Posting this from my alt coz my main has too much personal info.
I have grown up to kinda not look at dating
the same way a lot of people do. Didn’t really see the need for someone else in my life. In the last 1 year or so, i have been going on dates – few good, few bad. Many meh.
But I’ve met this person I like and would like to take things ahead sexually. He knows i have never dated before and is very understanding and patient about my readiness. I know my body and I have pleasured myself successfully many many times but with another person, it’s a whole different ballgame.
I wanted some advice on dos and don’t of having sex.
I’m aware about protection, STDs, pregnancy, physical safety, consent. What advice do you have for me other than this?
Also, knowing how men are on this sub, my DMs are blocked already.
Comments
Just enjoy your self
You’ll have an amazing time. Have a wonderful romantic evening, go as far as you feel ready, and if you’re not feeling good pause, and if you’re feeling bad stop. Sex is wonderful and pretty normal, and with a loving partner it will be weird, and awkward, and funny, and cute, and intimate, and eventually wonderful and lovely.
Remember set and setting do matter, but also, don’t overthink it. You’ll have great sex with a great partner- if not now then soon 🙂
Stock up on lube and use plenty of it (on the condom, and on your intimate area). It can make things so much more enjoyable, especially when using condom.
Also, feel free to stop and de-escalate at any time if you’re not feeling it. You don’t have any obligations! Fun stuff only!
Don’t put too much pressure on that first time. It may be uncomfortable, especially at first, but just take things at your own pace and speak up if you want to change something up.
Don’t just take it, be vocal about the things YOU want (faster, slower, harder, things like that) Seriously, we like that y’all let us do whatever we want but nothing is hotter than a woman that tells me exactly what they want done to them.
Open communication about whatever feels comfortable to you goes a long way. Vulnerable conversations bring you closer. Enjoy the journey, not the destination. Check-in with each other about the pace and explore what would help with a better experience.
Just be yourself. And understand what your partner wants while maintaining your own boundaries.
Your first time will likely be mediocre or at least awkward. It takes time to become comfortable naked in front of someone else, making noises, etc. Don’t stress about it and take it one step at a time. It helps if you can gradually escalate your sexual relationship over time, ie don’t do penetration the first time. Take a few sessions to work up to it.
Also, since you can orgasm alone and have never had sex with someone else, it’s possible you have one way you’re used to having orgasms alone, especially if you do the same method each time. Vary your solo routine a bit. If you can have orgasms on your back / front / side alone, it will help later.
Important to note that since you say you’ve pleasured yourself “many, many times”, remember that he is not experienced with your body either. So he may not be very… efficient 😅 on his own… and will need/want guidance in exactly what you like. The great news is that, unlike many women’s first time, you’re already well-versed in what you like!
Edit: So to the extent that you need to relieve yourself of any unfair expectations on your end, he probably needs the same leniency. It’s going to be awkward clunky and fun. Go slow and enjoy the ride.
Spend time considerably in foreplay. It’s a crucial part, and enhances the experience manyfold. Many people confuse sex with only the penetration part.
Please don’t have any unreal expectations for your first time. Having high expectations might ruin your mood. Instead, be present.
Also, just a reminder that you can set boundaries for anything you find uncomfortable during sex. Good communication will help you bond and spot any red flags if present.
I hope you have a good time!
Just do what’s fun and don’t do what you don’t think is fun.
save the velociraptor costume for special occasions
Communicate! Say what feels good and what doesn’t, ask him the same. Good sex often takes communication and learning about each other
I think one important thing is to take it slow and really listen to yourself. If you do, your body will usually let you know how comfortable you are, whether you’re ready to try more, or whether you need to slow down or stop. Don’t be afraid to tell your partner how you’re feeling. In general, choose someone who makes you feel at ease and you can communicate openly with.
