For context I (F21) started seeing this guy (M18), everything has been great and he’s amazing, takes me on dates, goes out his way for me, great communication and things in bedroom are perfect for both parties. Im a big believer in a guy having female friends and I have guy friends myself. His best friend is a girl, she has a partner herself and I’ve met her, she’s been nice enough. He’s very open about their friendship, and he talks about her a lot to me and as part of the sport he’s training in competitively he spends most days with her. I guess I’m just not sure if he’s just being with me because she’s not available but also I don’t understand men so could be so wrong of me??Not expecting anyone to tell me if I should be worried about but just would like to know if this is something I should talk to him about/ if I was to do this how to bring it up without sounding crazy jealous or anything? Open to more questions for context or anything, I usually would resolve this with my partner but we have only just got together and I’m so unsure about how to even bring this up or phrase it :/
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Sure, you should feel comfortable as his partner asking him anything.
Do you think it matters? Would your relationship with m18 change depending on his dating history?
By all accounts he is with you now.
Yes, you can ask if there is a history there. Of course you can.
I mean, it’s not weird to ask, but my best friend through high school and college was female, and the entirety of our “history” was making out once under weird circumstances, both stopping suddenly and being like “that was not right, let us never speak of it again.”
You can ask, but what if he says yes, they had sex once to see how it was, decided it wasn’t good, neither one felt any real chemistry, and decided they’d be best friends?
Would you believe him? Would you trust that he isn’t just waiting for her to be single?
Also, if he’s just 18, probably for a decent part of this friendship, he was a minor, right? How likely is it that they’ve hooked up in the past?
Yes.
I don’t think there’s a problem with asking.
To me, the bigger issue is: “What would it matter, anyway?”
For context: I’m a lesbian; lesbians are often friends with their exes. And even when they’re not, lesbians are often friends with other lesbians — which means they’re often friends with people they COULD date or who could want to date them. Within like, five minutes of joining Team Sappho, you pretty much get over this type of anxiety. Either you trust your partner or you don’t, and beyond that, assume all friends are just friends.
Good pieces of advice include:
Trying to know a person’s history in an attempt to prevent specific actions in their future is futile. If they WANT to cheat on you, they will. If they WANT to disrespect you keeping a person around who hits on them, then they will. You knowing or being upset won’t change that. Trying to control a partner’s behavior or relationships will not work; they’ll do what they wanted to do. Knowing your partner’s history will not help you predict their future, and trying to put their friendships under a microscope will not change/shape the future of those relationships the way you want it to. The only person in control of what happens with their friends is your partner.
If a partner IS inclined to cheat on you, do you want the only reason they don’t do it to be that you’d be mad? Because that’s all you can really accomplish by being paranoid about their friends. Ultimately, no matter how much you don’t want him to have a history with or develop feelings for this girl, he will do so if he’s going to do so. If and when that happens, it says more about him than it does about you. You couldn’t have stopped him anyway. Being afraid of getting cheated on will not stop you from getting cheated on. The only way to prevent infidelity or blurred boundaries is to have a partner who values that, too.
If you’re with someone you should feel
Comfortable to talk an out anything. If you don’t feel like you can, or they don’t make the space for you you shouldn’t be in the relationship.
But you need to really understand hunk about why you want to ask that. You’re not comfortable with the friendship and the amount of time they spend together…… is this the right relationship for you?
If he says yes he had a crush on her … what are you going to do? How will you feel after that.
If he says no are you actually going to beleive him?
Also he is 18 years old girl, you’re 21. He’s to
Young for you. The difference between 18 and 21 is big. Once you hit 21 …. It’s 21 and up only.
Perfectly fair.
Though this also means you need to be 100% okay with your partner asking you the same questions, obviously. If you’re worried about sounding craycray, just say something like “I keep seeing stories about people’s relationships blowing up because they didn’t think to ask if their partner’s friend was really just a friend.”
I mean, that’s not not true.
If you guys are very serious and in love.I believe both parties have a right to know about past relationships.Especially if the can in anyway effect your current relationship
You can ask, but you should be prepared for the answer (if it’s yes or no). You should also ask a similar question about your guy friend in response.