I’m so sick and tired of it. I’m not equipped to deal with them. As I type, my little sister (an autistic eight year old) just calmed down from an anxiety attack I wound up yelling at her about. I’m so sorry. But I’m always sorry. I have no patience. I’m not fit for this. I can’t deal with it.
My older sister has ADHD and easily get overwhelmed, and I take on her breakdowns. I have to bear it – my life will always be easier than theirs – at least this is what I tell myself. Good God, I hate blowing up at them and I hate myself for not being neurodivergent.
I need to help them. I really do. But what can I do? I’m just a dumb sixteen year old. I need to help them, but I’m not equipped to. My little sister can’t even get therapy.
someone please help please
I really should’ve dealt with it better. I don’t know what the heck I’m doing D:
Edit: if it matters, I have anxiety
Comments
….Why do you ’need’ to help them? You don’t ’need’ to help them.
Where is this self inflicted burden coming from?
You don’t need to help them. You’re just doing it. The 8 year old I get but at least let the other one handle the breakdowns on her own. If she cares enough she’ll find a way.
Do they ask you to take on their issues? If not then why are you?
OP, it isn’t your job to handle their emotions and breakdowns. That’s for adults and trained professionals to do and definitely not the burden for a young person who needs to grow themselves too and deserves a life as well. The only thing that you need to do is not make their lives harder. Getting frustrated is natural, and it doesn’t make you a terrible person.
Where are your parents in this that you feel so overwhelmed and responsible?
Helping them is not your job op. Your job is to focus on your own development.
It is perfectly fine for you to walk away from them when things get hard, and let your parents deal with their issues. It’s what they signed up for when they chose to have those kids.
Don’t feel guilty about not being neurodivergent. Neurodivergent people are fully capable of living full and wonderful lives. I’m surrounded by a lot of them actually who are killing it. No need to feel bad, your parents just have to help them extra to teach them how to emotionally regulate and work with their different brains.
If a professional is out of the question, your parents need to research and read about how to help them grow and handle their mental stuff.
Don’t parentify yourself. Focus on being a kid. Walk away when things get out of hand. This will also help teach your siblings that people have boundaries and when they cross peoples boundaries they will not get to keep them in their immediate company or continue getting attention.
That’s a good lesson for them to learn, seeing as that’s how everyone in the general public is going to react to them.
You have to teach them what’s acceptable and what’s not by removing yourself.
As the parent of an autistic/adhd child it overwhelms the fuck out of me daily and I am a grown woman, I also only have one neurodivergent kid, so I don’t blame you at all for losing your temper with two.
You obviously have a good heart but all this stuff really is your parents problem so I would recommend just removing yourself from whatever situation is happening when it kicks off, it’s not your responsibility to bear.
Your parents are obviously placing the burden on you. Tell them this is not your responsibility and allow yourself grace. You should not feel guilty but it seems that maybe they aren’t getting the attention they need unless you are there to give it which would be very burdensome and emotionally draining. I think maybe you speak to your school counselor? Someone needs to understand that your parents are either overwhelmed or neglecting the situation. I’m so sorry! You sound like a wonderful sibling. It’s normal to yell and lose patience- whats not normal or ok is you carrying the brunt of this
Do you have access to young carers groups where you live? If not, can you access online communities? We have Barnardo’s Young Carers here in the UK. If you’re taking on any level of physical or emotional caring for your siblings you should be able to access those services.
Babe, I’m 40 and I grew up with a violent special needs younger sibling in the 90s and 2000s (he was born in 1990.)
I gave so much to try and help him, but I didn’t know I was AuDHD myself, nor did my parents at the time know they were, too. I have lasting trauma and people-pleasing tendencies that I work through because of it.
It’s one thing to be kind to your sisters and love them and have a bond, but you are not a trained professional and you are still very young. You are not qualified to deal with their meltdowns. It’s not your job.
Your parents need to step up and get them help.
They will grow up to be dysfunctional adults and there’s nothing you can do about that. They will have their own journey. It is beyond your control, so box that up as their problems and look inward. Focus on yourself, improve yourself, because allowing them to erode you does nothing.
Learn to manage your own anxiety and sensitivities. Lead by example.
Caring for your siblings should be your parents/guardian’s responsibility. This isn’t fair on you at all.
I second the person who suggested looking into young carers. they supported my little sister when i was really unwell and in and out of hospital.
It’s not your job to take this on. That’s on your parents.
You did a good thing by posting here. Many people are telling you it’s not your job to help your siblings, which is true. But I also want to reinforce for you that asking for help for yourself is important.
You are still a kid and you need help dealing with your family dynamics and their impact on you. Please take that seriously.
Your needs are legitimate and valid. Being neurotypical does not mean your needs are less legitimate than your siblings’ needs.
The reason I said you did a good thing by posting here is that speaking up about your feelings and your needs is GOOD. Please find adults in your life who can listen to you, support you, and help you.
And if the first people you seek help from turn out not to be helpful, keep looking.
You truly deserve support and help.
Your siblings also deserve support and help, but not from you, especially at the level you have been trying to give. You can only help when you have extra to give. You don’t have that now. You need support for yourself.
I have autism, and both my older brothers are neurotypical. So your title makes me feel like shit. But I’ll try to be empathetic.
What role do your parents play? Are they expecting you to take on a lot of the load of caring for your siblings? Do they reach out to schools and such to get resources for your siblings?
When I was growing up, all my parents expected from my brothers was to not be jerks. My parents and teachers made sure I was held to expectations so that I could grow and learn good coping mechanisms.
Hi OP, im sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed and powerless. Being a human being can really suck sometimes, esp at sixteen. Can i ask why you feel so strongly that it’s your job to somehow “help” them? Where are y’all’s parents in all this?
When it comes to your siblings, you aren’t responsible for them. You are, above all, responsible for YOURSELF and the way you REACT. I know thats easy to say. you’re always around them so it’s probably really hard to feel like you dont have to get involved. Of course their behaviour has an impact on you and it probably will as long as you are living under the same roof, that is absolutely not your fault.
Reacting in anger is definitely not helping you, or them. If you feel yourself getting overwhelmed by frustration, you need to say to your sibling, “i need to take a second to calm down ” and try to separate yourself from them and do something alone that calms you down so you can process the intense feelings and think of more positive things to say.
My younger brother is on the spectrum and i have to be honest, our relationship was pretty rocky until we both moved out the same year when he was 17 and i was 18.
When youre older and living independently, you’ll be able to have your own space and set up clearer boundaries and terms for how you want your interactions with your siblings to go, and trust me that makes all the difference.
I promise you OP, it will get easier when youre older. But neurodivergent people are everywhere, and you’ll probably have to interact with us your whole life, just like we’ll have to interact with neurotypical people for the rest of ours. Instead of thinking of it as something you’re trapped with maybe try thinking of it as practice for the adult world.
Stay strong
From reading this it sounds similar to carer burn out. A very real problem.
So this then becomes a matter of why are you handling this. It sounds like a failure on the part of your parents. Are their care plans in place or strategies?
You’re being parentified. It’s not on you to help them or parent them, you just gotta be a nice sibling.
Also, having anxiety IS a type of neurodivergence. Your needs matter too