I’m going to try and nail everything down right in this post and do my best to portray everything the way it is. We have been together for almost 12 years and married for almost 5. We have one special needs son (4). He takes after my side of the family. In the beginning of our relationship everything was great, we had sex often and you could just see the love between us. But I worked a lot of hours (I literally worked during the day, and during the night) and eventually I hurt my sciatica really bad. So sex slowed down, and our relationship took on some new anger. If I would refuse because I was hurt or if I wanted to take a little nap before going back to work during the night, she became a whole different person. Were talking straight up telling me shell just go fuck someone else or I dont love her and why was I even with her. I understand rejection sucks and sometimes I’m sure I was not so nice about it. Lack of sleep made me very easily agitated and along with the back pain I could snap at her very quickly at times. I got better and things resumed, just slightly slowed down. Up until about a year before she got pregnant. She started saying she didnt want sex anymore and it was my fault for telling her no back in the day and I should have taken it while I got it (she still reiterates these points to this day). So I blamed myself for awhile. Fast forward were married the baby is here and were both busy and stressed as hell, but now we dont even sleep with each other let alone sex. There are no more kisses or cuddles or really intimacy and everything feels like a fight with her. She is super aggressive anymore and if you dont agree with her its whatever you’re always right. Or if I try to talk to her about something it’s why dont you just leave me then since I’m so horrible (I have never once said she is anything other then perfect to me I love her dearly). But it’s literally like a whole different person. Before we were married she said she was saving oral for marriage but after marriage, actually within the past year, she admitted she had lied and never intended to do it ever. And within the past year she has started saying she is just asexual? I just dont know what to do anymore. I own the house she isnt anywhere on the paperwork I bought it myself and were both on the cars. I used to make way more then her but now with our sons condition and all his therapy I took a step back and manage all his needs and schooling so I dont make much anymore. She is the breadwinner these days . We split the chores equally for the most part (every now and then one of us has a bad few days and doesnt do as many chores and the other person picks up the slack it’s happened both ways).and she only works 3 days a week ( i work 5 and like I said handle the little one in the morning getting him to school and such even on her off days) so I’m trying to give her her alone time and relaxation time. I’m doing everything I can, back massages, I’m the one that cooks dinner and shops, i let her pick what we do. I dont want to be without my wife I love her so much and I find her to be an amazing person. But I also dont want to be celibate the rest of my life and the whole emotional reaction of a 5 year old anytime I try to bring something up is getting old. We have a normal amount of fighting I think? Idk my mom took off when I was a baby so I never had a relationship that i could learn from as a child if that makes sense? And her parents are divorced also and just straight trash. Dad is an alcoholic and her mom would bring home random guys every night so I know she didnt have any good relationships to look up to as a child also. I just really dont know what to do anymore or even how to approach this. I have my first therapy appointment today after work and I am going it helps overtime. I have asked for couples counseling for the past couple years but she always refuses or goes quiet. I am just at its end and could use advice or outside thoughts or something other then the thoughts I keep spiraling down. My son has a great support system with us both and we do our best. But I have to ask for hugs or a kiss and when she doesn’t come over after I ask she hugs me with one arm and pats me on the back… I dont want to live the rest of my life like this and idk what to do or how to fix it. I tried to be as honest as I could and I tried to show us both under the same light. We both have done good and bad in the relationship.
TL;DR
My wife and I have been having intimacy issues, she says she is asexual, I am unsure if I want a divorce or to keep trying to make it work.