They start saying you don’t love them enough, that you’re never there for them, and guilt-trip you nonstop until you end up coercing you into doing things you don’t want to do.
They want all of your energy and attention, so you can’t even think.
I’ve heard friends say things like, “He didn’t know better, he lacks emotional intelligence, he’s just a tiny little baby and I trust him so much. I can’t imagine him with anyone else”
They know exactly what they’re doing and they’ll keep doing it because it works! whether it’s with you or another woman.
They will abuse women while pretending they’re clueless. They’ll spend months softening you up, years abusing you, whining and whining until you finally give in, and in your tired rational mind the only possible explanation is, they must be dumb as a rock.
So, if your dream is to star in a real-life version of insidious 2, date a whining guy. You’ll love it. It’ll be your worst nightmare.
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I have also heard women say that they lose all sexual interest in these type of men because frankly, they’re acting like children. You put the woman into a maternal mindset instead of romantic mindset and the libido gets vaporized.
Yup. You should be adding to each others’ lives. No relationship should be completely one sided.
If you want to support someone loving and fun, get a dog. Always 100%on your side. A lot cheaper. After the initial phase, they whine less. And a good one will help you find a decent guy.
Some such men are genuinely clueless, but that doesn’t make their behavior okay. They’re still engaging in coercion and therefore are abusive. Much abuse isn’t intentional, instead being driven by someone genuinely believing they have the right to insist that wants override someone else’s.
Lol, preach it! Been there, done that, got the therapy bills to prove it. Here’s my hot take fam: Emotional labor ain’t a GF’s job. If a guy ‘needs’ ya to be his mom, therapist & gf all in one, ain’t worth ur time. Respect = key, else it’s a hard pass. Ppl gotta sort their own shit out before dragging others into it.
Btw, anyone else think there’s an insidious 3 in the making? Lmk!
“Feeling sorry for a man is the beginning of your misfortune.” – some dating advice from your auntie Buttfucks
Fortunately I had never a partner who was like that
But my mother is that type of person.
Something I think a lot of people don’t realize is that you don’t need to be smart to be manipulative. It’s not all Moriarty and plans within plans (though of course there are a few manipulators out there like that). The vast majority of them are winging it. A 3 year old can learn manipulation techniques instinctively, and it’s more a matter of conditioning for folks than something you do with much real intelligent intent. That’s not to say it isn’t something you’re choosing or aren’t morally culpable for, but it’s just not a very difficult mental exercise for certain people.
That boyfriend who whines to get his way? He learned that as a kid when he whined and got his way from parents, teachers, and peers. That mother who cries whenever you confront her over her bad behavior and then you end up apologizing instead? Yeah, she learned to do that when she realized she could get out of being punished by crying as a child. That boss who gaslights you into thinking you’re misremembering everything? He learned people don’t call out lies if you’re just stubborn enough when he was 8.
What makes all this seem Machiavellian and intelligent is the fact that for most people you would need to build complex networks of plausible lies and strategies to effectively manipulate people that way. You never learned how in that formative period so it’s not natural for you, and you’d have to imitate it in exacting detail. It’s like someone who grew up drawing as a kid vs an adult trying to draw for the first time. The artist isn’t using the genius level mental energy that the non artist would need to draw something decent; they’re just using the muscle memory they developed as a child and can make images on a page without much conscious thought. When you try to piece together the manipulative tactics like OP does, it sounds pretty clever and in-depth, but that’s because they had decades to build and experiment with that technique over their lifetime and you’re seeing the adult form of it. When you look at how those patterns of behavior developed over time it’s often just a childish pattern of getting their way with people that’s evolved over time. Like biological evolution, the end result can be very complex and impressive, but it’s really just childish behavior with some added nuance at the end of the day.
This is important for two reasons. First, it should dispel the myth that “this person isn’t smart enough to be manipulating me when they do x.” They don’t have to be smart or even fully know what they’re doing to be effective manipulators; they just know they want something from you and they use what feels natural to get it from you if you won’t give it to them consentually. Second, the counter for manipulation is often to counter the childish behavior, not the sophisticated parts around it. The whining boyfriend needs to be told no in a firm voice, not reasoned with, cajoled, bargained with, etc. The crying mother needs a firm refusal to let her theatrics change the terms of the conversation, even if you look like the bad guy or feel pity. The gaslighting boss needs you to refuse accepting reality on his terms, not to try to prove what actually happened, argue “even if that were the case,” or convince him he’s misremembering it. When they pull out childish manipulative techniques, even when they’re sophisticated from a lifetime of practice, you can respond like you would to a child, not to an adult acting in good faith.
I think there is an important part of this, you need to recognize it is just whining and not an actual issue in the relationship. If he is not getting affection or something he has every right to be like hey this is an issue. Basically what I am trying to say is be an adult and have a conversation. If he is being serious in his feelings then consider them. If he is being childish then tell him so.
I’ve found in the past that if you’re dating someone who accuses you of not loving them enough it’s either because you didn’t want sex at the same time as them or they won’t uphold healthy boundaries, like dumping their entire life’s trauma on you and you ask for them to back off for a minute. It’s always to get attention or to coerce you into something you don’t want to do. I had a man say I didn’t love him because I didn’t give him a blow job after jaw surgery.