I’m 23m, she’s 22f turning 23 in a few months. We’ve been together for about 1 year and 3 months. She lives 10 minutes away. I’ve met her whole family on both sides, she’s met mine, and she’s even come on vacation with me to meet my dad’s side, cousins and all. My family loves her, her family loves me. She’s gorgeous, and in a lot of ways she’s been what I thought I wanted.
But lately, I’ve been feeling stuck and conflicted. Here’s the full picture:
Positives:
Very attractive, takes care of herself.
Has an “old school” mentality about relationships, which I also like in theory.
Reserved, not a loud or obnoxious personality. When we first started dating, her wholesome energy drew me in.
We’ve built a strong connection with each other’s families.
Concerns:
She expects me to make all decisions for her, and gets visibly upset if I put a decision on her.
Wants to be a stay-at-home mom, wants me to financially support her, and already expects me to pay for most things (all meals on trips, dates, flowers, gifts — I spent $250–$300 on each holiday). I’m in my second year of school with no income, just savings.
Constant talk about marriage and having babies ASAP. She’d do it now if I agreed. I never wanted kids this early — I settled on maybe 26–27 for her, but even that feels rushed for me. I’d prefer early 30s. She won’t budge.
Gets irritated easily about small things. Brings up my past mistakes regularly (even right before bed), even though I’ve changed. Tracks my social media, made me remove people, fears cheating (her dad cheated) and projects that onto me.
Double standards — she’ll casually mention a guy buying her a shot, but would be furious if the reverse happened.
Conversation feels boring these days.
When I’m stressed, she says I can talk to her, but when I do, she gets irritated or says “idk man.”
Freedom feels gone — she hates when I go out without her.
Context: I went back to school, will graduate at 26 if I stay full-time. I’m not working right now, living off savings. I like the idea of “old school” roles in a relationship, but I’m not ready — financially or mentally — to take on that level of responsibility yet. When we started, she felt like my dream girl. Now I’m not sure.
Part of me wants my freedom back, build myself up, get successful, and then settle down in my early 30s. Another part of me doesn’t want to throw away something good if my doubts are just temporary.
I can’t tell if this is just a rough patch, or if we’re fundamentally on different life paths.
What would you do in my shoes?
Comments
The general rule is “if you have to ask reddit then it’s time to break up”.
Personally – I wouldn’t continue dating that woman.
You gotta tell her this stuff and put a big emphasis on you not being ready to take those big steps that she wants.
You have to ask yourself if you want to support this woman for the rest of your life. Do you want an independent woman or a woman who relies on the husband for everything.
If Reddit’s the one deciding if you should break up, I think we all know where this is going…
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I literally posted something similar but i’m 7 years in so your call 📞
If you have to ask reddit… you already know what you should do and you’re hoping someone might talk you out of it.
Do what you need to do. You’re young. She’ll find someone else, and so will you, and you’ll both be better partners having had this relationship… This relationship just isn’t your happily ever after. That’s okay. The story is just beginning.
“I can’t tell if this is just a rough patch, or if we’re fundamentally on different life paths.”
Clearly the latter. She has not hidden who she is. It does not sound like you are compatible with her, in very fundamental ways, nor that you are ready to commit to a lifelong relationship. Do both of you a favor and stop fighting it. And her so she can move on and get what she wants from life, which is not you.
Sounds like the two of you have fundamentally different value systems.
You need to be earning enough. If you want the traditional roles, you better be bringing in an acceptable two-person income on your own. The world isn’t designed for breadwinner/homebody couples anymore.
You have some very big concerns a lot of red flags. She is not bringing much to the table or relationship. There is no partnership here. She is looking for a caretaker.
I’d run.
I don’t think you actually like the “old school” mentality about relationships. An old school mentality on relationships means the woman is submissive to the man, is a housewife or stay at home mom, runs the home and caters to the whims of her husband, and in return the man is the breadwinner and pays for everything. I’m just confused because while you put the old school mentality as a pro, you describe details about what an old school mentality consists of, in the cons. So it’s actually not a positive and now it’s just another con. When you say “in theory” you just mean you want a pretty, quiet woman who will do whatever you say without you actually providing for her.
