Dear Mum,
Is it ever enough? Have I ever been enough?
Expectations upon expectations, how long should I wait for your appreciation?
I’m trying, I really am trying…
But sometimes it just feels like I’m dying.
You always have something to say, but never “how was your day?”
I’m tired, it’s getting too much. All I’ve ever wanted was your love, acceptance, and no judgment.
I’m always chasing your validation and molding myself for your own satisfaction.
It has made me the biggest people-pleaser, hoping it would make things any easier.
You’ve broken me, invalidated my feelings, made me feel worthless—like I’ve never been good enough since the day I was born.
All the gaslighting has left me torn.
It hurts. It hurts so bad that at such a young age, I felt as if I had to break out of the suffocating box and rebel towards you.
It felt so freeing, as I didn’t know any better.
Now, I’m left with deep wounds in my soul. Four years later, but still stuck down the rabbit hole.
Everyone saw how sick I got, but no one had a thought apart from “the bad kid that needed to be stopped.”
I just wish I had more space to be my authentic self.
I wish you hadn’t criticized and been so hard on me.
I wish you had given me the love I deserved and not made me feel so closely observed.
Mum, I know you don’t see it, but I love you more than anything in this world.
You didn’t deserve what you had been put through, and I hope one day you could heal from all the suffering you had to conceal.
Yours truly, your oldest daughter