I’ve been with the same person since I was 17, I’m 23 now. He’s my first everything, I’m not his though. He’s cheated on me, and done things I don’t even want to talk about. I know I should and I want to let this go. But I’m afraid I’ll never feel this way for anyone else again. Even if it wasn’t love for him, I know how I felt. And how it felt being with him when it was good. I know if I stay, I will hold the both of us back. The life I will have with him isn’t the life I want. And I hate him for what he’s done to me so I can’t even show up for him and everything he does upsets me. Plus, I don’t trust him so we have to do everything together. It’s actually annoying and I hate that I’m this way. I wish to be in a secure relationship too. But I can’t even begin to think of another person. And every time I try to leave, I find myself back where I’m comfortable. I don’t know where to begin? It’s breaking my heart.
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Re-read what you wrote. Don’t let fear hold you back from doing what is best for you. It’s better to breakup and find someone who will treat you with love and respect rather than settling for a cheater who has done unmentionable things that you can’t even post about due to trauma (I’m guessing). Access therapy so you can process your feelings
if you know this isn’t right for you, i hope you find the courage to love yourself enough to leave him. he sounds terrible and i’m so sorry for what he’s done to you. if you stay though, you might spend forever unhappy. if you leave, you’ll be uncomfortable for a little while, but you can also do the work to heal, experience life on your own without depending on another person for comfort.
the way i see it, if you stay, you’re unhappy. if you leave, you’re unhappy. so you might as well love yourself enough to choose to be uncomfortable for a little while, and then let the door open for new life experiences and new, amazing possibilities. i’m certain there is a person out there for you that would never think of treating you less than the way you deserve, like your current boyfriend.
Its your first relationship, so its always going to be tough, especially if he’s willing to take you back/manipulate you into coming back. It also sounds like you have some unresolved issues which could be influencing your ‘need’ for him.
All of that said, life does go on. There will be more relationships after him even if you dont think so. Maybe you hope he wont forget you, but hasn’t he already if he’s cheating on you? You’re not special to him anymore.
You need to end things once and for all, block him, get some therapy, focus on yourself for a while and then try again when the opportunity presents itself. Right now, I dont think you should be in a relationship with anyone as you are.
Therapy and self love. If you’re not leaving because you’re insecure no one will love you in that way again, and I promise there will be people that will give you the world. Find your self worth. You deserve better. There IS better. Your first relationship will always be special, but it isn’t anymore. He’s shown you he’s not committed or respected you.