There’s no set rule for how sex is supposed to be. There’s nothing you have to do for it to be right no required moves, practices, or outcomes. There’s no script. It’s more about feeling comfortable, exploring, having fun, and not being afraid to be a little vulnerable or awkward. That’s an important part of sex too, in my opinion. It’s not meant to be perfect. When it turns into a performance, people usually enjoy it a lot less.
That said, maybe talk with your partner and reflect on your personal do’s and don’t’s. There’s no one-size-fits-all answer.
Communicate, communicate, communicate.
A woman experiencing penetration from a man experiences physical vulnerability that a man will probably never experience. Women need to trust their partner to not take advantage of them while they are vulnerable.
There is an emotional vulnerability that accompanies that. There is a cycle to that vulnerability: preparing to become vulnerable, being vulnerable and then having been vulnerable.
I hope your partner has some consideration for your vulnerability and pays attention to that cycle.
My first time with penetrative sex was at 30. Waiting so long kinda makes it a bigger deal than it should be. Here’s my advice. Work your way up to penetration at a pace that feels comfortable for you. I don’t mean just as foreplay, I mean you can have date nights that end in dry humping, hand stuff, oral, and finally grinding without penetration. This can allow you to get comfortable with contact and movements and each others bodies.
When it’s finally the big day for penetration (doesn’t necessarily have to be scheduled, but you should both know it’s coming) make sure you’re both clean and feeling good. Hanging out before the deed, don’t eat any greasy or stinky food, give each other compliments, make each other feel sexy. If you haven’t already, talk about your expectations; who is taking the lead, should anyone feel comfortable doing anything without confirmation of readiness, what is automatically on or off limits, how explicit you will be with requests for faster/slower/rougher/gentler. Begin with foreplay, in whatever form you liked best as a couple in the warm up stages.
This part is important: neither of you should expect to finish. It will be a new experience for you, and that puts pressure on the both of you. Depending on a lot of factors this may cause one or both of you to not finish, and that’s okay. What matters is if you have a good time. Relax, focus on giving yourself and him a good time and don’t worry about orgasms. Clear your mind of other thoughts of the day, concentrate on the sensations you are experiencing, make noises, move with him, grab him, smile at him. If you do orgasm, that’s a bonus. If not, it might take a few times. It might help to rub yourself while he is pumping away if you can.
YMMV, and you may feel way more ready to just jump in than I was, but I hope at least something I wrote helps you or some other person who reads this.
Don’t mount pressure on it. First experiences are often the worst.
Don’t forget it’s okay to laugh, sex is fun and can also be funny.
I’m a bit younger but in the same boat. And one thing that I’m super fearful about is judgement or how the other person may react to it because of my age. So thank you for asking this question, the comment section really helps
If it is going to be dry at first when trying to insert, use your own saliva to lube it, not his. Saliva really helps in starting it out, and using your own saliva will probably lessen the foreign bacteria introduced inside.
Do: Discuss sex in detail with a prospective partner beforehand to ensure that you’re on the same page, that they listen to you, and that they’re invested in your pleasure and experience. Bad communication makes for bad sex.
Do: have a plan for contraception other than condoms or withdrawal. Your primary method should be something that you completely control. Beyond that, do insist on either condoms or a recent STD/STI screening.
Do: use lube, even if you don’t think you need it. It improves comfort and pleasure, but it also reduces risk of injury or infection. Choose quality lube, as bad lube can cause infections. Sliquid is really good for water-based lube, and Pjur and Uberlube are great choices for silicone. Although coconut oil can be a good option, it’s completely incompatible with condoms. On that topic, it’s a good idea to supply the condoms so that you can verify their condition, and you should choose Skyn because they’re polyisoprene. It’s basically the same as latex but doesn’t trigger latex allergies.
Do: feel free to change your mind or request adjustments after you’ve already gotten started.
Don’t: focus too hard on trying to make it romantic, spontaneous, or fairytale-esque. Be pragmatic. Real life isn’t scripted and choreographed.
