I 18M last night had a girl 19F come onto me I’m around her a good amount and I always thought we were friends she was definitely drinking but I didn’t think she was black out drunk and the whole night she was coming onto me I asked her if she’s okay and if she’s sure and she kept saying yes and I told her she might be a little drunk and she insisted she wasn’t we ended up doing the deed and the next morning she is now asking me what happened last night she doesn’t remember anything I had a shot and was smoking a little but wasn’t really drunk so now I don’t know if I should have ever done this am i in the wrongfor this?
Update: I Talked to her and she apologized to me saying she never gets drunk and shes so sorry that happened and she was acting that way and I was just trying to tell her it was my fault I was the sober one I should have known to tell her no not sure what else to say hope that was the right thing
Comments
If you thought she was drunk then yeah you probably took advantage eg it wasn’t consensual …..
It’s a matter of perspective. With the facts as given, it seems like she gave consent. You said she doesn’t remember, how did she react when you told her? The best thing you can do is talk to her about this and ler know exactly how the night ran down. The one sure fire way to be wrong in this situation is to lie or omit.
As an aside, I have known some people who claim to black out when they are not happy or embarassed by how they acted the night before. I’m not saying that’s the case, but it’s an extra data point.
Just be honest about it. Being sketchy and weird will only make it worse.
“We did a lot of flirting and ended up hooking up. If I knew you wouldn’t remember in the morning I would have said no. Sorry this must be weird for you.”
I’m really glad you’re asking, it shows that already shows you care.
Here’s the thing: if she was drunk enough to not remember what happened, then she probably wasn’t in a state to fully give consent, even if she said yes at the time. That makes this a serious situation.
You might not have meant harm, but now it’s important to be honest with yourself, talk to her with care, and take responsibility where it’s due. Learning from this matters, for both her safety and your growth.
I sadly can’t quite tell, I think it depends on how drunk she was and if she had any feelings or intentions with you before she even started to drink.
With that being said, try to talk with her about it in a light way, and honestly, avoid getting intimate with her or anyone else again if they are drunk, even if you have good intentions, as I think you did, that way you avoid raising consent questions that are not good for anyone involved!
Some commenters are coming at you harshly, and I think unfairly. If you are being candid here, you checked in with her multiple times, she was not falling down drunk and there was absolutely no way you could’ve known she was drunk enough that she wouldn’t remember.
It’s important that you share fully with her exactly what happened. (You could even show her this Reddit post).
She may or may not feel bad about what went down, but in no way did you victimize her.
It can serve as a learning experience, without judgement, for you both. For you, maybe if there is even a shadow of a doubt in your mind, don’t have sex with anyone who’s drunk, ever. If you like each other and want to, there’s always another time. For her, she should either quit drinking, limit her drinking, or only drink if she’s with a close trusted friend to watch over her, because drinking to the point of blacking out and forgetting is dangerous and disturbing.
For many people, alcohol helps them relax so they can let loose and have fun. Nonetheless The whole situation is exactly why I hate drinking and never want to have sex with anyone who is. It’s disturbing now to you and maybe to her.
There is also the possibility that she does remember, but feels embarrassed and is pretending to have blacked out in order to avoid accountability.
I hope you have a clear mind conversation asap and that it goes well. Maybe you can update this post. Good luck.
It’s based on degree of drunkenness, which is murky. If someone was so drunk they don’t remember, then that person was too drunk to give consent. I 100% am not saying you intentionally took advantage of her and you’re probably a good person, but if someone seems really drunk, your safest action is to decline. This is a learning experience. You take this knowledge going forward to make better decisions. Asking for understanding and clarification tells me you meant no harm.
Be sweet and talk to her. I know at that age…and older too..it’s easy to act like hey whatever happened is cool, it is what it is. I really think you know if someone is blackout drunk if you’re with them a long period of time.L and can see the changes in their personality . If she was a jecke.and Hyde then maybe she was blackoit. If she went from fun and flirty to fun flirty and wanna fuck…I think she wasn’t blackout drunk but might have not gone all the way without drinking. That puts you and her in a grey area. Just be sweet. Reassure her and don’t ghost her. Good luck.
Just be open and honest and tell her you didn’t know she was blackout drunk
Honestly you put yourself in a bad situation by sleeping with her when she was drunk, I get she was coming onto you and 18 year olds are horny but hopefully she’s chill and this doesn’t turn into something. Either way don’t expect your friendship to remain the same now
I am not sure if you are worried about the morality (did I do something wrong) or possible consequences (did I do something I can get in trouble for). Morally, you should really have held off and resisted. Understandable that you gave in, but morally, if it was someone I cared about like a sister, daughter, friend, I would want a guy to not accept if they were drunk.
Consequences wise, I would have questions like were you guys alone or in public and were any other people who knew you and her involved that would be able to say whether it seemed like she was in control or if it seemed like she was being taken advantage of. If there wasn’t anyone else, and she came to your place and was drinking with you in private, then it’s basically just your word and hers which depends totally on how she takes it when you tell her what happens.
Before you talk to her, you should think about what you want. Like, do you want to date her or would you like to be her boyfriend or is this just a thing that happened?
This is why alcohol is bad.
If they both were intoxicated, then nobody is at fault.