So long story shortish, we’ve been together just over 10 years, we have a kid, dog and done everything together been through everything.
So we both have good careers finally doing very well in both of them, I work away which isn’t something new. We had problems about it so I’ve been looking to change careers to make her life easier. (I’ve quit other good careers in the past to keep her happy) but in the last few months while looking for a job at home, I’ve noticed she’s become very secretive with her phone which was never a thing. Then her coworker who we got a long very well he never did anything want to hang out the 2 years she worked with him so whatever. The last 4 months me and him became close every time I was off he would be coming over to our place for BBQs and what not. Then I took a leave of absence of work because I knew my fiancé was having a hard time. So when I flew home that night she had our daughter in bed and she had a fire and few drinks ready for me and was dressed real nice. I figured everything was all fine. Then the next morning she had to go into work for overtime at 6am. Her alarm went off but she just pressed snooze. So while in the shower it went off again so I raced to turn it off so it wouldn’t wake up our daughter. Then I noticed the messages from this guy very sexual and she was flirting and everything back with him. I never went through her phone before in our 10 years together. So I confronted her about it and said yes she has feelings for him because I was away working and he kept pushing to be in her life.
But with all of this sorry if it’s all over the place I’m absolutely devastated she is the love of my life. But for my leave of absence of work me and her had so much planned, but somethings he was randomly invited which made no sense because he hated all these things. She says she’s sorry it’s because she was lonely, and he was giving her attention. But I’ve always gave her the love she looked for just I was away a bit more this year so we could save up for a new home and better things for our daughter. She honestly says she’s sorry she blocked him on everything and says she will do whatever it takes for this to work. She keeps saying I’m perfect for her and she didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I don’t know if I should believe her. I’m absolutely crushed, I feel lost I have no idea what to do. She is the love of my life I thought we were forever but I just don’t know if I can trust her ever again, or is she just waiting for the right time to leave me now. I need some advice.
Again sorry if this is all over the place my mind is racing. This is a throwaway account
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Only you know if you can forgive her. I think the best thing to do is if possible give yourself space to process this if possible. You need to show her you are capable of stepping away. Truly think about whether or not you can trust her again, if so carry on, if not then you have to end things
How far did she go with him?
Has she admitted it became physical or is she playing the “trickle truth” on you to keep you from completely cancelling the wedding / engagement and ending everything?
Let go my guy, she won’t stop.
She admitted having feelings for him……………Forget her.
Every time he was over they had sex. It’s called trickle truth. Unless she’s quitting her job she’ll see him every day. She basically just told you that everytime there is distance either physical or relationship wise she will look elsewhere. Do not marry her.
Did anything in the texts mention anything about them having taken it further? How far did you look into the texts
If you aren’t there someone else will. Time to move her to where you work.
What has she done to make you feel more secure that you have the whole story and more secure going forward?
Ask your child if he spends the night.
If you actually love her that much you’ll find it in you to forgive her and try again but will it be worth it? Apart from this, are you happy with her? Were you happy before?
I get it that she’d have an affair while you were away and all, the loneliness. But you came back and you said she’s been so secret with her phone, it means it’s a constant thing. It didn’t stop when you became more present. Your presence wasn’t enough anymore for her. Which is ok, if we want to walk the path of forgiveness. I’m not questioning her feelings. Was she a good wife? Was it a good relationship for the past year or so? Did you feel loved?
Because, honestly, if we love someone it’s very very easy to forgive their mistakes. But before doing so we need to evaluate if the high is worth the pain.
We tend to think and talk about long relationships like they’re something that keeps summing up but love is a daily choice. Every day you’re a good or a bad husband is a choice you make. Every day you’re faithful or not it’s a choice you make. If we disregard the affair, what were the other choices she made? Was she a good partner?
You will be able to trust her again if you really love her that much and she will be able to change and stay faithful if she really loves you as much but the only guarantee you have about her love is the way she’s been treating you in the last few years. Does she really love you? Do you feel loved by her? Is it worth staying together? If you didn’t have a daughter would you consider remaining together? Because if not you better just talk about maintaining a good relationship afterwards.