Don’t: compromise on safety/contraceptive measures, and pull the plug if he insists on not wearing a condom. Generally don’t allow yourself to be pressured.
Don’t: think you need to just tough it out if you’re not enjoying it. Slow down, stop, adjust, and reset as needed.
Don’t: rely on natural family planning/cycle tracking exclusively to prevent pregnancy.
If you don’t laugh you aren’t doing it right. Also, it will only get better as you learn each other’s bodies and preferences. Don’t watch porn, as it is a great way to learn how to have bad sex.
I would take it super slow. Not everything must happen on that evening. You should take your time to see if you are comfortable being with less clothes and being touched by another person. Don’t rush that stage. That usually happens in the teenage years! It will can be fun with open communication on both sides
There will be funny noises. Don’t let it get to you, just laugh about it. It’s a fun thing to do, try to not stress out and just have fun with it.
Dont be afraid to say what works and doesnt work while doing it.
Do it with somebody you have fun with. It is awkward and weird, my boyfriend and I laughed at the absurdity of some things. It was fun and we were silly, which made it sweet and memorable in the best way.
A wise physicians assistant told me when I was 17, always use condoms, because once you don’t, it’s hard to go back because it’s so much easier. That real life advice really stuck with me.
Do:
Don’t:
Good luck!
Lost my virginity at 24 as I was also waiting until I was naturally 100% comfortable and sure I wanted to sleep with someone. Despite how sure I was (and I still don’t regret it) I went completely numb lmao like this man could’ve slapped me and I wouldn’t have felt a thing. It was a very weird out of body experience as i was aware of what was happening but physically I didn’t feel a thing. It took until the third time I had sex for this feeling to subside, again even though I was excited the second time I went numb. So be ready for a body response you didn’t think at all you would have since you’re sure how ready you are. Have lube on hand just in case, personally I didn’t need it but everyone is different. I also told the guy I was with that I was a virgin (never have done any foreplay before him) so he was patient as well in taking initiative as a way to show me how things flow but still being gentle.
If you’re using a condom, look for lube or ones that will avoid sensitivity or allergy issues (especially with latex if you have one).
Communication of what feels good and bad is important, and don’t feel like you can’t take control if you feel like it
Do – communicate before during an after about expectations and assumptions you’re making about the experience
Don’t – be in your head the whole time afraid to speak up about anything and just hope it goes magically, it generally won’t the first couple times. Some people just happen to naturally be very sexually compatible and it’s cool when it happens but it’s not the norm. So if something isn’t going as well as you’d hope, just tell the guy what you want to try and why.
Don’t do it all at once. Follow the “base system” kids used in high school to describe sex: let making out become touching above the waist, then below the waist, then oral, then intercourse. This process of deepening physical intimacy happens over multiple sessions, or even weeks or months, all depending on how fast you feel comfortable moving. By the time you actually get to piv you’ll know each other’s bodies well already and be ready for it.
Shower first or right before. It’s better when everyone is freshly clean. Take your time. Sometimes we can get too in our heads to orgasm. Make sure you get clitoral stimulation. It’ll take some time to get comfortable with him and figure out what positions you like or don’t like.
You don’t owe anything to anyone. Take your time. Listen to your gut. If a guy is taking you out for a nice dinner and you had quality time, that doesn’t mean you owe him anything physical…. That’s the hardest lesson I learnt where I slept with a guy just bcoz he was nice in first few dates. Men flip once they get access to your body. So be very careful. Good luck
A lot of women can’t orgasm from penetration alone! I need clitoral stimulation as well so don’t be afraid to touch yourself or even break out a small vibrator to help!
Relax and don’t put a bunch of pressure on yourself!! (I know easier said than done lol)
Always always always pee before and after sex. But if you forget to before you’ll likely be okay, but if you forget after you may find yourself suffering the pains of a UTI. always pee after sex.
