I wish I were a guy, but I’m not transgender

I’m a lesbian, but I feel so uncomfortable with who I am. I don’t feel strong enough, dominant enough, I grew up really jealous of men because I couldn’t just be them and therefore be desirable by women. I literally never think women like me, even though I’ve had hookups, but I didn’t feel desired during the hookups so I just felt uncomfortable.

When I was younger, I would just be. I would just think of women and imagine them sitting on my lap and just not have to think about who I am. Now I’m too aware. I’m aware that I’m gay, and I’m aware that it’s different. I’m just obsessing over the topic now, I want to be invisible, but seen. I want to be a girl, but I want the benefits of a guy.

I feel messed up for liking women. I have phases of trying to like men and see a future with them, but I just don’t see it, I can’t get turned on by them. My expectations feel so unrealistic, I feel so distracted and like my thoughts are too muffled to ever be satisfied. Every “I like this” becomes into “it’s gay. this is gay. this is gay.”

It’s also causing internalized misogyny that I end up projecting onto other women, which is making my sex life horrible. I just judge people, I feel like I can’t even see women as real beings, now they’re just blurry ideas in my head that I can’t think further about. At this point I’d just rather not have sex at all. I want to fall in love with a woman so badly, but it freaks me out. I can’t be vulnerable. My family would disown me. I’d lose so much. I’m scared.