I(27f) went snooping bc insecurities and found out my fiancé (27m) may have cheated very early on in the relationship

Sorry this is so SO long. Skip parts, I’ll redirect you to relevant info in comments if needed. We’re going through a lot right now. We moved in together early 2024 and things have been rough since then.

When I moved my apt to the house, it was kind of a mess. I moved out of my parents into the apt in late 2022 with the plan of moving in with him at the end ofy 15 months lease. 12 ish months came and went and I started selling things on Facebook to make it more manageable to move my things in. A lot didn’t sell so I dismantled it and we stored most of my apt stuff in the attic. My fiance was VERY upset with how poorly I handled the move. Said it was one of the first adult things I’ve had to do alone and it was horrible.

I was raised in a very authoritarian house, my parents raised me to please and appease their emotions and wants. I am very self-doubtful and indecisive bc I cannot trust my decision making abilities some times. It’s hard. Being with my fiance was one of the first times I’ve grown confidence in myself. He helped me get therapy when birth control pushed me into depression and jeopardized my college graduation a little. But him helping me get therapy and supporting me meant I recovered well and I graduated and did well despite the hardships of having to deal with my parents.

Anyway, fiance really upset about the move. He held on to this for a while, I think I really disappointed him. My self esteem took a big hit bc I based my self worth on how my loved ones perceive me? Disappointing him was rough and I kind of fell into a bit of depression again and our sex life took a hit. We didn’t really have much sex, and when we did, I felt very bad about it. We have relatively kinky sex ( slapping, and degradation) this kind of power dynamic requires a very distinct boundary between bedroom and not. So it kind of started going out balance when outside of the bedroom I started thinking that he didn’t see me as an equal, that he didn’t think I was capable of doing adult things, I felt judged about everything I did around the house – was I doing it right ? He often critized the way I did things – my problem solving wasn’t as good or as thorough as his… I brought this up a few times and I guess it’s been better lately but I think it’s bc shit hit the fan recently. Because of this weird dynamic between us, I asked him to stop slapping me bc it felt real and the aftercare had stopped at this point. So I just felt like he was actually mad at me during sex. This took another really big hit on my selfesteem.

Summer 2024 he went to a high reunion type thing – an old teacher retiring – and came home drunk -blacked out- and initiated sex – I was kind of desperate for connection bc it had been so long. I thought he would be loving and vanilla but he slapped me before I angrily asked him to stop it – but continued sex – and then he said
1- that he wanted to eat someone else out with me
2- that I would be sharing him from now on
3- that I looked great dancing tonight.

My heart broke. This was mid sex and I pushed him off after the last one and told him to go to sleep bc we were done with this. He asked ‘what did I say? What did I do wrong? Are you ok?’ clearly not knowing wtf he just said. He had no memory of it the next morning and I couldn’t bring myself to repeat the exactly words so I said he mentioned wanting a threesome and he apologized and said that is NOT something he wants. I understood it was drunken nonsense and just wanted to bury it and forget it.

A few weeks later I find an old letter from his ex and it triggers me again. I read a few lines before realizing it’s not a letter that I wrote. I read they went to Niagara a lot and it really hurt bc I asked him to go a few times when we were younger and he’s always just said he hates the crowds and it’s kinda trashy on our side of the falls (states lol). My brain immediately thought – oh he’s trying to preserve the memory of this place with someone he actually liked, not ruin it by bringing you there. Yes it’s very self critical and I recognized this and started therapy again soon after.

I worked up the courage to ask him to go to couples therapy January of this year and he was shocked bc all of this is happening without me saying anything. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. And he’s stressed bc he doesn’t know what we’re going to therapy for. He’s also got his own insecurities about couples therapy leading to the end of most relationships. He gets defensive and tells me I’m bad at being an adult, he tells me I don’t know about the house bills, or the mortgage, not do I help take care of our plants and fish tanks, I don’t clean up around the house – basically I’m not a good housemate – but I’m in my head busy depressed bc I feel like this is it, he’s not with me bc he loves me but with me bc he’s in too deep and doesn’t know how to get out ? Idk what it is but I’m feeling very unloved and I am not aware of how depressed I’ve gotten. I take his words to heart and start doing things around the house again. I start taking care of myself again. We start couples therapy as we struggle to figure out how to get the paperwork on marriage started earlier than our wedding.

He proposed in April in NYC and it was perfect. Only, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him with nothing else about why, no little speech. Idk I told him later it would have been nice to hear him say some loving things about me. He was upset I didn’t tell him this before he proposed even though the proposal was a complete surprise to me. I essentially told him – I’m just saying I want some reassurance. To which he said ‘idk how a ring on your finger isnt reassurance’ didn’t know how to respond to this

I went snooping bc it’s all slowly coming to a head that I feel like he doesn’t love me, I don’t feel desired. My birth control from like 4 years ago had triggered mild androgenic alopecia and it’s getting kind of a lot more noticable now, I don’t feel like he finds me attractive anymore. I can’t seem to do anything he’s proud of. Why is he with me. My lack of self esteem makes it hard for me to defend myself when my brain says this.

It took a lot of courage to be vulnerable and ask ‘why do you love me’ and I was hurt he gave me a defensive answer of ‘well why do YOU love me?’ and I gave him reasons but he never gave me reasons back. I didn’t push it bc I was on the brink of anxiety attack and I now I’m left feeling like he doesn’t have reasons

I snooped in an old journal and saw entries from Jan 2019 stating ‘i cuddled with __name of another girl_ all night after she left. It was nice.’ -idk who ‘she’ is referring to but I think it’s me. and then one dated a day /before/ that one. Saying ‘life has been good. Driving my new car. Working at new job. Dating my name and only my name.” I wanted to look further back but I was so scared to find out other stuff. He’s changed a lot since then and I don’t want him to feel like his past is all I care about.

I’m half willing to let it go if he comes clean if I ask. I half don’t want to ask bc what if he lies I think my heart breaks all over again. It also feels wrong to ask with the intention of seeing if he’s going to fess up. That feels so … Wrong.

What do I do. This is really complicated I know.

TL;DR – found out my bf cheated early EARLY in the relationship when our exclusivity was not as clearly defined. I don’t have an issue if he confesses but idk if he’s going to, which makes me really scared to ask. I love him a lot and don’t want our relationship to end, we’ve come a long way but couples therapy is bringing up a lot of old emotions and feelings of inadequacy and my self worth keeps going on a rollercoaster ride where I am angry one day and an anxious mess the next. I also feel guilty for snooping, I fear he’s going to say I did this to myself. I fear he’s going to be upset that I violated privacy just bc I’m feeling insecure.