Hi there,
I wanted to say that… first times can be messy, and often disappointing.
Also, there are tons of posts in this sub about men that are less than stellar and knowledgeable.
I just wanted to say in advance.
The first times are often not the magical experience from the movies. Chances are more likely it could be a bit of a “that was it.”
I was interested to encourage you to keep at it. Definitely don’t blame yourself if it’s not perfect.
It takes time, and practise, and most importantly finding a partner with a synergy, which can be elusive for everyone.
It takes time. Enjoy the journey and good luck.
I would choose someone with some experience with a few women, but mostly longer term relationships. Better odds they will be generous lovers.
Versus someone who dates a ton, but only dates someone for a few weeks before moving on. Or someone who is also a virgin and has zero experience.
Remember porn is designed to show the most to the camera, not what feels good in real life. Similarly, erotica is designed to get in your head with extended convoluted fantasies about being desired by powerful people – but real life can just be a couple suburban coworkers at a Marriott.
You don’t need to hype yourself up to “be ready” just show up, let things unfold. Ideally DO know how to get yourself off, but a good lover will WANT to do the work of getting you there.
In my experience, mature men LOVE pleasing their woman, and like to show her his skills. So don’t get too in your head about “am I doing XYZ right for him” – mostly you want to RESPOND to things you like with clear enthusiasm so he does more of that.
Your best odds for cumming are him getting you off before penetration, there is a popular sex book called “she comes first”… so don’t be surprized if thats his goal.
Both especially small and especially large men will lean on oral heavily. The smaller fellow to try and get you there and thats his best skill, and the larger guy because he can not safely penetrate you until you are warmed up.
If you have a toy that works well, bring that. Also lube you like. Real life can be messy, lots of people keep baby wipes and extra towels handy for cleanup after.
Headsup, in stressful “first time together” situations, sometimes your hoohoo with mess with you and start your period early. You did nothing wrong, it’s just part of the mystery. Most guys will still just roll with it.
Don’t over think it, it feels like a big deal because you don’t know what to expect for your exact situation… but realistically the first time may not be a magical perfect memory. It’s more likely to have kinda clumsy gestures, moments that pinch, not quite catching a rythym…
Thats because sex is a physical skill, like playing guitar… no one is great the first time they play. No one expects two trained musicians to play together perfectly the first time they make a band… so you have two new things at once, set low expectations.
Head-sup, guys are emotional too. He may get so nervous to make you happy, that his equipment fails it’s flight check. Thats not personal, just change gears and switch to massage or have a drink.
Consent, consent, CONSENT!
I can only comment from a guys POV of losing my virginity later in life (I also lost mine at 30 to a very kind and understanding woman), but I want to add this:
Always remember it’s OK to be nervous and it’s OK to still say no during the act. I know you say you are aware of consent, but I really want to drive home that you should always ALWAYS be able to stop. Don’t put too much pressure just to lose it, you will still be the same person the next day. Try to enjoy the experience and be vocal about what you like and don’t like. He won’t know what feels good to you unless you tell him. I truly hope you have a great time, I was very fortunate for my first time.
In addition to peeing after sex, I recommend getting some pH balanced feminine wash. Down There Wash by Goodwipes is my fav. I am no stranger to UTI’s after sex, personally just peeing after wasn’t enough for me. I tried washing as well but a wash formulated for my lady bit was finally the key. Washing myself with this after sex has been my sure fire secret to avoiding UTI’s. Plus you feel nice and clean afterward! Highly recommend
In my experience:
some guys have an obsession with recording things, and try to wear you down even when you say no. Think about this platform reddit, think about the sex subs where they post this shit, think about if this guy would even delete the video if you happened to stop talking, think about the power he has in having it. If this is unappealing to you, firmly say no and stop if he doesn’t listen.
