(TL;DR)I’m wondering if my bfs lack of conflict resolution is grounds for re-evaluating the relationship, or if I need to pick my battles
We have been dating for a little over a year but have known each other for around 8. Things are generally going well, but I have some aspects which I’ve voiced to him that make me uncomfortable. One being the number of items in his house from his ex. She was an artist and he had well over a hundred of her creations in his house. Oh, and her dog. I told him it felt like a museum of her and it was like pulling teeth to get him to put away SOME of the items which he did begrudgingly. (Note: they were put away, not gotten rid of). I had no say in what/how much. He decided on his own and didn’t want to discuss it again. There’s still a good number of functional pieces in use throughout the house that I’ve accepted it is what it is and there’s no more use complaining.
Another thing that makes me uncomfortable is the contact he retains with a past tenant of his, (~28f, single). She lived in one of his properties for a whopping 3 months over a year ago with her now ex bf, during which she had a baby. She still texts him sometimes to ask to come to the property to visit the farm animals. The part that makes me uncomfortable is that she sends pictures of her baby with his animals, which has now evolved to him receiving a picture of the baby not at his property. My bf even once made a joke that it seems like she wants him to join her family. A joke which he says I can’t hold against him because he doesn’t remember making it. At any rate, I told him it makes me uncomfortable that he engages and asked that he just lets her know she can come by whenever, and not respond with encouragement or anything that might possibly lead her on. I got excuses and an eye roll.
I asked him last night to make sure he didn’t have any concerns or questions or anything about me moving in. One of the things he brought up was that he said I needed to stop being jealous, about his ex and this past tenant. He has never felt bad or apologetic when I brought up these things, he responds in annoyance, dismisses or frustration saying he’s not going to talk about it again.
I’m now stuck in my head wondering if I’m being too insecure or dramatic and need to just get over it, or if his lack of consideration for my comfort is a red flag I shouldn’t be ignoring. I’ve moved around so much due to jobs, etc. That I really don’t want to uproot my life again if this type of issue is just going to reoccur. I don’t need to be in this relationship. But I want to be because otherwise I love this man. I have the benefit of not having a timeline that I need to be out or my current place or into his.
Comments
This isn’t about jealousy, but about respect. I would sit him down and try to have a real conversation with him, and if he keeps shutting you out or minimizing your feelings, he is not a person you should wanna live with.
I think it’s a red flag that you’re at the point of moving in together, and instead of working with you to make this a shared home with a shared say in what art is displayed, he’s instead putting his foot down about not wanting to hear “jealousy” over the hundreds of his ex’s pieces in HIS house. Is there going to be any room to put up any art that’s meaningful to your current relationship, or will there be a forever fight where he insists on leaving up all his ex’s work? I think you’re right to think carefully about this — and demand some respectful and productive conversations — before moving in.