Check my history if you need some insight into where we are at in this post. And yes I know I have a SO problem, he’s deep, DEEP in the fog. He won’t do counselling and we are not married. I own my home.
It’s been three weeks since we’ve seen MIL at my eldest’s birthday party, where she tried to hold my baby from my family and played tug of war with her. Pouting and power plays soon followed and she left without saying goodbye to me.
A week later she deliberately did not acknowledge my toddler birthday on the day, to hurt her own son because they had a small disagreement the night before and she was still mad at him for it.
I told my partner that a grandmother weaponising our children to prove her point was absolutely disgusting so he followed that up by telling her I was angry with her when she called like nothing happened a few days later. Of course she said she didn’t mean it that way, she was upset and she will make it right to me by not calling me of course but wanting a sit down…. A week goes by of me silently waiting than two and the goal post forever changed. Now she says I have to approach her.
In the meantime they’re talking daily on the phone and we are fighting… she’s been guilting him to come around to bring over her clothes she left here (every visit she leaves something here to dictate another visit) and that she misses the kids but we’ve had Covid so he’s been using that as an excuse to hide behind why he hasn’t dropped everything for her.
My partner said yesterday I had to go to her house to talk with her and lay it to rest with both my children in tow and she has a big shiny unnecessary non age appropriate present for my eldest. She’s always there for us and has made one mistake (untrue) and just been through so much and has all these feelings that get in the way. I said frankly I don’t give a fuck about your mums feelings when it comes to our kids. I said I’ve done nothing wrong, I don’t have to do anything.
He was meant to visit her yesterday but he dipped out so she punished him today by making plans (after he promised the toddler she would see her grandmother this morning) and had him wait by the phone all day until she was ready and called at 4pm.
The toddler and him rushed right over, I did not go and neither did the baby. I told him I’m not going to go chase an apology from her or be guilted with some gift. He comes back all giddy how his mum burst into tears upon seeing our eldest, as she thought she’d never see her again. I rolled my eyes so fucking hard and said “was it all theatrics? or did she actually say she wanted to apologise for her wrong doings?”… and now apparently I’m being a piece of shit… I know he would of jumped at the chance to tell me she was sorry if she had said so, so I must of hit a nerve.
Oh and the big flashy present she has for my LO? He has to go over there next week to build it because MIL couldn’t do it herself. Toddler didn’t even see it. Her birthday was weeks ago. Another Trojan horse to monopolise his time. She couldn’t give a shit about our toddler. What she really wants (aside from complete control) is our baby, as in her words “she can’t run away from me”.
After today’s visit he told me he’s taking our baby over there because MIL wants to see her and I can’t be a hypocrite and weaponise our children and hold her from his family. I don’t want to give this lady an inch when she treats my children like toys. I told him I haven’t gate keeped the kids I’ve waited silently and patiently for weeks for her to make things right like she said she wanted to.
If I have to hand over my EBF baby, the toddler will be going to, so MIL can’t just play mum with my baby, she can parent my wild two year old simultaneously whilst my partner builds that dumb toy. I can hear the arguments between them from here as I’m relaxing at the massage parlour 😆
Tomorrow is his sister’s birthday and he’s making tentative plans without my input. MIL will be there and I don’t think I can keep a straight face around her but I don’t want her having easy access to my baby. I also don’t want to cause a scene on SIL birthday either. I really resent this witch and want her to own what she did. I can’t fake it anymore. If I’m going to go I plan to baby wear and put my resting bitch face on, something I’ve never done once in two years of having my children.
What should I do about tomorrow? I can’t keep the kids from their own father if he wants to spend time with his family. My toddler will enjoy the day with her cousins. His mother isn’t going to go away even if we seperate, just like I’m not going to go away for her either.
I feel sick thinking of this covert narc using my six month old baby for supply and as a trophy whilst discarding my very aware toddler, until it suits her image and ignoring me the only person who is making her accountable. I feel so trapped knowing I’m the only one who can see this woman for who she is whilst my partner coos on about her being this sweet and innocent old lady whose always suffering (she’s 60 not even that old).
I’m in such a tough place.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/Spare_Tutor_8057:
Icing on the cake (update), 1 week ago
The Icing on the Cake, 1 week ago
^(To be notified as soon as Spare_Tutor_8057 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe Spare_Tutor8057 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) [^(click here.)](https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/wiki/index#wiki.2Fu.2Fthejustnobot)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
Either you are going to have to be comfortable being the bitch and your home being full of tension while you fight with your husband because you’re putting down boundaries, or you need to give him the choice of marriage counseling or divorce. You’re right that you can’t keep his family from your children if you separate, but you’re apparently not willing to put your foot down while you’re together and cut them off and not allow them around your children too. Are you willing to live in this unhappy marriage (and your children witness this thinking it’s normal) while your husband continues to not respect you? Because he doesn’t. He doesn’t care that his mother dangles things in front of your children and doesn’t care that she doesn’t even respect him because he thinks the sun shines out of her ass. His mommy comes first and let’s be honest, he KNOWS he’s wrong and that’s why he’s refusing counseling because he doesn’t want someone else calling him out. He wants to be selfish and keep the status quo for his own reasons and comfort. At this point if you separated things wouldn’t be much different than they are now but you could have peace with this woman out of your life, and maybe find a real partner who will be a true partnership with you instead of you being in the back of the line.
If they don’t respect YOU then why are they being given access to your children without you? It’s a fucking reward for bad behavior
Honestly I would send SIL a text telling her you can’t make it but will do something just the two of you later. As for you SO, he has to pick the mother of his children or his horrible mother.
I’d tell him if he thinks he’s taking my EBF baby from me to take to his mother who herself said she’d apologise to me, he could damn well stay there.