So no you don’t like the old school mentality, and you clearly don’t like your girlfriend, and your lifestyles just don’t align. She is ready for a lifestyle you can’t give her which is fine you’re only 23, but you’re clearly incompatible and at the very least you should date someone who can have a productive conversation with and go out with.
I think a good talk and an ultimatum works. Give yourself X amount of time and don’t necessarily tell her you are giving yourself time. If in three months you talked and gave an ultimatum and things haven’t progressed you got your answer.
Sometimes I don’t realize an issue is an issue or if it’s bigger than I thought. I want to be told if it gets to a point “look I want to stay but not under these conditions”. Ideally y’all work on it together and become stronger thereafter.
You don’t have to grow up so fast. If leaving feels right, do it.
If you love her, start with a honest conversation and see if you can find middle ground.
You mostly just have to think long term. What are you willing to tolerate for many years to come. Everyone’s toxic to a degree, it’s a matter of how willing they are to acknowledge it and try to change it. It seems there are too many things for this to be redeemable or worth it. Sounds like you’ll be picked apart financially and emotionally and at the end of it all you won’t have a partner who understood the reality, so you both will be same place but worlds apart maybe
Just look at the difference in the amount you’ve written for positives and concerns
move on…
Why can’t you build yourself up and have a wife? Both of you build together. You need to learn how to spin multiple plates and not be so one track minded. I think you know you have a good thing so why throw it away?
I was with someone like that, we broke up
I am so much happier, im my own person again.
Everyone in the comments should understand the gf probably has a whole lot going on in her head as well. She seems a little emotionally immature with unrealistic standards, not a bad person by any means. You really need to have a stern but gentle talk about the way you’re feeling. I have a feeling that when you do, she will probably take heavy offense to it at first especially if you mention anything about wanting your freedom back. However, something DOES need to be said.
It sounds like she wants the Tradwife lifestyle. If that’s not your bag, it’s time to move on.
Bro’s really asking reddit for relationship advice. If you’re stooping that low, just break up with her.
Honestly a lot of the stuff is just nearly universal with women – always going to deal with it. The freedom (lack thereof), insecurities (you’ve really hit the Powerball if that doesn’t exist at all)
I’m sure you’d miss a lot of the really good things she brings to the table. If you like each other’s families, that’s a big positive.
I’d probably wait and see a little more.
Lots of red flags for me. Getting married that young is a big no no. No ambition or financial independence. Can’t do it. Sounds like she just wants to play house.
I’d move on
If she’s ready to have kids and once to be taken care of and that’s not what you want you’re wasting both your times. Just break up with her and find someone who has the same life trajectory you do. She needs something you can’t give her and you will resent her if you don’t already, which if you’re coming to Reddit, I think you already do. You both deserve happiness.
My dude, you are 23.
These aren’t unusual feelings you’re having.
You already know the answer here, bud.
For her sake break up. You’re clearly not in live with her, nor she you. You’re just going to resent her more and more.
Dump jer NOW before she gets knocked up, by you or someone else, and she blames you.
Read this again and imagine a friend telling you this.
What would you tell them?
Lol wow. Assuming you’re in the US or some other western country. Hot women tend to get easily spoiled. These things she is demanding from you are things she feels she deserves. Although I do agree with her that YOU should make most decisions. So you may be part of the problem. If you manned up she might stop behaving badly. But maybe not. So do it and then see what happens. If no improvement move on.
Listen – I was this type of girlfriend. My first boyfriend breaking up with me was one of the best things that could have happened to me and I’m glad he did. It made me stop thinking that my life had a clear, set path that I had to follow. Once I stopped focusing on him and what ‘building OUR life’ looked like, I was able to focus on MYSELF. I’m so glad I didn’t get married young and start having kids early. I’m glad I moved to a large city and went to school. Yes it will be painful, but I’m so glad it happened.
This is the greener grass effect but in my opinion she sounds like a traditional wife material
If you are asking, you are thinking in that direction. She’s moving not only faster but in a different direction than you. Find someone who matches your vector.