Also, I know you said you know about STDs, but sometimes they don’t even know. Chlamydia can go more asymptomatic in men than women, but they can still fully pass it to a woman and it will be hell for her and unnecessarily expensive (depending on insurance). No matter how much he begs, KEEP THAT CONDOM ON and don’t rely too heavily on words alone “no, I don’t have anything.”
Also, not an STD, but UTIs can commonly come from sex when a guy goes from the back door to front. Don’t do this, this is not porn, but indeed real life.
And if he tries these crazy stunts that you are not ok with/are uncomfortable, again, don’t hesitate to say no and don’t feel pressured to call it off if he doesn’t listen. This is not porn, but indeed real life.
It’s been said but it’s worth re-iterating, communication is absolutely critical. If you’re ever the slightest bit uncomfortable just say so.
Speaking as a man, (I’m my experience) nothing is more important than your partner being comfortable and feeling safe. The rest will follow. So let him know!
I know thats easier said than done but…yeah, best advice I can give
So your vagina actually stretches.
When you first have sex, it’s going to stretch in a way that may actually hurt, but it’s normal. Over time, it gets used to stretching. Not necessarily over one session
I’d say it hurt almost the entire time the first time. The second time it hurt the first five minutes, then the next time only a couple minutes, then a twinge of pain right as it went in…
It was about 6 months of frequent sex before that initial pain stopped happening. It hasn’t happened in 11 years.
Don’t even expect your first time to be good. Know that it does actually get really great, just not the first time.
I laughed a lot and in my case he reciprocated in the laughing/fun mood so it was enjoyable. Probably the best part of that whole relationship? The sex was unplanned just a natural and super fun extension of us already messing around with each other off and on through the day. We did it more than once and I don’t recall being achy the next day just kind of…aware that I for sure had a vagina that had been sexed. Weird but only way I could explain it.
I think the fact that we had been starting and stopping quite a bit for a while made it a lot easier for me to back off when I wasn’t comfortable which in turn made be very brave that day.
Find someone you can laugh with. Silly stuff can happen and it’s okay to be a little bit silly it will make you more comfortable.
I’d suggest working your way up to full on sex slowly, you two will learn about each other’s preferences and bodies, it’ll take away the pressure off any specific day to do it, and it just feels natural!
There’s many steps you can go through, making out, then adding exploring hands, then maybe less clothes, then maybe tops off, then maybe add a cuddle/sleep afterwards, then increasing amounts of foreplay…
All of these things can be milestones you can achieve days, weeks or more apart, it will add a bit of magic and anticipation to the experience, but most importantly you can progress through all of these at your own pace making sure you are comfortable at each step.
Don’t be a star fish or pillow princess
He is already in the loop, so that takes care of one point for me.
Talk, and be ready for stop- and-go action and laughter. First times, or even first times with a new partner can be as awkward and funny as they are exciting. Don’t take any of that personally. That’s just the goofiness of our bodies.
I see a lot about consent and safety here already, so I will reinforce, but not repeat. Take it easy, enjoy, don’t make it into a huge thing that can’t live up to expectations.
For him: Take it slow. Be ready to stop in an instant no matter what state you’re in. It’s her first time and should be all about testing what she likes and doesn’t. Let her steer as much as possible, and always make her feel like it’s OK to shut things down and try again later. This is a very vulnerable and open time for her, treat it as such. Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay. When you think she’s ready, a little more foreplay.
It’s supposed to be fun! Let it be fun. Giggle together. It’s absolutely awkward at times. But overall, it’s a good time!
Ok I mean this so so seriously: you have solo experience. Absolutely use your hand or whatever to do the same thing with him, during. I’m only slightly older than you but I learned concretely when young that women don’t O from PiV alone very often, that is true, don’t expect it (sometimes it happens but it’s like a fun bonus!). Take ownership. You will have a much nicer time.
Read COME AS YOU ARE by Emily Nagoski
Starting with oral is a great way to go. No need to jump straight to PIV. Take your time. Lots of foreplay. Be sure it all feels right.
