your vagina. You are a whole person and you live a whole life outside of your bedroom, so make sure you are giving equal focus to the best parts of it!
Don’t ever let anyone make you feel like your worth is debatable. It’s not. There are terrible people out in the world and nobody ever asks how many people they’d slept with… Because that isn’t what makes a person terrible. Do what makes you happy and stop worrying about some arbitrary nonsense number.
I’ve had sex with my husband thousands of times, and I have no more or less “value” than someone who has slept with a thousand men once, because my body isn’t some kind of bank account defined by numbers that someone else gave a value to. It’s my body and I will make the choices that are right for me. You should be confident in doing the same.
I’m old and I can say that it really doesn’t matter anymore.
I know who I am and what I want and what I like and what I don’t want and don’t like … and a lot of that was learned through life’s experiences… including more sex than other people.
You are eighteen…. Hon, why the hell are you being honest about body count, first of all, second of all: it literally doesn’t matter. So long as you practice safe sex and don’t get an STI reclaim your sexuality and embrace your body.
Virginity is a social construct. It’s not a biological state of being. Read what the school of sex ed has to say on it.
Who says you have to keep a “body count”? Or that you have to tell anyone? That’s not a thing for anyone to track except serial killers, war criminals, and nosey pervs
I have a very high body count. It matters much, much less every year you get older. Men who care about this are not worth your time.