I’d be prepared to end the farce and he can go be her little baby – he could dress up like a baby for her too for all I’d care.
Why’s he chasing her love/attention so hard? Where’s his self respect?
I’d ask him if he’s willing to ruin his marriage for his relationship with his mother? Because THAT is what’s going on.
She wants you to grovel for an apology. His mother’s “apology” is dependent on YOU coming over to visit with children. That isn’t an apology. It’s dependent on you making effort, not her (and it’s unlikely she would give it). That’s putting the children in the middle of an issue.
Clearly he’s rug sweeping her actions/words and prioritizing his mother’s wants, needs, desires and time.
My husband pulled some similar crap when my DS was EBF around that age. My line to him was “You can have a mother or wife, but not both right now. Which one are you choosing?” If you ask, know his answer might be the end of your marriage or the start of some serious counseling.
WHY are you with this “man”?
It’s abusive for your children to be subjected to “dads” and mil constant emotional manipulations and tantrums and name calling and silent treatment ETC ETC ETC
The EBF baby doesn’t go if you don’t go, and why would you go? He can take the toddler who’ll have a good time. He does NOT get to dictate where your baby goes. Fucks sake. Does she really need more babies around than him anyway?
Ebf baby doesn’t go anywhere without you. Even a judge wouldn’t make that demand so they can fuck off. Your kids don’t go where you don’t go and if he can’t get that through his head he needs to move in with mommy and become the every other weekend dad he’s building up to be.
If you go to the party, baby wear. Keep LO on you the whole time. I would instead pack up anything that belongs to his mom and his stuff and tell him he has a choice. Counseling or he can take everything to his mom’s house and live with hrr.
Baby wear and say she’s teething and cranky.
No respect for Mom of baby = no access to baby (or toddler)!
There is no way in hell this woman would get to see my children without apologizing and agreeing to respect boundaries. After accepting what she has to do to see the children, they can visit her with their father. There is no need of you going along (after EBF is over of course). I have a feeling she’ll stop even these visits once she figures out toddlers tell Mommy everything they hear and see.
As another said, baby wear – put her on and DO NOT take her off. And I know you don’t want to divorce this manchild, but I would put my foot down and tell him if he wants to save his marriage and family, then he needs to agree to therapy STAT.
Op, I think you know you need to helicopter up to 50 thousand feet and see the bigger picture rather than a SIL birthday tomorrow. You aren’t married to this man and you own your home. Yes, you’re in a tough spot with two kids, but you have options and choices. He’s making plans without you, which is a bad sign in a partnership. My DH has a history of, ahem, under communicating, but he doesn’t do it deliberately. Big difference.
Maybe it’s time for a “what are your priorities?” talk with this immature guy and an unvarnished discussion about the future of this relationship if he doesn’t rethink his priorities.
Stop letting your partner dictate what you are going to do. He is only interested in keeping his mother happy at yours and your children’s expense. He obviously is not interested in doing what is right for your little family so you need to step in a protect yourself and your children. Is this how you want the rest of your life to go? You need to make it clear (if you choose to) that either he 1) accepts your boundaries 2) goes to couples therapy 3) he can get out of your house and move back in with his mother.
You need to take back your power
Nope. Tell him you’re not going, and you’re not interested in whatever she has to say. He can go if he wants, but you just don’t care. She’s his crazy mother, not yours, so she’s his responsibility. Stop putting up with both of their idiotic behaviors. You allow way too much.
Be very clear with your partner that he is on a fasttrack to losing you out of his life permanently with his choices. Ask him whether he cares enough to save his family to get therapy or if he’s just going to let you all walk out of his life and have to pay child support and fight you for custody.
Be very clear with him that right now he is failing as a husband entirely and demonstrating that he is a weak mommy’s boy that cannot defend his family.
You should be NC with this woman. Your children should too.
Welcome to the classic MIL power trip, starring manipulation and emotional hostage-taking. Your partner’s stuck in fog, you’re stuck playing referee in a family circus nobody signed up for. Keep the baby close, keep your spine harder than her guilt trips. Tomorrow? Play the cool, unbothered queen. Let her know you’re there, but you’re not playing her game.
Boundaries are your friend.
Write them out, get him to agree to them since they’re perfectly reasonable. For example “when we ask MIL for the baby, she must give it back.” Or “no baby hogging at family events”.
Hold him to the boundaries once she starts violating them.
You need to care less about his getting emotionally manipulated. I’d set a boundary that he can see his mom, but you don’t want to hear about it. Stick to your guns and change the sbuject or walk away when he tries to bring her up. Stay cool, even if your angry. “Sorry H, i told you i didn’t want to hear it, how about this bean dip, so good, huh???”
You need to get real good at the grey rock method.
He’s signing up for this, don’t enable him by letting him drag you through the emotional turmoil he’s volunteering for. “Sorry your mom treats you like that.” And move on.
Make him acutely aware that she has always been the problem.
Baby wear, she can’t hold a baby who is straped to you. She gets to see just not hold. I just love petty
Make sure you think before you ever get married to him as I always say why buy the bull when you get the💩 for free
Sounds like your MIL is a master manipulator. Your partner’s denial is enabling her toxic behavior. You need to prioritize your kids’ well-being and set firm boundaries. Don’t attend the birthday party if you’re not comfortable with her behavior. If you do go, babywearing and resting bitch face might be the best approach.
As a guy that never really got along with my own mother, mommy’s boys do my fucking head in. Wife/partner comes first. Always.
Honestly, you’re the sane one here. Let your partner deal with his circus solo, no need for you to show up and pretend. Baby wear, rest that bitch face, and let him handle the fallout. Your priority is your peace, not a hostage to his mom’s drama. If he wants to keep playing puppet, that’s on him.
Your MIL is horrible, and your husband isn’t much better. It’s time for the two-card option…