ETA: some real talk about the SAHM… I am now 50. I have a graduate degree and spent 20 years in a good career. Two kids. I got diagnosed with a neurological condition about five years ago which forced me to drop down to part-time work. The good news was that we are still ok. The bad news is that two weeks ago my husband got diagnosed with a more progressive neurological condition than mine. What are the odds, I know, but with both of us working part time, we are able to make ends mate. Thinking that nothing will ever go wrong in life and expecting one person to be responsible for everything is a terrible way to set up a future. Thats for this aspiring sahm and any you might meet down the road
It sounds like you want someone like her ten years from now. When you have more money and done sewing your wild oats. To be honest, that’s disturbing. I think she has been brainwashed to be a traditional wife without knowing what that is. And she doesn’t have real expectations of life yet. This is an unhealthy relationship. You both need to end it and get help. I feel you will outgrow your current situation and naturally “mature”. Your gf needs more help, but the source of the problem is probably the people she’s around all the time, like her family and church.
Idk sounds like you don’t like the idea of her depending so much on you which is normal. She also seems like she has some annoying behaviors. I’d dip so she can find the guy who is willing to support her and make all her decisions for her, then you won’t have to worry about her pressuring you to do something you don’t want.
The problem appears to be you have very different time tables to settle down and have a family. If you can’t come to some sort of consensus that works for both of you, you are probably better off seeking a new girlfriend who hasn’t got her whole life mapped out. If it feels like an imposition now it’s likely that will gry worse rather than better.
It sounds as if you want out. But, unrelated to this particular relationship, be aware that a woman has a much better chance of successfully conceiving in her 20s than her 30s. Plenty of people plan to have children when they’re ready, only to find they can’t.
You both are trying to take different paths in life . You’ll have to sit with her and have a serious conversation . Let her know some shit has to change before she loses you forever . Her response will give you your answer . I had this conversation with my boyfriend a few months ago and he’s done a complete 180 . We still have our issues because love isn’t perfect but they’re things I can handle .
Why even list the positives if there are that many glaring negatives?
Early on in relationships, it’s easy to think you’ve found “the one”. It’s when you get to actually know them, experience situations with them, spend significant time with them, see their natural responses to you, that you may notice your feelings begin to slip here and there, confusion and second guessing sets in, and you ask yourself is this REALLY “the one”? It sounds like that’s where you are and she might not be the one.
You’re too young for her. She needs you seven years from now.
What about sexual history. My wife slept around, got used by guys. After she got it out of her system, she chose me, lied to me about her past and wanted me to be her guy to depend on and be the father of her kids. I believed everything she told me. Years later the truth came out and it ended our intimate relationship. Keep asking questions. Make sure of what you are committing too. I woke up one day with 4 kids and and had no idea who I married.
Sounds like the kind of girl you build a life with. No one is perfect.
Just be TOTALLY honest with her, and then see if she breaks up with you.
Dawg you got 4 positives and a big list of negatives. You gotta have that at the very least flipped if you are considering spending your life with someone.
First of all, nobody should be aspiring to work at a non-paying job these days. Your future wife should be planning to have her own resources, without having to rely on you. If something happened to you, she and your kids would be reduced to severe poverty if she had no skills and no resources.
She doesn’t sound like the one for you – you have more cons than pros. The fact that you made lists of pros and cons hints that you may not be as emotionally attached to her as you think
i once too had to ask reddit. it blew up, most agreed with me some made valid point against me or just attacked me, i deleted it. we broke up a week later. i think these traits i can reside with in some level i had traits i had to unlearn to try to make my partner at the time happy. (no making him happy) i even unlearned the hardest one… the fear of being cheated on… he has been in a fully committed relationship since 2 days after our breakup, so i got cheated on (again). as a women i get her. i will say it is immaturity and definitely someone who has a lot of learning/reflecting to do before kids are involved in the situation.
I went through a similar breakup. It seemed like she had independent plans for “us” and many expectations. Became a drag and after a while… the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze as they say
No, no, no. Marriage, relationships is NOT about trapping someone. I’m reading this and can feel my own airways constricting.
You will end up resenting each other.