And don’t ever fight her nor say anything bad about her in front of your daughter if you divorce. She’ll never believe she was conceived out of the love between you too if you keep holding grudges for one another after the separation. If you follow this path, you’ll have to come into terms to make this as smooth as possible for her.
Don’t marry her without a bullet proof prenup
My brother, they are playing you for a fool. Leave her and tell him off. Move back, go for joint custody of your daughter, get a DNA test, and do NOT FALL FOR HER LIES.
It doesn’t matter if they kissed, sucked, fkd, she will do it all again and more besides the fact that I’m LYING TO YOU. I have been here my friend, I speak from experience. You need to be strong and leave her on the streets where she belongs.
Ask yourself this: So you are out there working, busting your butt, and he is home spending time and playing house with some other guy, not even giving you a thought? Yeah, let that sink in. She was thinking about you at any time during this, unless it was to collect your paycheck.
Call him up and tell him he can have the skank.
A relationship is built on trust and respect. She destroyed both. You will never trust her again. If you take her back you will be triggered by things she does for as long as you’re together. You can read so many of these stories her on Reddit. I’m so sorry but cheating is a dealbreaker. There is no excuse for cheating. She had 2 choices. 1) approach you and fix her lonely issue, 2) end the relationship. To cheat is not an option. She chose to hurt you in the worst way a lover can. Sorry.
Expose her she has been fucking this dude. She might be telling everyone lies about you.
You haven’t wasted ten years. You’ve got a kid and you’ve got yourself and all of the family, friends, etc., that you’ve found happiness in. One person doesn’t make a life. You say that none of this is her character but this is her character. She was showing you a woman who had a good moral character but meanwhile, she actively chose to cheat on you. She chose to send every message she sent. She chose not to stop him from sending such messages. She chose to flirt, to kiss, to lie to you, to disrespect you and your relationship, to emotionally attach herself to another man, etc. Those are not things that someone of good character do. Someone of good character would have had conversations with you about any supposed troubles she was having with her supposed loneliness and sure as shit would have told him to fuck off with his come ons and disrespect. And that’s if he’s even the one to start it? Maybe she did.
Get yourself a lawyer, get your ducks in a row, and move onward and upward. Please don’t chain yourself to someone who was not going to stop cheating but for the fact that you caught her. Why would you trust her at all? Why do you think this is the only time something like this has happened in the past ten years?
Break up and learn to co parent. If she wants to work it out, ask her how is she going to gain back trust?
What are the steps she is going to take . I always hear about how they blocked someone on everything. But you can unblock someone in a second. So what is the point. If is was through social media, they delete it permanently and no longer have profiles. If they did it through their phone and messages. They get a new phone with a new number, and it is set up like a child’s. Then a tracker, so you know where they are. If they are not willing to do this then it is over. I like telling people that you say to post what they did in a public post in all their socials. Not blaming g you and tagging the other person, stating they want to work it out with you. It exposes what they have done, exposes the affair partner and forces the wayward to come to terms that she or he needs to help you heal. True remorse is about helping you heal and move on.
Was it an emotional and/or physical affair? It does not bode well that if you are away she looks for comfort elsewhere.
As soon as you are deployed again, dude will be sleeping over.
Best to end it. You can’t trust her. She’s a lying cheater now… nothing more. Use her as a FB until she realizes you are never going to marry her. Then dump her.
It’s all she’s good for now.
She has proven she is not wife material.
Updateme
>She keeps saying I’m perfect for her and she didn’t mean for any of this to happen.
That’s irrelevant. Real question is: Is she perfect for you? Unless you enjoy getting cheated on and then blamed for it, then the answer is no. Make a decision for yourself. It doesn’t matter what she wants, ask yourself what you want. Cheaters love to control the narrative, don’t fall for it.
The level of disrespect your GF had for you is staggering… She would have the AP invited and be near without any remorse, all the while having feelings for him and hooking up and maybe more.
Maybe it’s time to ask for a separation to feel her reaction .