Make sure he cleans his dick lmao
you should probably block RedditCareResources user also, because a lot of people get a kick out of “reporting” stuff. Otherwise just relax and have fun. It may be “good” or it may be “bad”, but don’t worry about it too much. What he does that first time may be an indication of where he is at in regards to your needs and his willingness to fulfill them.
Don’t give head to someone who won’t go down on you.
Lube.
Be sure before getting hooked! He might be acting nice because he is getting a virgin!’ All men’s are mostly same—- he would’ve been fine even he knew you had sexx in past be very judgemental don’t get fucked just like that and later regret this is a very special feel
Sex is awkward, particularly when it is new. Real sex isn’t like movies or porn. It isn’t pretty. There are noises, smells, and tastes that media rarely even touches on. I know that just telling someone to relax never has that effect, but that is what is most needed to really enjoy it. For me it was absolutely necessary to focus on the touch and reactions from my partner as well as the intensity of my own responses to the touch I received in return. If you stray off into imagining how you might appear to a spectator or your partner you may never even get off the ground. If he really cared about some random fat fold or queef that may make you want to curl up in embarrassment, he wouldn’t be there. In order for you to enjoy it, you need to drop the mental clutter and focus on that touch like you do when masturbating. The difference is that there is a wonderful unpredictability with a partner that is missing in most solo sex. (Masterbation via shower massage head comes closest to that feel.) Accept that the act of sex looks like a cosmic joke and you may be the punch line and go ahead with it anyway. Give direction for what you want and accept it in return within the framework of acts you are OK with. I am incapable of speech during good sex so for me that means the poor guy has to be able to accept being shoved in the direction I want him to go rather than clear instruction, but you may not be so limited. It is very much a give and take and I wish you both the best of luck for a wonderful experience. Knowing your situation as you say he does, he will likely feel pressure to do well and make it a good experience for you so you are also part of putting him at ease as well. Mutual sex can be very hot sex. Best wishes.
You obviously know yourself, but I’d recommend being sober, or at least not drunk.
I had a mutual friend in college I’d hook up with when we were at parties from time to time, she was a virgin, I was not.
3rd or 4th time we got pretty drunk, not beyond consent levels or anything, but fairly drunk, and she wanted to go all the way. I talked her out of it, and she thanked me later saying she would’ve regretted being quite drunk for her first time.
Everyone’s different, but I’d imagine her perspective was not an uncommon one.
Enjoy the moment. Be in it.
Communicate your expectations and definitely make sure he lets you go first. Relax. And know that sometimes awkward things happen to all of us during sex. Have a good time!!
Be as selective as you want.
Don’t pre-emptively judge any possible future instances by the first instance. Even with the same person, the subsequent times are gonna be different, for better or worse.
Communicate, communicate, communicate! If you start to feel uncomfortable, say so. If you feel like you want to try something different, say so. And importantly, if you feel like you want to stop, say you want to stop.
Don’t agree to do anything you’re not sure about because you want to appear sexy.
If they do anything that’s unexpected and you did not like (ex: a surprise spank that hurt too much, a very rough boob grab, biting), it is OK to walk out.
Have fun, be safe and open to love x
Have fun, be clumsy, ask questions, laugh, foreplay and more foreplay.
It’s my opinion that good sex is made, not had.
Just have fun. That is the most important.
unless u want to start a family, insist on contraceptive? how trust worthy is this guy (maybe this is the first thing to consider)? some sneaky guys they tamper with contraceptive. OR, they stealthily remove contraceptive at some point. just something to be aware of. guess just be mindful and aware of your situation so you don’t get caught off guard.
and remember, you can always say no/stop if you do decide to change your mind at any point. nobody can tell you otherwise making you 2nd guess yourself.
Never twist under tribay when giving a ZJ.
Do use a condom. Don’t over think it… you’ll be fine.